Bittersweet Sword
by Animegoil
Summary: Rath's suicide brings a wave of memories for everyone at the castle, and trying to cope may be a balance between finding someone to help them cope or accepting the memories. Separate chap for each character. RathKaistern ThatzDelte Rufeegi TetheusKitchel
1. Suicidal Rose

** There is, for anyone interested, a version of this chapter in Spanish. **

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_**Bittersweet Sword: Suicidal Rose**_

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Rath looked down from his window. He saw Rune and Thatz, one meditating, the other taking to him, ignoring the death glares the first one gave him. The red haired knight sighed, taking in the fresh air and the bright sun. But he didn't see the sun, nor the light, or the beautiful flowers that dotted the landscape. He only saw darkness, shadows, looking at the world through the curtain of darkness that had veiled his soul. He could only feel hatred for the brightness his world now lacked. Hatred for the people who loved him, who took him in despite what he was. How was that possible? How could he feel hatred and disgust for those who had cared and protected him since he was young? Whom he had grown up all his life with? Those who had nursed him when sick, taught him when healthy? Why had they taken him in? Why had they done it? 

He was sick of his life. He was nothing but a living lie. Nothing worthy of living. He was the toy of the powerful. His life was a bluff, the result of an act of pity. Why? He hated his past. His life was a lie. And he was the liar. Acting. Acting like he loved these people, when in truth he hated them. He was lied to, and it had taken a demon like him to tell him the truth. Despite all the lies he knew the truth of his life. The hidden, feared truth. And with this truth he couldn't live. Not happily. Not with peace. His mind was whirling with hate, fear, confusion. Why had they taken pity on a wretched demon who'd killed over half the population of Dusis?

But they wouldn't have taken pity on him if he hadn't taken the form of Illuser. A creature that the Lord held dear. If he hadn't taken that form, Lord Lykouleon would have never refused to kill him. He would have never used his power to transform him into a dragon boy. And then to top it off, that idiot Ruwalk had to name him Illuser. Rath Illuser. 'Rath' didn't hurt him. It was whenever someone spoke his last name that he cringed, that his soul was stabbed with the knowing of his crimes. That his cold heart remembered once again. His sleep was haunted with his memories, reincarnated when the alchemist had revealed his life to him in those snowy mountains so many years ago. And with his revealed past he couldn't live. Ever.

He'd killed so many people. Why had they saved him? They had saved him only bring him to this life of pain. To make him into a knight and give him the red dragon ball. To teach a cold hearted demon, a killing machine, to teach him to love... taught him immeasurable pain. His dragon heart held emotions, emotions his demon side rejected. It pained him to feel emotions. It pained him to love because he then also felt guilt and remorse for his crimes. The pain... the cold, stabbing pain, killing him slowly. What had they been thinking? Their actions had brought him suffering. He was falling apart, slowly, painfully. There was no respite from his emotional pain. But it was starting to affect his body too. Sleeping more, eating less, feeling tired, unresponsive, getting sick easier.

Someone knocked on the door. Rath swiveled around, tense, and then sighed when he saw it was only Kai-stern.

"Hey Rath, whatcha doing?" the albino smiled. He walked over to the window balcony, taking off his glasses and taking his place next to the red-haired youth.

"Nothing..." Rath lied, hiding his true feelings and thoughts from the only person who'd ever been there for him unconditionally, in his worst times and best. And here he was, lying once again, to him, despite the promise he'd made to him years ago, after his snowy mountain scenario. He was the only person he could maybe, just maybe, love. Not the false trickery in which he loved the Dragon Tribe, acting, feigning that he liked them, when inside he was screaming his hatred, dying to express it. He didn't feel that hatred for Kaistern. He could be happy with Kaistern. His love was stronger than the pain he felt by loving.

But no more. He couldn't live on like this. It was tearing him apart. He was afraid he'd told Cesia about it. But he wasn't sure. He'd been drunk enough to not remember, and Cesia had told him that he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. For once, she was the liar. But now, he'd go crazy with all the lies he had to tell and live with. He wished he could be open and honest, but he was afraid it'd cost him the little relief and happiness that was left when he was with Rune and the others. Although... Kaistern loved him, and he knew about his demon side... He knew about all the people he'd killed, and about how he'd turned into Illuser. How Lykouleon had taken pity on him and turned him into what he was now. Dragon on the outside, demon inside. He'd grown up without memories of the deaths he'd caused, the life he'd led as a horrible, bloodthirsty youkai.

He wanted to bury his face in his hands, scream in horror, and lay there, but he kept his smile plastered on and his face neutral. Just for Kaistern. Or would he hide it for everyone? He didn't know anything anymore. Everything that happened forced him to wonder if it was another lie, another trick from destiny. And destiny had a cruel fate prepared for him, he knew that. Destiny just wanted to make it harder on him. Life wasn't going to let up anytime soon.

"Oh, well you just looked kind of depressed from down there. You okay?" he sat and wrapped his arms around Rath, pulling him closer and bringing his face closer to Rath's neck.

"Of course, don't worry, I'm fine," His smile covered the anguish of his soul. And Kaistern, unknowing, was satisfied with his answer. Lovingly, he kissed the red-haired boy's neck.

"Good, we wouldn't want anything to happen to you. If there's something wrong, tell me," Rath felt the blue officer's smile against his skin. It was these moments that gave him enough courage to live. Made him feel worthy of living. They were these moments with the blue dragon that he lived for. But no longer. They were no longer enough. The sweet feeling he used to get was gone. Now, what was left of his kisses was a bittersweet taste. Unfortunately for him, or was it fortunately? Rath didn't even know what fortune was anymore; Kaistern had begun to notice, and for a while had doubted if Rath really loved him anymore. Those days, he'd wandered the halls, a somber look on his face. Rath had to assure him otherwise. Now without the doubt, he'd begun to think something was seriously wrong with Rath. It was from there that the constant care and affections he was displaying had come from. And for a while, those extra affections had been enough to keep Rath with the idea that life wasn't so horrible all the time. But his time was done. Ever since he's stumbled on the truth about his life up in those snowy mountains all those years ago, a clock had been ticking, grains of sand sliding past as his life flew by. Begun when he'd realized he was not worth living. All Kaistern had done was add more sand. The last grain had fallen; it was only a matter of time before its effects were felt. He leaned against Kaistern, taking from him everything he could. Trying to regain life and merit. Love and assurance.

"KAISTERN!" the two of them cringed from Alfeegi's lethal bellow.

"I guess I'm heading to my death. Say goodbye to me in my funeral," a desperate smile lined his face. He picked up his glasses and stood. He left without knowing how his actions and words could so be applied to Rath. Irony was always present in Rath's life. A new idea had formed in his head, so simple he couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before. Cesia would be mad. For the first time in ages, the fire knight smiled in thoughts of the near future.

How he hated his life. There was no salvation from the flames that ate him from inside, threatening his sanity with their cry of his truth. The truth he couldn't run away from. He slept at night, fever ravaging his weakened frame, listening to the voices of Lord Lykouleon, Raseleane, all the ones he deceived. He lived a lie that had grown out of his control, higher than he could reach. He hated them, but had to keep faking that he liked them, and that clawed at his soul. He hated them because he loved them, and they him. He hated them because he was their toy. He hated them because of what they had done to him. They knew his pain, they knew of his act. Why hadn't they killed him when they had the chance? Why had they given him a life from which there was no respite, no peace, no happiness, rest, or worse, liberty? Liberty to love how he wanted to love, hate whom he wanted to hate. He lived a life trapped in servitude to the Dragon Clan. All because of the amulet. With it, his demon powers were strong. So strong, he was afraid sometimes it would take him over. Turn him into that cold being that had tried to rip the souls of the living, feeding upon their freshly slaughtered carcasses. And with it, he was tied to the Dragon Clan. But without it, he lost consciousness. In fact, he guessed that if he went long enough without it, he'd die. It was life, or death. Slavery or liberty. To him, it was slavery or death.

He was a knight without honor. One who'd never unsheathed his sword in goodness, only in demented pleasure. Had no life of his own, was a toy in the hands of many. Ones who loved him too much for who he was, and others who wanted him too much for what he was. A horrible demon, capable of slaughtering all of Dusis for sickening pleasure. He almost had before. And who knew who else wanted him for who knew what reasons. But they all wanted him for their plans. He was a powerful rook in a game of chess. Whoever possessed him had a powerful piece in their hands. He refused to be a piece in their game, but he had no choice. He didn't want to be wanted, except how Kaistern wanted him. He'd been a puppet since the day he'd been created as a demon by Kharl, destined to become a dragon. His past was full of trickery, deceit, blood, lust, death, treason, desperation, misery, hatred, and pain. He didn't deserve life, and she not him. He didn't want life anymore, and she the same.

That's why he couldn't follow the path she'd set for him, naïvely assuming he'd follow blindly, without eyes. They had been blind once, but now they were open and seeing the devastated path she trekked him through. And he decided to leave the path, make own of his own. Cut the cords that tied him to his real life. Immerse himself in a sleep from which he would never wake, and hence never feel pain again. To find salvation, happiness.

He looked around his room, his head hurt, pounding sorely inside. His body felt slow and heavy, weak and hot. His slow gaze fell on his sword. The sword that was his companion in his favorite hobby: Hunting demons. His largest pleasure in life, slaying yokai. Some thought his obsession was demented. It was another lie. He really wasn't as obsessed as he made out that he was. They all thought it was an obsession, and it had become one, but not as strong as he acted it was. It was another part of his never ending act. Another mask to hide the real Rath underneath. It was at first, a way for him to stand out, become strong and powerful, be feared and respected. He'd simply had an attraction to it, and was good at it. That was before finding out the truth about himself. Then he'd found that hunting demons gave him a reason to leave the castle, leave far, far away from the people he hated. He killed demons to inflict pain on them. Give someone else the pain he constantly had. It was pleasurable for him. IT was a way of punishing himself as well. Killing his own kind. But it gave him respite from his own pain to see the creatures that he hated so because they were so like him in pain. His vengeance to Kharl for making him what he was. He had created him. He had given him this life of pain. He remembered. He was psychotic. Deadly. Killing half the population in Dusis until Lord Lykouleon had come.

But why had he taken Illuser's form? That was the reason Lykouleon had taken pity on the demon, because he looked like his beloved pet. Why had fate lured him to that rotting body? Why had fate made it so that was the only body around he could take a corporeal form with? Well, now he killed all the demons that crossed his path to spite Kharl. Hunting demons was what made the outside Rath stand out and differ from the inside Rath. He wasn't as obsessed as they thought. It just gave him an escape route from his normal life. A way to vent his anger and misery to something else. And though he hated thinking of himself as demon, hated likening himself to the creatures he slaughtered for fun, he knew that he was that limp form, bleeding on the ground. He knew that was what he was, and that thought sometimes sickened him physically, to the point he almost thought he'd throw up. But killing demons was a part of his act. It was what everyone expected of the sweet Rath who loved the Dragon Clan. So what if they thought he was a bit off, a bit screwed up? It didn't matter as long as they never saw the real him. As long as they never saw beneath the mask.

He smiled again. Cesia... would be angry with him. Before, he'd had the sweet liberty of loving her because he didn't expect anything in return. Loved her freely for once. It was what made her so easy to love, not being loved in return. But that changed, much changed. He'd abandoned his love for her when she'd returned it, leaving her heart-broken. He hadn't meant to hurt her, but he couldn't love her anymore once it wasn't love unrequited again. He didn't love her anymore. He'd left her broken. Though he hadn't meant to, he felt no remorse. Was that wrong? Well, not to him. He just didn't love her anymore.

She'd promised to never let him die. During all their time outside the castle, she's always had her guard up, watching and keeping her eyes open for any danger to him. But now, back home, she'd put her guard down, of course. No one would expect him to be in any danger at home. There was no one to kill him. How ironic, he was going to die where they least expected him to. So far from real external danger, but so close to his own internal danger. Life was so full of twisting passages and halls, and he was sick of dead ends.

He gave himself a mental slap for not having thought of this before. He took his sword from the ground, holding it like it was the first time. He eyed it with a light heart, a grin on his face. He inspected it, eyeing the intricate designs on the golden sheath. He felt its heavy weight, its elongated form, and was satisfied. He lifted it to his throat and unsheathed it. He felt the cold metal edge of the blade of the sword on his hot skin. The only thing that would be a shame was Kaistern... he'd miss him, and the red haired youth knew that he would miss him. The only one he trusted besides Rune maybe. The only warmth in his cold life. His only... love. This thought was his only doubt and hesitation. Did he really want to finish it... with Kaistern?

He was sorry, but it was too late. He'd come too far to give up now. Too far to give up and keep on living. He had to go on and die. Another irony. Couldn't turn back, not when he was so close to salvation from his pit of darkness. 'I'm sorry Kaistern, but I have nothing more to give you, I don't have the courage to live anymore.' He closed his eyes. He always knew he was a coward. With a slight tap and twist from his wrist, the sword cut, and torrent of blood formed a lake on the ground. Rath felt the blood drain form him, slowly at first, then faster and faster. He felt the cold stab of pain ad his hands tightened. He felt his strength flowing away along with the crimson paint that covered his hands and clothes and dripped on the stone floor. No longer with the strength to hold up the heavy sword, it clattered on the floor with a heavy clang. He watched his vision blacken and his head thicken. He felt his body weaken and saw his hands tremble. He fell forward, a content smile on his pallid face. His eyes closed, not seeing the albino and hanyou girl who'd come in at the moment, while he bled his misery and found light in the impending darkness. He didn't hear her scream and didn't feel the albino's hands shake him, hold him in dread and hope. He didn't feel the drops of water that splashed on his cold face. He only felt the sweet feeling of salvation and the cutting pain in throat caused by his bittersweet sword.

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**I'm planning on making a chapter for almost all of the main characters. The next three chapters are pretty short, specially compared to the fifth and sixth chapters and so on.**


	2. After

_**Bittersweet Sword: After**_

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**Kaistern left the room, taking one last look at the smiling face of Rath. How was he to know that this was the last time that he'd ever see Rath alive? That the end was so near, and all he could do was watch at the most. It was inevitable that Rath would die at his own hand. There was nothing in Dusis powerful enough to kill him, that is, until he met despair. 

The blue officer realized something was wrong. He'd noticed Rath was looking especially depressed today. He'd gone to him, hoping with all his heart that nothing was the matter. He seemed fine, smiling and everything, even if he was in a bit of a quieter mood than usual. Well, not usual. The usual of right now, being the past months, was depressed. The usual of a long while ago would have been almost hyper, always glad, playing jokes and being a common nuisance. Driving everyone mad with his tricks and then the clueless naïve face he put on afterward. That was the Rath everyone loved and remembered fondly. But nonetheless the changes, anyone who would have seen him at that moment would have thought he was fine. Not cheerful or overjoyed, but normal, if a bit thoughtful.

But he knew better. The fire knight had been acting distant for a while. He'd refused Kaistern's amorous advances, something he hadn't done before. He kissed back no longer. He no longer appeared to enjoy the moments Kaistern poured all his love into making enjoyable. Kaistern had been mortally afraid that it was something he'd done, and that he could no longer be with his crimson knight. Rath had apparently noticed, because he passionately and honestly assured him that he still loved him, and that he wanted more that anything to... "Enjoy everything he could while he still could." Those words scared Kaistern. Though he was sure now that he was still Rath's, he wasn't sure how long Rath would be his. No, not 'would', but 'could'. He ran his hands anxiously through his white hair as he walked through the dark halls of the Dragon palace.

"Kaistern!" he heard once again the call that had beckoned him from Rath's side in the first place. He almost cursed the voice, taking him away from Rath when he was feeling the uneasy presentiment that it was now that he needed him the most. He finally reached the white dragon officer's office, to find him standing outside the door, a serious expression on his face.

"What do you want?" He snapped. Suddenly, he wasn't feeling very charitable to Alfeegi. And he, not expecting this unusual attitude, was surprised. The blue officer felt the need, the tug that was trying to pull him to Rath. He felt he needed to be with Rath at the moment, and it was the white officer's fault that he wasn't.

"I just needed to talk to you... what's wrong?" Alfeegi's surprise gave way to worry. A frown and a cocked head made Kaistern stop and turn his head, looking at the cold stone floor instead.

"Nothing," Kaistern unknowingly copied Rath's actions, pretending nothing was wrong, hiding his true thoughts. The irony really was thick around here. How was he to know that at the moment, Rath was thinking his last murderous thoughts? That at this moment he was contemplating on the worthlessness of his life?

Alfeegi cleared his throat as if what he was going to say was difficult, and he'd rather keep the words locked inside himself, instead of bearing them out into the light, where they could take shape and fly away to fulfill the prophecy. As if, if he spoke it might come true.

"Kaistern... I was talking to Delte. Rath... is dying, as we all know... But she said his end was nearer than was thought..." Alfeegi said slowly, afraid that by his words he was pronouncing the final sentence. Kaistern started. Alfeegi had just spoken out loud what the blue officer's mind knew, but his heart was too afraid to acknowledge or think about. They heard quick steps before a feminine figure ran into Alfeegi.

"Alfeegi? Sorry! Kaistern!" Cesia dismissed Alfeegi and immediately turned to Kaistern.

"What?" Kaistern asked, his fears re-ignited by the young girl's tearful face.

"Rath... I don't know, something feels wrong, I'm scared. It's like he's fading..." she took his hand and pulled him for a split second before Kaistern himself took the initiative, running ahead of Cesia. He could faintly hear Alfeegi's footsteps behind him.

He was scared. Afraid like he'd never been before. There was a squeezing pain in his chest, but Kaistern knew nothing was wrong with him. He felt like he was sensing part of Rath's pain, in his heart. Delte, then Cesia. They'd both realized what he'd been afraid of for so long. He thought he would go mad with the alarm growing larger and larger until he thought it would choke him as well. The run to Rath's room was an eternity, lasting a couple seconds that took longer than his whole life.

Rath hadn't been looking well for a while now. He ate less, slept more, became distant. He was pale and no longer energetic. What was most disconcerting was that he hadn't even gone out to hunt demons in the longest time. Nor had he played any practical jokes, and hadn't laughed in a long time either. He appeared distraught, lifeless, his face ridden with a permanent fever, his actions slow. He lacked concentration and often became so tired at the end of the day that Kaistern had to carry him to his room, even though he hadn't done anything taxing at all that day. His eyes looked out on the world without life, dull, uncaring, despairing. He clung to Kaistern like a lifeline, as if drawing out all the strength he could from him. Kaistern and the whole dragon tribe had been exceptionally worried. The albino was sure that Rath was sick, but nothing he did seemed to help. Rune had tried to heal Rath many times, but it did nothing. Lykouleon himself had tried to dispel any foreign energy, anything that could be causing the changes in Rath. And now, had something happened?

Yes, something had happened. Kaistern felt the cold stab of pain fill him and spread throughout his body, clouding his senses. He finally reached Rath's room, the room he'd been in just a couple minutes before. As he touched the doorknob he felt the cold, and his body gave a shiver. He felt his chest squeeze tighter, he felt like he was suffocating. Pushing himself, he opened the door, and gave a gasp before stumbling forward on his knees. The purple-haired yokai stifled a scream.

In front of them, bathed in his own crimson life, laid Rath. The slit across his throat poured out his blood, giving waste to all the despair of his life. Kaistern stumbled forward.

"R-Rath... What... d-did you do?" he whispered, lifting his lifeless form onto his lap. Warm tears spilled from his wide eyes, landing on Rath's still warm face.

He heard Cesia's steps, turning and running down the hall. They stopped for a moment, and a strong sob was heard before she kept running.

"What happened?" Alfeegi's voice echoed from farther down the hall, and soon stopped at the door. Kaistern paid no heed to any of them. He could only stare with wide, shocked eyes at the corpse of his love. It was the smile that stunned him the most. A smile so sweet, it was like heaven. Plastered on the face of the devil himself at his time of death. He pressed the knight's body closer to him, feeling his chest soak the blood.

"Someone... help!" Alfeegi called out hoarsely. He then turned to Kaistern, "Kaistern...?"

"He's not dead, he's not!" Kaistern muttered, squeezing Rath harder. Alfeegi stared at him in pity and surprise. Concern soon washed over him as he looked at the albino, kneeling with a corpse pressed tight against him, blood spreading and covering him, staring at the blood-soaked sword that had been the method of execution.

Alfeegi himself fell to the ground, overcome by emotion. He knew it. How... how had it gotten this bad? They all knew something had been wrong with Rath these past couple months. But they didn't expect suicide. He looked up from his hands, looking at Kaistern again. His eyes were still wide, traumatized.

The white officer turned as he heard several gasps from behind him. It was Lykouleon, Ruwalk, Rune and Thatz. Rune immediately broke down, beginning to cry. Subconsciously, Thatz took him into his arms, letting Rune cry into his chest, never taking his eyes off of the sight before him. Lykouleon had dropped his sight, his figure bent and destroyed. Ruwalk fell to his knees, splaying his fingers over his eyes, still watching the scene before him.

At length, Rune and Thatz had fallen to the floor, the earth knight still comforting the water knight. Lykouleon looked up, his face haggard.

"Kaistern..." Ruwalk walked shakily over to the albino.

"He's... in shock," Alfeegi said, getting up himself. The both of them pried Rath from Kaistern lifeless grasp and led him out of the room. He still hadn't said a word after that denial, and his eyes were still wide, replaying the scene in his mind. Lykouleon stumbled after them, going to get Tetheus and Cernozura. Rune and Thatz remained in the room, before Tetheus came by, escorting them to Kaistern's room, where Lykouleon was.

The news had spread quickly. All the women were crying. Kitchel and Cesia were crying against each other, Raseleane on Lykouleon and Delte in the back of the room did her best and failed to contain her tears. Of the men, it was Rune, and Alfeegi, and of course, little Zoma, who had stumbled into Rath's room after Cesia ran by him in her distraught state. Cernozura looked at Kaistern in concern. He had his hands buried in his hair, the perfect picture of despair. How was despair perfect?

"D-Drink this," she handed him a glass, which he took without even giving a second glance.

"We'll have... a burial tomorrow," Lykouleon spoke with difficulty. Kaistern groaned and fell back in his bed, out cold for a while at least.

"This isn't happening, it was supposed to happen!" Ruwalk mumbled softly, sitting down with his head in his arms. Alfeegi slumped on the floor, him being the most shocked after Kaistern and Cesia. Rune wasn't far behind, being so sensitive. Zoma whimpered. He'd only caught a glance, and that was enough to haunt him for the rest of his life. Cesia took him in her arms, holding him close, like a mother to a child. Rune looked like he was about to be sick. He doubled over, and Thatz held him.

Slowly, they all retreated, the activities of the day forgotten, to their separate rooms. Lykouleon comforted Raseleane in bed, holding her close as he felt her tears on his chest. It took most of his will power and restraint to hold his tears back.

Tetheus sat motionless on his bed. He stayed like that most of the night, hands clasped in his lap, head bowed down. His stony face became harder and stonier, sorrowful despair hidden behind the redness of his eyes.

Alfeegi lay in his bed, trying his best to go to sleep, but it was impossible. He lifted a shaky hand to brush another tear from his eyes, and it bumped against Ruwalk's back. Ruwalk turned to his other side, setting compassionate eyes onto Alfeegi. His face too, had the damp lines of tear tracks. Alfeegi bit his lip and Ruwalk wrapped his arms around the aquamarine-haired dragon, pulling him closer as they both fought with silent fears and sorrow.

Cesia tossed and turned, sleeping under a tree in the garden, being haunted by nightmares. Tears poured silently from her face even in her sleep, and she cried out in pain amidst her sleep. Though Rath had left her, she still loved him, and her emotions hadn't changed at all. Zoma lay in his bed, whimpering, cringing with unpleasant dreams after being tucked in by a lifeless Cesia.

Delte walked around the gardens that night, finally collapsing onto the soft grasses that grew on the ground. Rath had been dying for a long time. And she'd known his end was near, but to witness it, and have it actually happen, hurt more than she thought it would have.

Thatz lay awake in bed, comforting Kitchel in his arms like he had comforted Rune. He sighed heavily, not even smiling when Kitchel whimpered and snuggled closer to him. Nothing would be the same now. Rath had never really liked Thatz. He was probably one of his least favorite people. Not that he didn't like him, but he didn't trust him like he did Rune. Despite that, Thatz still mourned Rath's death.

Rune cried out in his nightmare. He was watching Rath stab himself several times, while he laughed manically. Rune tried to stop him, but his voice wouldn't work, and his body was bound by something invisible. Finally, all there was left of Rath was a bloody, mangled corpse. And Rune was covered in blood, and suddenly he realized it was his own blood, and that he was dying too. With a pained cry, he awoke, sweating profusely, and was unable to get back to sleep the rest of the night.

Kaistern's mind remained blank the rest of that night. The potion he'd been administered had been strong enough to seriously black him out. He didn't dream. He slept on his bed like a corpse, much like Rath's. Except that he breathed. It would be the last night of full, undisturbed sleep he'd have in a long time.

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**Is it wrong to inflict pain on your favorite characters? -innocent look- **


	3. Lykouleon's Remorse

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**Chapter 3 - Lykouleon's Remorse**

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The King of Dusis should have been a happy man. He was king, was well loved by his subjects, had loyal friends, and his kingdom enjoyed peace and prosperity. He had a lovely wife, and though no children, that could possibly be remedied. 

But just the day before, a young man had died. What could a young man's life possibly mean to someone who was next to immortal and ageless? Everything as it seemed. He was one of Lykouleon's beloved knights. The knight of Fire, Rath Illuser. And with his death, the dam that had held back all the guilt and haunting regrets had burst. They had always been there. But Lykouleon had somehow managed to keep them from over whelming him.

But Rath Illuser was dead. Had died at his own hand. Had taken Lykouleon's Dragon Sword, which actually now belonged by right to the knight of fire, and sliced his throat open. Had the blood spillage not stopped him, he would have gone on to sever his head. What could have possibly driven such a quiet, mature (When it came to important matters) person, with the knowledge and power that he had, what could have possibly driven him to suicide?

Unfortunately, Lykouleon knew all too well. Now he was dead, and Lykouleon could only guess part of the reasons. They were all his fault.

Lykouleon finally opened his eyes, lifting himself up from his bed with a dazed look. He'd had a bad night... nightmares... about what? His eyes widened as he finally remembered. Rath was dead. And with him, Lykouleon's private self-composure. A hot tear ran down his cheek. Just yesterday... it pained him more than anyone could guess to remember and shed tears so early in his day. But, he choked on a sob, and noticed with slight guilt that his shaking body was disturbing Raseleane's sleep, he had to keep calm in front of the Dragon Officers. Especially Kaistern. And Rune. They appeared to have been the most shaken. The Dragon Lord gave himself no credit. He could be without much argument, the most shaken of all the dragon tribe. His stability was crumbling quickly, overburdened with guilt and remorse.

Raseleane finally opened her slim golden eyes, locking with her husband's gold tinged emeralds. She noticed the tear mark on his face, and reached one slender finger to brush his cheeks. Her touch brought compassion and forgiveness, enough to keep Lykouleon composed and calm for a while longer.

"You'll be okay..." she said. Lykouleon nodded, grateful. She knew he was in pain. He got up; dressing in almost never used black attire. Raseleane followed soon after, reassuring him with a touch and smile every once in while. Is that what they should have done to Rath? But how, he'd lost all faith and trust in the Dragon Clan. His young mind had been broken, his happiness evaporated. He would never again love or trust the Dragon Clan. That distrust and hate had followed him all those years. From the first day after discovering his past, years ago in the mountains, till the day he took his life. Reassurance wouldn't have given him anything back of what he'd lost. And he'd lost too much, as well as gained. Lost what he would have wanted to keep, gained what he'd never forget, though he tried. Tears of blood... That's what Kaistern had said.

Heading to his office, he passed a mirror. Looking back at him through tormented eyes was himself. Himself. Was this the image that Rath had grown to hate? To despise? Come to regard as the pinnacle of his suffering? He knew Rath suffered. It had manifested itself mostly when he was young, the first years after his painful discovery. Lykouleon did not believe that his suffering had lessened as he'd grown older despite the fact that the outbursts had grown less, and the tears hadn't been seen in many years. Even though Rath may have acted strong and powerful, sometimes even content, never truly happy, he was sure that Rath's pain had done anything but diminish. If anything, it had increased to the point at which Rath could not be called human by emotional standards. Colder than ice. More distant than heaven itself. Worthy of being called the demon he was by Kharl. But no one ever would say that. It would have been a blow to him as personal as a wife to her man.

Lykouleon sat in his chair heavily. Tetheus was taking care of the funeral preparations; all he had to do was wait, and then attend. He thanked Tetheus for that reprieve. Tetheus had warned him, a long long time ago, the severe repercussions of Rath's admittance into the Dragon Tribe. He had not been against it, unlike many. Alfeegi had been very worried, the creature had after all, almost tore Ruwalk in half. Rath had expressed his sorrow at that by being sometimes expressively nice to the Yellow Officer. Just a slight smile, or hiding him from Alfeegi's wrath. Rath had never expressed any sort of fondness to Lykouleon. Poor Rath. He though he'd been hiding so very well when he pretended he liked the Dragons. Everyone knew very well that Rath didn't like them at all. Least of all the Lord of the land. He wasn't sure how far his hatred ran, but he knew that Rath despised him. After all, he was the one who continued his life, and Rath very clearly had wanted to end it. He had accomplished that task to the Lord's chastise.

Rath had been such a terrible demon. He'd caused so much pain to Rune, Ruwalk, himself, and the countless lives that had been affected by him, whether in death or in the grief of the death of loved ones. All this had been done involuntarily. But the guilt had lived inside Rath. Like in anyone. Lykouleon actually had a great deal of respect for Rath. Had it been him in his place, the lord would have snapped immediately. He... he would have killed himself. Gone insane. It shocked Lykouleon to realize that Rath had done that same thing. Him and Lykouleon where more alike than anyone thought, he thought grimly. Well, it was only logical, considering that all of Rath's blood belonged to him. It was the only way. Despite all the millions of lives Rath had taken, Lykouleon could not bring himself to kill the demon, because of the body it had taken to gain corporeal form. Illuser. Lykouleon's dear pet. Lykouleon knew that it had been a sort of sign. A sign to prevent him from killing him. So instead, against everyone's wishes, he'd turned the demon into a human child, and thereby admitting him into the Dragon tribe. It had been a hard choice, but now he couldn't take it back. If he was given another chance, he was sure he'd make the same choice all over again. He had no regrets...right? He sighed.

There was a knock at the door, and Lykouleon answered it, calling for the person to come in. A timid Zoma stepped in.

"Um, my Lord, Alfeegi wanted to tell you that the funeral was to take place in an hour..." he said quietly. Lykouleon nodded, and turned back, hearing the door click closed again. What were they going to do without Rath now? Thinking logically, with the mind and not the heart, they needed Rath. He was the only heir to the Dragon Tribe. Technically, he was Lykouleon's brother, since they shared the same blood, and hence, the only heir to the throne, since Lykouleon had no child of his own. That must have been the reason Rath thought they kept him alive for and wanted him around. It was in fact, at first, the primary reason, but never the only one. They needed Rath, he was an important tool in their very existence. But the heart often spoke louder than the mind, and its reason for Rath relished in the fact that Rath had been a quite charming lad before his terrible encounter with Kharl in the mountains. He had been a very loud, sweet, hyper active boy. Despite their first reluctance to accept him because of his demonic past, they all grew to like him very much, and then the feeling grew to love. They loved the little boy like the son the castle had never had. All of them. It had been a horrible day when they had first realized that Rath's trust and love for them had evaporated instantaneously, and they had no way to gain it back. Somehow, Kaistern had managed it. But they had no idea how, and Lykouleon suspected that Kaistern saving his life had to do with that fact of Rath trusting only him of the whole tribe. It hurt. It still did.

Another knock at the door brought Lykouleon's gaze back into focus, and before he answered, Ruwalk came in, looking tired and anxious.

"Lykouleon, Kaistern doesn't want to get up to go to the funeral, he says only a direct order from you will get him..." the yellow officer leaned against the wall, "How did this happen? What did we do to Rath that drove him over the wall like this?" his voice sounded so desperate, voicing Lykouleon's thoughts out loud.

"I'll go talk to him. We can't force him to come to the funeral though."

Ruwalk's face was serious, "I know, but..." he stopped and walked out. Lykouleon followed and they soon walked into Kaistern's room. Obviously, he'd just waken up, and he refused to turn his back from them and look them in the eye. Every once in a while, his body would tremble slightly, and the Lord and secretary stared uneasily at his back.

"Kaistern... I know you may not want to go, but don't you want this one last chance to say goodbye?" Lykouleon asked gently.

"He's not dead. He can't be!" Kaistern denied furiously. Then his voice broke, "Why? Rath can't be gone... If I go to the funeral, then he'll really be dead, and then I can't bring him back!"

Lykouleon stepped forward and placed his hand on Kaistern's arm, "Kaistern... he is dead. But you have this one chance of saying goodbye."

"No..."

Lykouleon sighed, "We won't force you..."

Ruwalk spoke up, and his tone took a hint of sadness and regret, "My father died when I was young. I refused to go to the funeral. Don't ask me why, I was young. Now... I regret not going. Not bidding my last goodbye, not seeing how people cried for him, how people loved him, not having the feeling of peace at knowing that on that day, he was watching over me, telling me it was all right. Not hearing the things people said about him, not having that chance to find out more about his life, dwell on it a bit longer and dig deeper. Not show my love for him by being there. I think... it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. After that, I never refused to go to a funeral. Depressing as they are, they are my way to show that I still care, and that I want to see what effect this person had in my life and in the life of others..." tears now slid down Ruwalk's face. Kaistern finally turned, looking Ruwalk in the eye, "If you don't go, you'll regret not taking this chance for the rest of your life."

Kaistern just stared for a minute longer, his head finally falling to his chest and soft sobs raking trough his body. This wasn't easy for him, Lykouleon knew that. Accepting the death of someone close was hard he knew from experience. The blue officer finally lifted his head, waving them off.

"Alright, don't worry, I'll get there in a second," he smiled slowly, the closest he could get to a reassuring smile. Lykouleon nodded, and him and Ruwalk walked out. These next couple weeks were going to be miserable. A lot of old scars would come up, and a lot of tears would be shed.

"I'm sorry about your father Ruwalk," Lykouleon mumbled quietly. Ruwalk leaned his head on his shoulder as they walked, leaning on his friend for support. He was dead tired, and his regret about his father's funeral never made him feel energetic and cheerful. Alfeegi had been impossible to comfort during the night, screaming and crying in his sleep, haunted by nightmares. Needless to say, Alfeegi and Ruwalk were both exhausted. They separated, Lykouleon going to get his wife, and Ruwalk to fetch Alfeegi.

Lykouleon treaded heavily outside, feeling grateful at least for Raseleane's comforting arm squeezing his own. The sun was cheerless, shining dimly through the thinner of the clouds that blotted the color from the world. Finally, they reached the burial place. It was the grave that Rath had built himself, where Deus lay. Not many people were there, since not many people really knew Rath on a personal level. It was just the members of the Dragon Tribe. He sighed. He was expected to be the one to lead Rath's funeral. It wasn't going to be easy. He felt uneasy about it. As if he shouldn't be the one to lead his funeral, considering he was one of the ones Rath hated the most.

He glanced around. Cesia had said she wasn't feeling well enough to attend. Zoma was here, but he doubted that the little yokai would stay until the end. Most likely he would go back after a while to comfort Cesia. Alfeegi was leaning against Ruwalk, his face pressed against Ruwalk's shoulder. Kaistern stood right in front of them. The poor man stood as if in a trance, his gaze lifeless. Lykouleon felt that he was the one that Rath's death had hit hardest. Granted, it was hard for a lot of people, but it seemed like it was hurting Kaistern the most. Rune too had said he wasn't feeling well, but he was here nonetheless, leaning against Thatz heavily for support as tears ran down his face. Thatz was sandwiched between Rune and a solemn Kitchel, himself looking somber and distraught. Delte stood a bit way off, looking guilty and dejected. Tetheus behind him looked a bit pale and more dismal and shadowy than usual. Lykouleon finally was able to gain the courage to clear his throat.

"I... I know that even though Rath really... had no care for us and most likely hated us from the bottom of his soul, we all really cared about him. We never cared about his demon side. We loved the little boy that laughed and played tricks and drove us insane. And even when he changed, began hating us and became quiet and withdrawn, we still loved him. But he always blamed us for his pain. He hated us for keeping him alive. Had he never learnt the about his past... we might had seen a different side of him. A more open, honest, happy side. I just wish that we might have been able to... heal his pain a bit... I think that Kaistern and Cesia helped him out... But it wasn't enough..." he broke off, turning away. Every one renewed their tears from the night before, spilling their grief.

"We're all going to miss him, and I just wish that we had a chance to tell him we were sorry... But I don't regret giving him life... If only he knew how much we cared about him, and not about his past."

Lykouleon turned around at that moment, running out of the glade, something warm streaming down his face.

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**Thanks to the reviewers! **


	4. Cesia's Unrequited Love

**Thanks to everyone for reviewing, and note that from now on the fic is written in first person: makes everything much more personal, and works great for this fic.**

**Enjoy!**

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Chapter 4 - Cesia's Unrequited Love

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I sniffed again, trying to regain control of myself in vain. I couldn't do it. Tears continued to run down my face as I looked out the window. From the high vantage point of my room balcony I could see the small clearing that was serving as Rath's final resting place. It was the place he was so connected with. With a small sob, I remembered the first time I'd laid eyes on that place. I'd gotten lost in the immense gardens of the Dragon Castle and accidentally come across Rath... He'd been paying his respects to a grave, along with Fire and Crewger. He'd had such a pained look on his face, one that I hadn't been able to understand at the moment, and now knew so well. 

He wasn't supposed to die, I wasn't supposed to let him! After all we'd been through... after all the times that he could have died because of all these stupid youkai, I'd saved him. After all that, I couldn't save him from the greatest yokai of all, himself. I shook myself hard, droplets of salty water falling on the ground. I hated him! He was an idiot, a selfish annoying youkai! He'd broken my heart, left me to weep alone. I hated him!

And yet, I realized as I fell to the floor, I loved him. I still did. He was the only one after Zoma who had understood me, who had loved me. I still believed there was a reason that he'd left me. What a stupid idea. He was gone now, I'd have no more chances of trying to win him back, no more nights of weeping after seeing him spend his days at Kaistern's side.

But also, it meant and end of our suffering. No longer would I be pained with Rath's pain. I would no longer feel my heart squeeze when I saw him, barely conscious, carried tenderly by Kaistern into his room. Then, my pain was two-sided. Pain for Rath's plight, and pain for watching him with someone else. I hated him! But then, my heart would remind me painfully that I loved him. I was torn by my hatred for his betrayal and love for him.

Trying to distract myself from more painful reminiscences, I focused on the small glade. Lykouleon was in front of the grave, and he was the only one I could see clearly. To my surprise, he suddenly took off and ran, deep into the denser woods of the garden. I saw Ruwalk try to go after him, but Alfeegi stepped in front of him, seemingly begging him to stop. The burial must have been over.

I pitied the dragon lord. According to Rath, he'd been the main fault of his pain. The fact that he had saved him from the death he felt he truly deserved as the youkai he was. I'd tried so hard to save him... and now he was dead. I hadn't been able to save him from the guilt he felt at having destroyed so many lives. I pitied Rath more.

I'd always known that his relationship wasn't quite sincere with the Dragon tribe. But I could see that he loved Rune, and Kaistern. Not until that night, after I'd turned into Dark Cesia for the first time, had I known what had become the beginning of the truth, the unraveling of the lies he'd told to hide the inevitable truth. I remembered that night so sweetly. But now, the sweetness had ripened and rot, leaving behind a bittersweet feeling.

I'd woken up to the sound of his feverish restlessness and roused him from his light sleep. He hadn't looked good, so I offered him some wine. It'd always helped me calm down and sleep. But his tolerance level had been horribly low. Probably, he didn't get much wine in the Dragon Castle, too afraid his temperament would get worse if he got drunk. Now fully drunk, Rath had sat on his bed, such a strange look on his face, hate and pain most present. And he'd spilled his heart out. He'd told me so much.

It came as a shock though, because I'd seen him so friendly with the Dragon tribe. I'd obviously missed a lot of what was happening behind my back. His voice had held such pain, such hatred, defiance, wish for vengeance. That had been my first clue to understanding Rath. He'd fallen asleep soon after that, and I'd slept next to him, smiling sweetly at the scene, and his finally serene face.

Then, much later, when I'd found out that he was demon... A lot had changed. I still felt of him as the same Rath, but now I knew him better. I knew his inside. I knew exactly what it felt like to have a dark side, creeping inside, waiting for the moment to take you over, shadowing all your thought with hatred and malice. I knew what having an uncontrolled side inside you come alive. Cast your real self aside in your subconscious. After all, it'd happened to me plenty. The only difference was that his side was stronger. But I knew the pain.

The yokai in you could only grow every time you cursed your life, every time you felt hatred and anger. It relished in negative emotions and cherished them, made them flourish. When you felt the tinges of despair in your day, your darker side took hold of it and fed it, making it grow. There was no escape from the pull of it. It whispered cruel things in your mind, snaked its evil ways onto you, made you do almost inconspicuous things in its name, and then, only later would you realize with fear the control that it could have over you. Its mind controlling me in ways I didn't realize. When you had doubts, it made them grow, it pushed them further to the front line of your mind, it brought suspicion, it cultivated all your dark emotions, then released them, a hundred times stronger. It was a curse, and constant struggle to keep you evil at bay.

The only thing that kept my yokai away was the light dragon amulet. It kept real me alive. It chained the Dark Cesia, the darkness that sometimes was given a chance to roam, and then, it would gnaw evil thoughts at me, and bring me pain when I fought back against myself. Rath's struggle must have been worse. And it appeared that it had finally consumed him. The process had been slow, I hadn't noticed it at first. But every once in a while, like that night when he'd gotten drunk, that day after he killed Gil... it would resurface. His hatred, his real emotions, the yokai inside him. His darkness had been too strong, even fro the light dragon amulet. Even the light dragon inside him, weakened as it was, couldn't keep him safe from himself.

But why? Why did he leave me for someone who didn't know the pain? Why? I had been perfect for him, I understood his pain completely, fully, personally. I could have helped him dispel it, I could have tried to bring him respite. Instead, he cast me aside. More tears rolled down my face and I took a blanket hanging over the balcony. The rain had made me cold. It was raining, hard, strong, but it was a light rain. I almost felt like it was Rath's feeling. His death, severe, sudden, but yet, it brought him happiness. That was another difference between us, I though, wrapping the blanket loosely around my shaking body.

His transformation to his darker side had been taking place for a long time. It had taken over rapidly though, because he kept feeding it negative thoughts and emotions. His guilt over the people he'd killed had been an immeasurable gain to his yokai inside. I wept for him. No one should have had to live with that guilt. It was so immense. No one could find fault in Rath's death now. He'd been too overwhelmed. And he'd had no control over it.

No wonder he had wished to die. I had tried to keep him from dying... but now, I wonder if I should have let him... save him from later pain. Save me from later pain. But what was done was done. And, I guess I was kind of glad I had let him live. For the moments we'd spent together, no matter the pain afterwards.

I still remembered. I would always remember. The joy I'd felt when he pulled me into his arms, the sweet feeling of his lips pressed tight onto mine. His hands on my back, searching, rubbing my back in patters of ecstasy. I would run my hands through his hair, open my mouth to invite him further, push him closer as I smiled widely. Then he'd pull me down onto the grass, and wed roll over, trying to win each other over. He'd smile slightly and then dive for my mouth again, and I'd let him. Licking his lips, I remembered thinking that if he was always like this, I would never be unhappy. And I remembered thinking too, that if we remained like this, he'd want to stay alive and lode that death wish. It hadn't worked. Whether because I hadn't been strong enough to dissuade him, or because he lad let me go, and I hadn't had long enough. I just wanted him back!

"Cesia? You feeling better?" I turned at Zoma's voice. Normally, I would blow away anything and try to act cheerful for him, but in this case, when they all knew that I was in pain, it'd be futile to try to act anything other than what I was feeling.

"A little," I still tried to sound optimistic. Zoma gave a small smile stepped towards me. I held open the blanket and he crawled onto my lap. I closed the blanket around eh both of us and he buried himself inside the folds, holding tight onto me.

"Lykouleon ran away," he said sadly, "Alfeegi thinks he needs some time alone. I don't know why though. Rune and Kaistern seem sadder. Especially Kaistern."

I listened somberly to his slow speech. Kaistern. Yes, he, like me, was feeling heartbroken. But I almost felt angry at him. First for stealing my Rath, then for not saving him from his youkai side. He didn't dissuade Rath from his suicidal wish. I knew it was irrational, that Rath had no salvation from his fate, but still I felt like Kaistern was responsible. To be with Rath, you had to know what his life was like. He might have known the Rath from before, but I knew what his life now must have been like! That's why I felt I was the only one who would have been capable of saving Rath. And Kaistern had stolen this chance. Thanks to him, Rath was dead. I swallowed, trying hard to dispel those thoughts.

Those were the kinds of thoughts that bred my dark side, the kinds of thoughts that Rath had lived on, providing unending fuel to his yokai. Those were they same thoughts that had eaten away at him. But now I realized that maybe they were the ones that had kept him alive as well. Thoughts of revenge had kept him going. I looked outside, watching the world turn gray with the dulling of the rain. Looking down, I saw that Zoma was resting fitfully on my lap. Careful not to wake him up, I set him on my bed and covered him. I remembered doing to Rath. I felt my face turn troubled, but there was nothing I could do to change my facial expression.

My Rath. He was mine. Taken away, tossed me behind, but I still loved him and inside my heart he was still mine. I would love him until my death, and then beyond. Turning, I walked out of my room. Sooner or later I'd have to face the others, and I wasn't the kind to be kept down.

But now, as I walked resolutely down the halls of the damp castle, I passed Rath's room. And like a blow, I could feel his presence. So strong, it stopped me in my tracks. Hesitantly, I felt Dark Cesia pushing me. She opened the door, and pushed me inside. I held my breath, scared, and felt my head pound as I fought with myself to hold back the tears. They spilled, and I closed my eyes from the room. From the now clean floor where he'd lain, where his blood had spread. From the balcony I'd seen him looking out of so many times. The table he'd sat at when telling me things. The bed we'd shared so long ago. When I died, would I find him? And if I found him, would he still remember all this? All the memories I treasured? Most of all, would he remember me? Would I ever get over his death? Would a day come in which I could pass this room door open wide, and not feel pain?

I knelt, warm, scorching warm tears burning down my face. I felt helpless. I felt abandoned. I felt alone and needy. I felt anger, fear and hatred. Malice and vengeance. No. I didn't feel those. Dark Cesia felt those. She wanted me to feel those. I would not succumb to Rath. I would prove to him that he could have survived. That he could have lived in power over his youkai. I stood up, my tears now bearable. But I couldn't stay in here any longer. Or she would take over. She would drown me in despair. I had to keep Dark Cesia at bay, or I'd never show Rath that there was a life possible. From afar, I heard footsteps but I kept walking. I was hungry. I needed to get my life back. Leave Rath in my memories. I still loved him and would forever, I thought, with a customary pang in my heart, but he would not have the pleasure of controlling my life anymore.

Such rebellious thoughts. Oh well. Somehow, everything... would be normal again. I could leave the Dragon Castle. Btu there'd be no Rath to accompany me... Well, then I could stay in the Dagon Castle. And live with Rath's memories at every turn of the corner... It was no use. His life ruled over him. He had been the more dominant one, yet in ways he'd been the most gentle. Rath..

He was rebellious, mischievous, proud. Hated it when someone ordered him around, always escaping the castle, trying to play jokes. Yet he was serious, gentle, and calm. Serious and calm in the most stressful situations, gentle when it came to a relationship. But he violent, possessive and obsessive, resolute and stubborn. Explosive and easygoing. One could not call someone who hunted yokai nonviolent, or not obsessive. And he was very possessive over yokai too. He never backed down from someone, always set forth without looking back. He could suddenly switch from a distant mood to yell and fight. Never worrying about the little things, and doing as he pleased. Yet he was lonely, scared, tired and hurt. He lived his life away from others, closed off for fear of being found out and rejected. Afraid his yokai said would take him over and make him kill again. Exhausted from a constant struggle against his inner self. Hurt with guilt and hatred, betrayed and haunted with memories that should have been locked away. He had wanted to be honest, I could tell from the way he looked at me when I told him I knew his secret. Like he'd been freed, yet trapped. Freed from lying, trapped by the truth. By my reactions. Afraid of rejection.

Rath harbored such pain. But how could I reject him when I knew so well what it was like? I loved him, though it had taken me time to figure it out. Loved all his traits, good and bad. I didn't care if he was like me. I didn't care. I hated it though, how I had almost killed him. Dark Cesia had almost made him kill himself. I had always felt guilty for that. But often, in his arms, nestling closer to him, he told me that it wasn't me who had done that. It was my dark side. That his had actually killed many, so I had nothing to feel guilty about. I believed him. I loved him. I treasured him. I didn't believe him now. And the guilt had returned. He killed himself nonetheless. Had that been his plan all along? Has his dark side injected the poison into him without mercy?

Turning the corner, I saw Ruwalk, solemnly walking Kaistern back to his own room. Technically, he could walk, so he didn't need any help physically, but emotionally, he needed support. Looking up, the albino saw me. I glared at him, pouring all my hatred into him. The one who had failed to save Rath and taken him away from me. He stared at me, then hung his head. I walked by, sparing them no more of my time. That... that idiot. How could Kaistern have thought that he could save Rath from something he had no experience about, no knowledge? Only someone with the in themselves could understand the feeling. And only they could help dispel it. True, Kaistern may have been good to Rath, helping him out, maybe driving his dark side away for longer, but he could never save Rath from the despair that it caused.

'_The despair that I could inflict on you too, and thus, saving you from it..._' I recoiled from_her_ voice. I had to keep her under control. I would not let Dark Cesia control me. But I pondered over her words nonetheless. What did that mean? Did she mean... taking the same path as Rath?

'_And then reunite you with him in Hell_' I forced her whispered evils back down. No. I would not... reunite myself with him? I laughed bitterly. Hell. For of course, that was where we would go. But no... Rath didn't love me at all. He wouldn't come back to me, were I the last person on Dusis. Were Kaistern gone. There was no point in dying. Suicide only brought pain. Not to mention that I had become attached to the Dragon tribe... Besides, I had to take care of Zoma. I couldn't leave my only angel left behind. Zoma understood me. He was a yokai. But he was a child, untainted by evils, innocent in all aspects. His yokai side was a not powerful. He was just a child. But that had nothing to do with it. What was important was that I had looked over him since... since a long time. And though he was in good hands in the Dragon tribe, I was gong to stay with him. He'd been with me since I was little, he'd been my only friend. He once said he loved me... and that was possibly true, in more than a sisterly fashion. But like me, his love was unrequited. I could only think of Zoma as my best friend, my little brother, my helper, and my wish keeper. And I wouldn't leave him. He was now the only thing that chained me to the ground and kept me from losing my mind with grief. I had to take care of my little angel.

Because I would never be reunited with Rath. It was tempting to find the path he'd left and follow in his lead, but it would make no difference, and nothing I did would bring him back to me. I was much better off here. Because my love was unrequited and I'd never gain his.

"Cesia, wait!" I turned and saw Zoma running after me. Catching up to me, he took my hand, "Are you hungry?"

"Yes, my little angel," I smiled. He looked at me, blushing slightly at my words, yet puzzled at my sudden cheer. I smiled again and bent down, kissing his forehead, "You're the most important thing in my life."

He smiled widely, "So you're okay now?"

"Thanks toyou, yes, I will be," I said, letting him lead me into the kitchens. He stopped and turned, blushing a bit again.

"You're the most important thing in my life too!" he said brightly. Going to find one of the maids to get breakfast, he ran off. I sighed and smiled, then looked out the window, towards the gardens. She formed her final farewell to Rath, letting the wind swirl it, spread and whisper her words to his grave.

'_I've found my own life now, and I'll mourn you and love you, but I, unlike you, was able to find courage from my life, and I found something to anchor me down. I just hope you'll remember me when I finally see you again. Good- bye... my unrequited love._'

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**To go on, Cesia was kinda hard. I don't know why... aw, she was mean to Kaistern. **


	5. Alfeegi's Anguish

**By the way: OoO is simply a change in scene/time. **

**Italics – Memories **

**/Italics/ - Dreams **

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_**Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 5- Alfeegi's Angst**_

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I walked slowly into the trees, looking around for any sign of the Lord. He'd probably ran far... I sighed and sat down on a tree stump. The glade was still visible from here, the freshly upturned earth covering the body of their most troubled tribe member. It'd been such a horrible death, I thought, shuddering from the memories. I wished I'd gone along with Ruwalk to help Kaistern back to his room. I wanted his comfort so badly...there were too many things swirling around my head, it was driving me insane. I straightened, trying to get the priorities straight in my head. I needed to get Lykouleon first. I stood up again, continuing my search through the thick bushes. 

How far had he run? My heart went out to the tortured Lord. It must have been hard bearing with Rath's death. Ruwalk had often told me about how guilty Lykouleon felt about Rath. I'd noticed it as well, but Ruwalk was so much closer to the Lord than I was. I was just the loud, annoying, screaming white secretary. I sighed again. Well, now I'd finally have a chance to comfort Lykouleon, since Ruwalk was busy with Kaistern. Finally prove that I did care about everyone. I knew what they all thought about me, and I knew they avoided me. I didn't mean to get so riled up over everything. I just lost my temper easily. I wanted everything to run smoothly, everything to be prefect and in order. The more prepared we were, the least anything could turn into a catastrophe if anything happened. I was just trying to live up to the expectations presented to me. I'd led a pretty low life before, and I intended to rise above my past by being the best there could be. I wasn't going to live up to snide remarks about how a low life like me could become a good dragon officer. I was going to show them that I was worthy of the Dragon tribe. It was a desire that had burned inside me for so long, and so strongly. I had to prove to myself that they hadn't made a mistake when they chose me to be the white dragon officer. That's why I yelled at everyone when they didn't follow my explicit orders, when they played around instead of doing the work I needed so urgently to have. I was only doing this for the good of the kingdom, the people, the Lord, and for myself.

Although lately, my life had taken a more pleasant turn. Before I'd been alone, having to contend to my own insecurities and fears by myself. Even after all these years, I still felt out of place in the castle. Maybe because they were always trying to avoid me and never tried to just do what I asked them to. I had always been alone, trying to understand why they didn't realize that I did care about them, that I did have feelings, and that I as only trying to help out the castle. Until lately. For a while, I'd been increasingly aware of my rising feelings for the Yellow Officer... but always been afraid to show it. He was so different. He was the one who hated it the most when I hounded on him, but I didn't know how else to act! I smiled softly, remembering how much it'd hurt at night to realize that I'd never have a chance with him because he probably hated me and thought I was annoying. I'd even cried. The awareness of being alone had never been stronger than then.

But then, by a miraculous chance, it changed.

_It was late at night, and I was doing some papers that needed to get done soon. I remembered how tired I'd felt, my head drooping on the table as I fought to keep my eyes open and my hand to move. The next thing I knew, I was roused as someone picked me up gently and began carrying me out of the room. Opening my eyes, I saw it was Ruwalk. '_

_Out late again?' he smiled slightly and I felt the color rising and spreading across my face. I was being carried by the object of my most treasured fantasies, 'It's late. I think you should sleep now. I don't now how you keep all this work up.' _

_'Well what are you doing here?' _

_'Bathroom. Then I saw the light on in here so I came to check it out, and here you were, sleeping like a baby.' I looked up at him, gazing into his eyes almost fearfully. Ruwalk's face was so close. Close enough to kiss. I turned my gaze away, looking at the floor, my eyes closing slowly again. In fact, they did close, so I never saw the intent gaze Ruwalk gave me, I never saw his face lower slowly, then hesitate. By the time I opened my eyes again, his eyes were focused on the dark hallways around us. _

_'You never liked me much, did you?' I gaped at the yellow officer. He smiled at me, but I could sense a tinge of pain in his voice. I couldn't believe it. Had I heard sadness, regret and maybe... longing in his voice? _

_'That's not true! Not true at all...' I hesitated, but the look in his eyes suddenly encouraged me, as did the warmth of his arms under me, and the strength of his stride, '... I... for a long time... I love you.' I said in a rush, shutting my eyes closed tightly. Ruwalk's step faltered and I opened one eye fearfully. I felt like a weight had been released. I had finally told him how I felt. But now I had to deal with rejection. His next sentence surprised me as well. _

_'But you're always yelling at me... And I never do your work...' he stared at me incredulous and I turned my face away. _

_'I didn't know how else to act. And... I was scared of rejection... I'm sorry...' I whispered, my body beginning to tremble as I fought to hold in my tears. Ruwalk opened the door to my room and walked in, setting me down gently into the covers. _

_'I always thought you hated me... But now...' Ruwalk's face dissolved into a grin, 'Alfeegi,' I looked at him, confused as to why he was grinning, 'Open your mouth,' he instructed and I was too tired to disobey. I opened my mouth a bit, and he suddenly dived in, covering my mouth with his and sliding his tongue in. I stared in shock at his face, right in front of mine and tried to mumble something. He let go of my mouth and sat back, smiling widely. 'I was afraid of rejection too... cause I love you too,' he smiled gently and I felt the tears finally slide down my face, 'Hey what's wrong? I didn't mean to hurt you!' he said, alarmed. I shook my head. _

_'I'm happy. I love you,' I hugged him tightly and let myself be taken into his grasp. He laughed, and I smiled drowsily up at him. He stroked me gently until I fell asleep in his arms._

Despite all the horror and despair that had pulled at my soul these past two days, that sweet memory always gave me comfort. From Ruwalk, I received comfort and strength, and he gave me confidence and hope. I swatted a branch away from my face and rounded around a tree. I still hadn't found Lykouleon, and I was beginning to get worried. I had no idea the palace forests were so deep and expansive. 

"Lykouleon!" I called out. A rustling of leaves answered my call and I headed over to the sound, hopeful. But the scene I saw wasn't as optimistic as I wished. The lord was on the ground, face down, breathing hard.

"You highness! What's wrong?" I rushed over to him, rolling him over gingerly. He groaned, his face pale beneath the tear-streaked face. I brushed the dirt off his face.

"Alfeegi?" he mumbled.

"My Lord, are you alright?"

He sighed, then gestured towards his leg, "Twisted. I can't get up..." he paused and mumbled, more to himself, "Was this the same helplessness that he felt...?"

My breath caught at his words as I rolled down his boot, finding an already swelling ankle. I helped him up, careful to keep most of his weight on me. He smiled grimly at me.

"Thanks... It was rather careless of me to go wandering in the woods. I was afraid..."

I nodded, "That no one would find you and you'd be stuck here, unable to go back?"

He looked down, "Sorry."

I almost winced, feeling that he was expecting a tirade from me. I was capable of being kind... I gripped his hand in mine, arm slung over my shoulder, "We all need a little alone time... and sometimes we can't take things anymore."

"Alfeegi... he hated me," Lykouleon still would not look up, and I almost felt his weight increasing with the burden of guilt he carried.

"I don't think he like any of us really. And... you gave him life. Even if he took it away and found it unsatisfying in the end, you gave him a life he would have treasured had he not known about his demon past... You can't blame yourself for what wasn't your fault. I think he remembers very fondly his childhood years," I tried to smile and reassure him, but inside I felt the same guilt and sadness. Impulsively, I set him down and gripped him tightly as I began to cry. I felt him wrap his arms around me and felt his body begin to sob spasmodically.

For a moment, we were connected, out grief almost equal, understanding of each other, and thus able to give comfort to each other, and ourselves. Maybe it was because he finally felt someone shared similar pain, but soon his tears stopped and he regained control of himself.

"Thank you Alfeegi. I really needed that," he said softly and I let go, getting up again and easing him back onto my shoulder, immensely relieved. For a moment I felt guilty, but I realized that that couldn't be called cheating. It had just been two close friends sharing grief. Actually, I felt glad. It had always been Ruwalk who comforted Lykouleon, and I'd always felt slightly out of place. Now I finally was able to help him.

"How did you get so lost in here? I'm not even sure I know the way..." I scanned the trees desperately, hoping to find a break somewhere. It had been about half an hour of wandering through the woods, and I was sagging under Lykouleon's weight. Then I heard a voice.

"Lykouleon! Alfeegi! Can you hear me?"

"Ruwalk! We're over here!" I called back, sinking to the ground, fatigued. Lykouleon kept his eyes on the ground, looking up briefly at my eyes to give me an apologetic look. I called again to Ruwalk, and soon we heard his trampling footsteps as he broke through the brush, looking relieved.

"Wow, thank goodness, we were getting really worried. Lykouleon, are you alright?"

"His highness twisted his ankle. Help me carry him, Ruwalk," I said, feeling vainly hurt that he'd asked about Lykouleon first. I shook it off though, because I knew that it was a stupid thing to think.

"I'll carry him, you look beat, Feegi," he kissed my cheek quickly, then hoisted Lykouleon onto his back. I blushed slightly, thinking that he'd seen, but Lykouleon was still staring vaguely at the ground.

"My Lord, please..." I pleaded, walking besides Ruwalk. He looked up, and said, without the slightest smile.

"I'm fine. Much better than before at least," he then tried to force himself to smile and failed, "I'm just not in a smiling mood, but thanks Alfeegi."

I smiled and Ruwalk gave me side-glance. We soon came upon the cleared grounds of the dragon castle, and were met immediately by a tearful Raseleane.

"Lykouleon!" she cried, running up to him. He smiled for her though, though I could see there was not much joy in it. What to expect? I didn't really feel like smiling either. One smiled for reassurance to others in situations like these. Which was exactly what he was doing at the moment.

Finally getting to his room, Cernozura was already prepared with a first aid kit. Ruwalk set him down on a chair and let him sink down. Raseleane took the bandages and gently swathed his leg in cool, wet bandages, then rewrapped those with dry ones.

"I'm alright now. Thanks Alfeegi and Ruwalk," the Lord said, and I, getting the picture, bowed and pulled Ruwalk out of the room. We walked in silence, not having anything to talk about.

"How's Kaistern?" I asked as we passed by his room.

"The same..." Ruwalk said dejectedly. Then he frowned, "Cesia gave Kaistern a death glare as she walked by..."

"Didn't... Rath and her, weren't they together at some point?" Ruwalk nodded, "And then I think he left her."

"For who?"

I glared at Ruwalk for his stupidity, "Putting two and two together you get..."

"Oh. Kaistern. I had no idea! You're serious?"

"Why would I joke at a time like this?" I said tiredly. He wrapped an arm around my waist, turning my path from the office to my room. I looked at him but didn't resist, "I have papers to finish. We can't live in mourning forever," it was only a half-hearted plea to the dark.

"No, but we can for a couple days. It won't be easy. Not with Rune and Kaistern and Lykouleon, and you."

I looked at him, feeling like he was accusing me, "Me? I'm sorry..."

"I think you're taking it well, but you got hurt too," he said softly, opening my door and leading me inside. As we neared my bed and he laid me on the soft covers, he leaned over me.

"No... I don't want to do anything tonight Ruwalk..." I mumbled. A disappointed look came over his eyes.

"Well, you need sleep, so I'll let you sleep now," he said, getting up and beginning to leave the room.

"Wait!" I pulled on his sleeve as he left, and he turned to look at me, "But I still want you here..." I whispered. He smiled tenderly and sat next to me, stroking my hair and face as he murmured simple, sweet things. If something could ever be said about Ruwalk, it was that he was a good comforter as well as lover.

OOO

The next morning, I woke up early. Opening my eyes to the still pale sun, I sat up, almost knocking something heavy off my chest. Ruwalk grumbled something through half open eyes and settled back next to me. I yawned, hiding back the smile that had played upon my lips seconds ago. Well, at least tonight had been a better night than the one before. I did faintly remember though, a nightmare, and waking up various times during the night, but the fact that it was barely remembered told me that it wasn't as bad. I did hope, however, that my thrashing about hadn't woken up Ruwalk too much during the night. I bent down, caressing his cheek and brushing his lips affectionately with mine. Then, fully dressed, I walked out of the room, heading to my office to finish those ever-urgent papers. Gathering the papers in my hand, I placed them on my desk and sat down, taking the quill pen and beginning to write and fill out forms.

Hours later, the sun shining fully on my desk through the open window, I sighed, frustrated, looking through my desk for a certain old form I needed to fill out these newer ones. It was probably in the bookcases.

I stood up, beginning my search for the missing paper. Sifting through piles of books and old forms, I searched for at least fifteen minutes. I bent down, thinking maybe the stupid form fell under the bookcase. Reaching under, I felt something... papers, something hard and then, something bit me. Hard. I withdrew my hand, yelping. A spider scuttled out quickly. I cursed. Stupid yellow-bellied spiders. The two small dots on my hand were already red and slightly swollen. Bringing up my hand to my mouth, I sucked at the two small bites, then spit out my now bitter tasting saliva. Hopefully that would help, I sighed. The spiders were poisonous, but the poison wasn't lethal. All it did at most was knock you out for a day or so. But I had things to do today. Oh well, I would just have to deal with it. I reached under again, pulling out the papers... and a handmade black chess piece. I sat back, tears filling my eyes. Glancing at the papers, I saw one, a brightly colored portrait. A drawing of me and a little red-haired boy, painstakingly colored with crayon, though it was clear the artist was quite young. I fingered the drawing and the chess piece, lifting my eyes to the ceiling as tears ran down. Would I never stop crying?

I remembered the incident connected to these two items very well. Leave it to fate to have found these things a couple days after Rath's death. So cruelly unbearable. My eyes blurred as a sudden pound from my head proclaimed the beginnings of the poison's effect. I closed my eyes, suddenly not able to bear the strong sunlight. My head pounded harder, so I let myself fall asleep, where I would be safe from everything except my memories.

_/I walked down the dragon castle, feeling down. The other dragon officers were doing various recreational stuff, but I hadn't joined them, feeling out of place. Lykouleon and Ruwalk were trying to sneak some food from the kitchens, and Kaistern was trying his best to defeat Tetheus in a sword sparring battle. There was no room for me anywhere. I sighed, dragging my hand along the banister as I walked the long halls. In any case, I was bored. It was raining lightly outside, but despite the bleakness of the outside surroundings, I felt welcomed by nature. As if my own mood was being reflected in the heavens. Embracing the fresh mist and the soft, light pelting of the small drops of rain, I coursed through the gardens, feeling my clothes soak gradually. I wandered here and there, trying to distract myself from my pity and troubles. _

"Isn't the rain fun?" I whirled around, "Usually they won't let me out in the rain for long cause they say I'll get a cold, but everyone's busy today."

I smiled at the matter-of-factly tone of the young fire night. It'd always puzzled me a bit why he'd been made a knight. I'd thought that just becoming a dragon would have kept his demon at bay, but the Lord had insisted on christening him a knight as well. Though the young boy knew nothing of this. He thought that the reason he was a dragon knight was because he was a master youkai killer, which was true as well. He knew nothing about his terrible past. It was better that way. A boy as young as this... it would destroy his innocent world and tear his mind apart. Knowing all the deeds he'd done... I shuddered slightly. "You getting a cold?" he smirked, scoffing at my weakness. I shook my head.

"You wanna play in the rain?" he continued, gazing thoughtfully at the sky, then, as if noticing my stare, he snapped back and bounded closer, "So, do you?"

I'd always held some degree of admiration for this red-haired youth. He was pretty, and cute, there was no doubt about it. His innocent stares could melt an icicle. He had proved himself very clever, with what his tricks and jokes so perfectly executed and his knowledge. He loved to read, and had learned at an early age. In fact, I had been a large part of his education. That didn't mean I was any closer to him than anyone else, it just meant I got to observe him more. I sometimes wondered if I had some kind of infatuation for this little kid, the way I was so focused on him when I had the chance, as he pored over books that I had assigned him to read as part of his schooling. But then I brushed it off. I had no feelings for this little kid besides awe, sympathy and love as a little brother. Everyone loved him. His face was wide and cheerful. It was impossible not to feel something for the optimistic youth. But sometimes his eyes would wander, and stare at nothing, and a strange look would come over his eyes, just like it had a couple seconds ago, and I would wonder if his demon side ever reached out, unbeknownst to him. What was it like, harboring that darkness inside? Even if it was sealed away, the way Lykouleon often gazed at him while the boy fought demons outside the dragon palace led me to believe he feared that his demons side would break loose, be released. In other words, his seal wasn't impregnable. Now the gorgeously impatient boy was getting frustrated with me.

"Well, are you going to play with me or not?" he asked, putting his small pale hands on his hips, his face turning into a pout. I smiled, not being able to resist him.

"Okay. I'm already wet I guess."

His face broke into a huge grin and he took my hand, leading me into the deeper sections of the garden.

"No one will see me here, so they won't call me back. But I like them all anyway," he jumped around, delighting himself childishly by slapping the wet ground and jumping in puddles. He took my hands again and tried to spin me, but my body being three times the size of his, all he managed was to fall on the wet grass.

"Sit down!" he called, laughing. I laughed as well, and began to sit down, but before I did, he pulled my arm out from under me, and I fell onto the slick grass. He giggled.

"That was uncalled for!" I faked a growl, and giggling still, Rath squealed and ran, hiding behind a bench.

"Avast (A/N: Or whatever pirates say, you know what I'm trying to say...) , you evil demon, cause I, Rath Illuser will vanquish thee!" I laughed at his attempt to sound like the pirates in the various books he'd read. He pouted, "I can too vanquish you!" he said, drawing out his sword.

"Hey!" I held my hands up, yelping.

"Don't worry, you're not really a demon," he smiled, "But I can still kick your butt." To prove his point, he tackled, me throwing me hard against the wet ground. I held him off, laughing freely and we tussled around. But the little knight couldn't stand against me, thought he did put up a very good fight. A couple minutes later, we lay next to each other, panting slightly. The rain had gotten harder, and the ground had sloshed to mud, covering us in it. Rath, smiling, gazed up at the dark sky. His smile faded a bit.

"Alfeegi, are you happy now?" he asked quietly. I frowned slightly.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, pretending not to know. He looked at me.

"C'mon. I knew you were really down, you looked sad."

"Maybe I just felt a little left out," I shrugged. He nodded, turning his gaze back up at the gray heavens. I sighed heavily, feeling the wet grass slick on my back.

"But why would a boy as young as you concern yourself over me? It's not like you like me, considering how much I nag you to do your work," I said sadly. He leaned towards me his bright eyes looking inside me.

"I like you. You and Kaistern and Ruwalk. You're my favorites. I like the Queen and Lord too, and Tetheus can be really cool too, but..." he leaned closer, and I could feel his breath on my face. I could have kissed him, but I reprimanded myself. He was a little kid. That would be like, sexual harassment! Before I could back out to remove myself from temptation, he leaned in quickly, brushing his lips against mine in a soft, quick kiss. I gasped, drawing back completely while savoring the moment in my shocked mind. He leaned back as well, a playful smirk on his face, his eyes teasing me. Was he just playing with my feelings?

"What... what were you thinking?" I gasped. He smirked darkly.

"My way of showing how special you are to me. But don't worry; I did that to Kaistern and Ruwalk as well. You fall so easily. You consider me such a kid..." he laughed, "But you really have no idea."

I shuddered. What was he talking about? This was a completely darker side to his personality. In any case... he was toying with my feelings. And had done so with Kaistern and Ruwalk as well. I was very confused. The gray world around me seemed to fit the scenario so well. His dark side, emerging in the shade of the sun, as dreary darkness that had once seemed peaceful, seemed to have chosen this exact moment for that reason.

"You really aren't innocent as you seem."

He laughed, the rain falling around his face, forming some sort of ghostly halo around his head. How ironic. He tilted closer, touching my cheek with his pale hand.

"No, I just like having some fun every once in a while, and seeing you squirm under my gaze is just that," I highly doubted it was just that. I was sure it also had something to do, subconsciously, with his demon side. He grinned, "I can't wait till I have a girl to do that with though."

I laughed, but inside I felt slightly hurt. He had used me. No doubt this was the way the other two officers had felt. But it was shocking. He really wasn't as innocent as simple minded as we thought. No, this boy had such a vast mind. Able to comprehend and think up things that could be hurtful as well as amazing, he used it to the full. But he kept it hidden so well!

"Well, don't try that again," now, I bent forward quickly, planting my own lips on his. I wasn't sure what I was doing. I didn't know whether it had been out of desire, or revenge. He blinked, then drew back, glaring at me slightly.

"I don't want anymore. I got the response I wanted already," he scowled. I chuckled.

"Yes, but I didn't get the one I wanted. Maybe that'll teach you not to toy with me, or anyone else like that again."

He bent his head down, "I really do like all of you. And I don't want you sad. Sorry," he apologized. I wasn't sure whether this was another trick or not, but I accepted it. He fell back onto the ground then.

"The mist is so pretty, isn't it?" he asked. I raised my eyebrows. He just went from an evil conspirator con artist to a sweet little ingenuous youth. As if his former presence had been eradicated.

"Yeah, it is," I said finally. Suddenly, the wet garden around me didn't seem so creepy and dreary and regained its peaceful qualities.

"It swirls... free to do as it wishes... I wish I could be mist."

I looked at him, the sighed, falling back too to stare at the mist. Yes, it was fog. Swirling, mixing, disappearing an appearing as it wished. Gorgeous, see through yet visible, flowing yet solid somehow.

"It invites itself in... Fits in wherever it pleases," I mumbled. I suddenly realized I was cold, and looking at Rath, I saw that his lips were a pale blue. How long had we been out here?

"Let's go in," I said, a moment before sneezing, "This is why they don't want us out here in the rain. You get sick."

He pouted but followed me out of the garden maze anyway. Dripping, since we'd been out in the rain for a long time, and now the rain was at full force, a strong storm with wind, we made our way up the palace courtyard steps.

"Alfeegi! Rath!" I heard someone's voice calling, and I picked up Rath in my arms, running inside the cozy warmth of the dark castle. Ruwalk and Lykouleon were standing in front of us, a mildly reproving and astonished look aimed at us. Their arms were loaded with various foods and pastries.

"What were you two doing out there?" Ruwalk asked.

"We were having some fun in the rain," I answered, "I was bored, and the rain looked inviting."

"Yeah, we played catch, and I got to pretend he was a demon!" Rath said tiredly, snuggling himself closer in my arms. I was beginning to feel heavy too.

"Well, it sounds like you had fun. Anyway, you guys are wet-"

"Don't worry, my Lord. I'll take care of Rath and make sure he changes into some dry clothes," I said quickly.

"Oh, good. Wait, do you want some food?" Ruwalk held out some of his goods, obtained by no less than legal ways.

"Sure," I said, and Rath held his hands out, taking the goods. I turned swiftly, heading for Rath's room first. As I got to the door, he wriggled in my arms until I let him off.

"I don't want you in my room. I'll change and then come back out,'" he said, and the door slammed in front of me, leaving me shivering in the hall. I leaned against the wall, wrapping my arms around myself to hold in the warmth. I sneezed. Darn it, now was not the time to get sick, I had work to do...

"Okay, I'm ready," Rath came out of his room, dressed in dry clothes, blanket draped around him.

"Ready? For what?"

"I wanna do something else now!" I groaned. Jeez, was he unbeatable? But I smiled anyway.

"Alright. But now you have to wait for me to get out of these muddy wet clothes," I said, walking to my room. Rath followed loyally.

Once inside my room, I listened to sounds of Rath eating some of the food outside my door. As I threw my sodden clothes off me and onto the balcony, where the rain would wash them, and eventually they'd dry once the sun came out, I thought about the kiss he'd given me. It hurt to know that it'd meant nothing. But then, why had he done it? Just to tease me? Well, mine had been partly sincere. The other part had been revengeful. I sighed. To think that I was actually attracted to that little red-haired youkai. My infatuation with him had faded into mere fascination, and I now was able to keep myself under much tighter control. I searched for clean, comfortable clothes and out them on, feeling their dryness cloak me as if they were burning hot. I felt much better. Searching in the dim light of the torches in my room, I finally found what I was looking for. My chess set. Putting it under my arm carefully, I opened the door to find Rath tracing patterns on the dust of the walls. He was so childishly simple sometimes it was amazing. Naïve purity was so... fascinating. Probably because we, as grownups, had already lost it long ago.

"How about we go in the library and play some chess?' I suggested, taking a bread and roll from his hands.

"Okay! Tetheus was teaching me how to play, so I can play good!" he said enthusiastically. I smiled sheepishly.

"Alright, but you're playing against an expert here," I warned him, opening the door to the library. Finding a nice table and drawing up two chairs, I set the pieces up.

"You can be black. I wanna go first," he said. I shrugged.

"Okay," I mumbled, taking another bite from the blueberry muffin I had in my hands. He moved his pawn and the game began.

OoO

"No, see, if you move here then you are putting both of these pieces in danger, so it's a much better move than just putting my rook in danger."

"Oh... okay! Now you're in danger."

"Yes, but I can get out of it by moving my bishop here. See, if you're stupid enough to attack any of these pieces, you leave your queen open for me to take. So if you value you queen, which you should since it's your most powerful piece, then you won't attack with that knight."

"Darn it! You're sneaky."

"I told you I was an expert," I smiled. He scowled, his face taut in concentration. We had been playing for a good hour, and I learned that he was a good player. Mostly because he caught concepts such as a forked attack so quickly and then applied them. The rain was still going strong, and every once in a while a lightning flash would illuminate the room and then be followed by the drumming explosion of the thunder. The game dragged on a couple more minutes, which seemed to take longer because I was getting tired.

"Checkmate," I yawned.

"Eep! No! Aw man..." he whined a bit and sighing, he got up from his seat and sat in my lap. Looking up at me, he smiled.

"That was fun!" he fingered one of the chess pieces and continued, "Are these hand made?"

I nodded, "Yeah. This chess set was made by my father. The board is wood, and the pieces are a type of clay. It's really special."

"Cool!"

"Alfeegi?" I whirled as I heard my name called. It sounded like the Lord.

"Yes, your highness?" I lifted Rath off my lap and stepped out into the hallway. The Lord's raised his hand when he caught sight of me.

"Oh, there you are. I needed your help on something."

"Yes. May I take a second, my Lord?"

"Oh, sure," Lykouleon smiled. I walked back into the library.

"Hey, Rath, will you do me a favor," I said, kneeling in front of Rath. He nodded, "Will you pick up my chess set and bring it to my room? You can set it on the bed."

"Sure!"

"Thanks, I have to help his Highness."

"Bye 'Feegi. Thanks!"

Walking besides the Lord, he grinned at me, "Seems like you had fun today with him?"

"Yes," I replied gratefully. And now that I thought about it, it was the first time in very long that I had felt at home and really liked. It was... well, not a particularly cheerful thought. It wasn't that the dragon tribe was in any way selfish, or unloving, but I just couldn't find room for myself anywhere. Turning to him, I smiled, "So what did you need help with, my Lord?"

OOO

Later that night, I walked to my room, my footsteps sounding hollow and slow. I was tired, and had somehow managed to get a papercut that had the misfortune of opening every time I closed my fingers. Opening the room to my door, I was surprised to find Rath asleep on my bed, my chess set next to him. I shook him slightly, and he sat up, yawning and rubbing his eyes."

"Rath? What are you doing here? It' s late, you should be sleeping."

"Alfeegi..." he looked up tearfully at me, "I'm really sorry. Don't get mad at me!"

"Why?"

He sobbed slightly, "I lost one of your pieces. There was a really loud thunder, and I jumped, and the pieces fell, and I couldn't find them all!"

I bit my lip and sighed, "I'm sad, but I'm not mad at you. It's okay," I said, taking him into my arms and rocking him, "Now, let's put you in bed."

He nodded, not looking into my eyes. I carried him to his room, watching him fall asleep in my arms. Opening the door to his room and setting him in his bed, I suddenly felt exhausted. Instead of leaving, I fell asleep next to him, holding the little sweet mannered boy in my arms.

OOO

"Happy Birthday Alfeegi!" I looked up to see Rath in front of me, smiling gleefully. "Thanks," I smiled widely. I wondered if he'd remembered by himself, or if he'd been reminded that today was my birthday by another officer. In any case, I didn't care. I was happy. There was going to be a small party at the end of the day, and I was glad. I felt a lot more at home now in the castle, and a lot had had to do with Rath.

"Here. I got you a gift!" he held out his hands, and I saw that he held a folded piece of paper for a birthday card, and a small present, wrapped in papier-mâché.

"Did you make all of this by yourself?" I asked.

"Yeah! All of it! Even the present. And I wrapped it myself."

"You did well," I opened the card, a drawing bidding me a happy birthday with a drawing of him in me.

"Now open the present!" he said excitedly. I pulled off the wrapping paper and gasped.

"It's for the one I lost," he mumbled. I held a chess piece, the knight he'd lost. Black, and very well done, "I did it all by myself too. Do you like it?"

"I love it," I said, squeezing the little boy hard.

"I'm glad!" he grinned. /

I remembered well how he acted before. Before the alchemist Kharl had revealed his horrendous past, thus destroying Rath's childlike mind. Now, he withdrew, glared at us and hardly spoke to us. The only one he talked to half openly was Kaistern, and he'd once revealed to me that it was because of a promise, nothing more. And now he was gone. The little child with the clear eyes... the sweet voice, the inquisitive nature and keen sense of humor and cleverness. The open, cheerful boy had turned into a half crazy cold young man. One who'd lost all happiness. And now he was gone forever.

"Alfeegi! What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I drifted from those memories into Ruwalk's voice and realized that I had been asleep. And that I was crying again. I opened my eyes to Ruwalk's alarmed face, and he suddenly swept me into his arms pressing me close.

"I'm fine... Ruwalk look," he let go at my drowsy voice and I held up the drawing and chess knight.

"Oh... Is that what you were crying about?" he asked sympathetically. I nodded and buried myself in his arms.

"He's gone, Ruwalk. I remembered everything..." I sobbed slightly.

"Look, c'mon baby, let's get something to eat," he said, trying to distract me. I nodded, glad for it and tried to stand up.

"Need a little help?" he smiled, hoisting me up. But as soon as he let go, I tipped sideways, falling into him.

"I forgot, I got bit by a yellow-belly," I mumbled to him. He sighed and stroked my face.

"You feeling sort of okay though?" I nodded against his shoulder and closed my eyes.

"What time is it?"

He shifted me around to get a glance at his watch, "About three o'clock."

Now it was my turn to sigh. He gathered me in his arms and took me to the dining room, even though I didn't eat much. I had managed to sleep through the morning and most of the afternoon, and I had work to do. Once again in Ruwalk's arms, I felt him kiss my forehead lightly, and then I drifted off to sleep again as he set me in his bed.

* * *


	6. Ruwalk's Torment

Italics – Memories

/Italics/ - Dreams

* * *

**_Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 6-Ruwalk's Torment_**

* * *

I called out again, hoping to get a response. Maybe he was in the library office; it was one of the few places I hadn't checked. I sighed, running my hand through my brown, red-tipped hair. Alfeegi'd been acting so strange. It wasn't a surprise of course, but it was almost heart wrenching to see my aquamarine haired angel like that. He was more sensitive than anyone thought, and... Rath's death was hard on all of us. Especially Lykouleon, and Cesia, and Kaistern and Rune. Those were way too many people. 

"Alfeegi! You in here?" I peeked in the library. Nope, no Alfeegi, "Darn it, where are you?" I grumbled. My stomach did too. I walked down to his office again, hoping he'd be there, even though that was the first place I had looked in. No, the room was empty. Something green caught my eye. Aquamarine to be exact. It was Alfeegi's hair. Sighing with relief, I wandered inside his office, going to the back, where all the files where kept.

"Alfeegi, where have you –"

I stopped. Alfeegi was on the floor, slumped against the tall bookshelves, eyes closed. I knelt down, noting with growing alarm the tears running down his face.

"Alfeegi! What's wrong? Are you hurt?" I watched anxiously as he opened his eyes slowly, gazing emptily before they gained focus. I wasn't sure why, but I had been overly anxious, and as soon as he opened his eyes, something snapped. I pulled him into me, almost shaking with relief.

"I'm fine... Ruwalk, look," he said hazily, and I let go to look at what he was holding out in his hands. A drawing and a black knight.

"Oh... Is that what you were crying about?" I asked slowly. I... had been largely ignorant of Alfeegi at the time, so I hadn't known about these items until he'd told me about them, and the memories that went along with them. Alfeegi buried himself onto me, shaking and on the verge of another breakout.

"He's gone Ruwalk. I remembered everything..." he almost sobbed. I felt so helpless, watching him suffer in my arms.

"Look, c'mon baby, let's get something to eat," I had to distract him, he'd had too much over these past days. It was bad for his health. Alfeegi had never had the best of health, and this wasn't helping him. I smiled, trying my best to help him get on, and he nodded, trying to get up.

"Need a little help?" I smiled, taking his arm and pulling him up. He leaned against me for a moment, his lithe body pressed up to mine. But as soon as I let go, he swayed, falling back onto me.

"I forgot, I got bit by a yellow-belly," he mumbled uncoordinatedly. I sighed and stroked his face. Another point against him.

"You feeling okay though?" I asked, referencing more to his emotional status than how he felt physically. Those yellow-belly spiders were really getting to be a problem. And they made you feel like crap, even if they weren't deadly, or dangerous, but it was like getting hit with a really bad cold, all concentrated into one or two days. I felt his head nod against in my shoulder.

"What time is it?" he asked finally.

"About three o'clock," I had to smile, knowing he wouldn't like the answer. He'd probably slept most of the day. I could see his annoyance in the drowsy scowl he wore and his sigh. I picked him up, taking him to the dining room and making him eat, though he obviously didn't have much of an appetite. I decided to take him to my room, where I could keep an easy eye on him as I worked.

Kissing his forehead lightly as I set him in my bed, I sat next to him, watching. It was my turn now to be indulged in memories and grief. I had tried to cover it up for Alfeegi's sake, but now that he wasn't watching, I was free to let go. Slowly, a couple tears ran down my face. Then more, and more. I tried to keep my mind from dwelling too much on the memories by watching Alfeegi breathe deeply, forehead lined thinly with sweat.

I got up, swaying as a sudden migraine attacked. Darn it, not now... I'd had migraine attacks since I was young. They'd strike suddenly and forcefully, luckily only lasting a couple hours instead of days, like Alfeegi's did. I sat back down, lying next to Alfeegi, covering my eyes with my hand as the light burnt painfully and the room seemed to tip and whirl.

Rath Illuser. The name popped into my head so suddenly I stood up. First mistake of the day, I realized as I clenched my mouth shut, one hand on my head, the other on my stomach, fighting the urge to lose my recent lunch.

Why him? Why had I suddenly thought of him? No matter, now he was in my head. I remembered giving him his name. I closed my eyes, my hands searching for Alfeegi's to comfort me in what I felt would be a nightmare.

_/ "We're keeping it?" I asked weakly, opening my eyes finally. Lykouleon looked at me and nodded. _

"Even though it almost killed Ruwalk," that would be Kaistern, I thought, closing my eyes against the tremendous pain I felt.

Lykouleon kept quiet, and I could only imagine the look of torment he wore. It was true. That youkai had almost killed me, destroyed me with one single swipe of its long, deadly claws, slicing through my body, the muscles and organs like it was slitting chicken meat, and would have ravaged through my flesh, tearing out every scrap with its dangerous teeth, gleaming scarlet with blood and left the bones to rot and be scavenged by hungry bugs and vultures. I felt my stomach turn with repulsion, because I knew that it was almost what had happened.

"You okay, Ruwalk?" Alfeegi asked, pushing a basin towards me. I sat up with painful difficulty and was quietly sick for a couple seconds. The head secretary turned away respectfully until I was done, falling back onto the infirmary bed exhausted.

"Thanks. Was it that obvious?" I asked weakly.

"I only guessed," he shrugged. Lykouleon looked apologetically at me and I tried to smile.

"So... you... made this thing human?" I asked, unbelieving. The rest of them nodded.

"Yes. It is now a member of the dragon tribe. It needs to keep a light dragon amulet, since its blood is still that of a youkai's. Technically... it's still youkai," Tetheus informed me.

"Jeez, how much did I miss while I was out?" I said sarcastically.

"A lot. It was really cool when the Lord transformed him," Kaistern said enthusiastically, trying his best to hide the unease in the room. I couldn't believe it. Did I now have to live... with this thing? This demon that had rampaged through all of Dusis, killed many of our dragon fighters, half of the population in the country, and had almost killed me?

"He's just a child though, and he doesn't remember any of it," Lykouleon was almost pleading with us. We didn't quite understand why he had done this. He said it was because the demon had taken the body of Illuser, Lykouleon's old pet. And then, he couldn't go through with it. He couldn't kill it.

"What... what will we call it?" Alfeegi asked. Everyone looked at him, surprised at his logic. Of course we had to find a name for him.

"How about... Rath?" Tetheus suggested after a pause.

"Oh, that's a cool name. It sounds like a really strong warrior," poor Kaistern. It was hard for us to think of this thing as anything other than a monster. He was doing his best to destroy the discrimination and fear we had for the creature, and it wasn't even here with us.

"What about it's last name?"

Kind of interesting how we kept calling it an it... there I went again. It was now a dragon. A him... I looked at Lykouleon.

"Names are what make you... Our last names represent our parents. Since he's got none, then his name should reflect his past..." Tetheus reflected.

"How about... Illuser?" I suggested. I received stares.

"Are you purposely trying to brand him?" Alfeegi asked, outraged, "Isn't it a bit cruel to name him that?"

"...Rath Illuser..." Lykouleon looked at his lap, seemingly lost in thought.

"It has a nice ring," I said lamely. The Lord finally looked up.

"The Dragon Tribe has a new member... Rath Illuser."

I didn't care anymore. Right now, the three large slashed across by chest were burning so badly my vision was slipping. I mumbled something, and finally fell unconscious.

OOO

It wasn't until a week later, when I was finally able to stand, that I got my first glimpse of the new addition to the dragon tribe. "Thanks Kaistern," I said, breathing heavily as he supported me.

"No problem. You were hurt pretty bad. Is your fever gone?" he mumbled, putting his hand on my forehead.

"I'm hungry. Can we please just go on?" I asked. A week bed ridden was not fun at all. He nodded and helped me along. A tinkling laugh reached my ears. I didn't recognize the voice. As we walked by one of the courtyard entrances I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Is... is that him?"

"Yeah."

There, laughing and rolling along on the ground was a little boy. His red hair gleamed in the sun, his flushed cheeks squeezed in a wide smile as he played with Crewger.

"We decided to give him the dog," Kaistern said. I was mesmerized. For some reason, I had expected him to be... demonic in some way. But he wasn't at all. He looked so innocent and pure...

"Let's go," Kaistern nudged me. I looked up, startled, and leaned back into him as he guided me to the dining hall, taking one last look at the little boy.

Everyone was more cheerful now, and I felt like everything was back to normal for a while, cracking jokes, having Alfeegi glare at me, the atmosphere light. Until about the last couple minutes of dinner.

The little boy, the one I'd named Rath Illuser, wandered in, heading straight to Raseleane.

"Mommy, I'm hungry," I looked at Lykouleon, startled.

"Yes dear, ask Cernozura. She's got your dinner," the graceful queen pushed the little boy back towards the kitchens.

"Mommy?" I repeated.

"Well, I told him he could call me that even though he knows I'm not his real mother. He... thinks he's an orphan from the demon that rampaged through Dusis," she said, smiling sadly, the look of slight apprehension never leaving her eyes. And I noticed that everyone else had the same look. In fact, I knew it was what I was feeling too. The conversation dimmed down after that.

"So, what does he call you, huh, Lykouleon?" I grinned. He looked somberly at me.

"Nothing," I was taken aback by the flatness of his voice. Was he... still feeling guilty, or responsible for something?

"Ruwalk, finish eating," the white secretary chided.

OOO

I sighed, putting my hands behind my head. It was so dull. I was bored out of my mind. How was it that Alfeegi managed to file out all these papers all day? Maybe that was why he was such an annoying, short-fused guy. Whatever. I wanted some fresh air.

Leaning forward to get up, I felt the torn flesh on my chest scrunch together, and I gasped in pain. Swaying as I took the couple steps to the courtyard outside, I finally crumbled back onto the grass, panting.

Minutes later, as my breath finally subsided, I laid back, breathing in the fresh air. Well, all it took to get back in a good mood was to be outside for a while, I thought. I looked up as I heard something rolling towards me. I brought up y hand just in time to stop a ball from hitting me in the face.

"Hello, mister. Can I have my ball back?" My eyes widened as a little boy ran towards me, all out of breath. Rath. He stopped a few feet away from me, eyeing me curiously.

"Um, yeah Rath," I fumbled with the blue sphere and managed to toss it back. He caught it deftly and set it on the ground softly.

"Who are you?" he asked, sitting down next to me. I sat up with difficulty and looked down at the boy's bright red eyes... Red eyes and hair. Crimson, gleaming like the blood it's past form had spilled. How ironically appropriate. I must have been staring for a while, because the gorgeous boy frowned.

"You know my name, what's yours?" he pouted slightly, patience running out as he waited for an answer.

"Uh, oh, yeah, my name's Ruwalk. I'm the yellow dragon officer," I said, still staring at him. How had Lykouleon managed to make such a beauty out of a fearful youkai?

"Hi!" the little boy's smile appeared, wide and innocent, shining with the light of the stars. But like the light of the stars twinkled, so did his smile. The light faded periodically, as if inhibited by darkness.

"Hello. Do you like the dragon tribe?" I smiled. I dealt well with children, and that was what this boy was. He was no longer a demon, I reminded myself.

"Yeah! They're really cool. But... are they scared of me? I don't have any real family do I? Are they scared because they aren't my real family?" he asked quietly and I looked at him in shock. While talking to Kaistern, he'd told me that they were trying their best to hide their unease. How... how had such a small boy come to that realization? How had he figured that out? He had great intuition, I thought. How had he seen the fear that dwelled in our hearts when we saw him? How had he realized that he had no real family? Did that mean that he'd figured that we had been lying when we said that he was an orphan?

"No. We're not scared of you. It's just that we're not used to you yet, and so we act a little weird... What makes you say you have no real family?"

"I don't know. I just don't feel connected. I feel... like I had someone... but I just don't feel like I have a family, or else I wouldn't feel so empty inside," he said, looking down at the ground as he motioned towards his heart. I was... taken aback by the instincts and depth of what this young boy was saying.

"You're right. I don't know if you have family or not. You may have had, but I don't think you do... I'm sorry," I took his hands, smiling widely, "But then, let us be our new family."

"Really?" his twinkling smiled lit his face again, accompanied by glittering eyes.

"Yeah. We'll all be your family," I said reassuringly to this small boy, who appeared so lost and alone, feeling like he'd never belonged.

"Then, can you play with me?" he asked eagerly.

"Sure," I agreed. Grinning, he got up and retrieved the ball.

"I can't get up..." I said apologetically.

"Then how'd you get here?" he asked cleverly.

"Well, it hurts. See, I got hurt by this really bad demon a couple weeks ago."

A strange look went by his eyes, almost of recognition, and the ball fell out of his hands.

"Are you okay, Rath?" I asked, pushing to get up and help Rath, who was holding his head, groaning. And just as suddenly as he'd doubled over, he straightened, looking frightened.

"Yeah, I'm okay... but my head hurt," he said walking over as if seeking protection.

"Yeah, it was weird. Does it still hurt?" he shook his head and sat next to me again.

"Rath! Hey, it's time for your bath!" we both looked up as Kaistern called the redheaded boy over.

"Aw man..." he mumbled, getting to his feet. He looked back at me as he began to run, "Bye Ruwalk! See you tomorrow!"

"Bye!" I waved back. Maybe he wasn't as bad as we thought he'd be... he certainly gave off a much different portrait than that of a demon...

OOO

I didn't even bother waving goodbye to the farmer who'd been kind enough to give us a lift to the Dragon Castle. Besides me, Kaistern grumbled something. We'd just come back from a mission, and I was tired, annoyed, hungry, tired, and in a bad mood.

"Those idiots at Pezcaldia think they know everything. What were they trying to do?"

"Oh, I don't know, kick us out by force if necessary?" Kaistern answered my question sarcastically, giving me a clue that he was as bad in a position as me.

"That was the worst diplomatic trip I have EVER gone to. They should all burn and die. I don't wanna do that again," I growled.

"Oh yeah? Well you're lucky, you get to just sit on your butt all day in the castle. I'm the one who has to go and run these stupid diplomats' tongues at me and deal with it," the albino officer spat back.

"Hey, you shouldn't be talking, I fought off my share of their remarks."

"And then ruined it with your stupid comment."

"I had no idea that they would react so badly to a simple suggestion!"

"That's cause you weren't paying attention to what I was telling you earlier about their pride, it's as bad as yours!"

"Well I didn't get drunk everyday just cause I wanted to!"

"Cause I wanted to? Are you kidding? Have you any idea the headaches their voices give me?"

"Yeah well, it doesn't help being drunk if you're fighting demons."

"It doesn't help either if you can't even handle a sword."

"Could too!"

"Can not!"

"You can't do much of anything else right."

"Oh, and you can?"

"Yeah!"

"As if, you sonnofa-"

"BOYS!" we both whirled around, realizing we were at the palace entrance, and met up with one peeved Cernozura, standing on the steps.

"I have never seen two officers bickering like that in my life over a little trip!" she chided.

"Well that's what these trips do to ya," I mumbled.

"No, this is what traveling with someone else does to you. I never come home like this," Kaistern glared at me. So what if I had messed up a bunch of times? I wasn't a master at these things.

"Whatever. You're just an idiot," I said and turned around, walking back to my room, not bothering with the response I got from him.

Dropping my things disrespectfully on the ground, I flopped on my bed, exhausted. That had been the most horrible trip on Dusis... I yawned at rubbed my forehead, feeling the onslaught of a sudden migraine coming on.

"Ruwalk!" I was at that state of sleeping in which you feel like you're finally getting somewhere, floating on the verge of consciousness. That feeling was shattered as I heard Alfeegi knock on my door.

"What...?" I mumbled.

"You know you have a report to write out?" his loud voice made my head vibrate painfully.

"Tomorrow..." I mumbled, dropping my head back, the pillow feeling like it was made of lead.

"Ruwalk," Alfeegi opened the door and I could feel his glare burning onto my back, "The Lord needs that report tomorrow for his meeting with the Hermosa Kingdom. You have to do it!"

"Why not Kaistern?" I said, wishing that he'd quiet down.

"Because he wasn't at the meeting you went to!"

"Man, why are you so annoying?" I said angrily, finally sitting up, holding my head heavily.

"Because you don't do your work!" he yelled back after a couple seconds of being shocked at my response. I guess it was weird to see me angry, since I was so relaxed and laid back. Him on the other hand, he was angry all the time.

"So what? I have a migraine. You're so loud, can't you just go away and bug someone else?"

Alfeegi stood still for a couple seconds, his body shaking, and at first I thought it was because he was so angry, but as I looked up to his face, I was surprised to find his eyes shiny with tears. He dropped his head.

"Fine. I'll go somewhere else. But... you still need to do that report. Not for me, but for Lykouleon," and with that he turned and ran down the hall, disappearing from my room.

"Aw man, what did I do..." I muttered, getting up slowly. Sighing, I made my way to my office and sat down in my chair. This would take all night... I thought, seeing that the sun was setting already. The sun-draped painting blurred as the light made my head spin and my vision blur.

"Ruwalk!" Rath's voice interrupted me a couple minutes later, and I looked up at him.

"Hi," I said, turning back to my work. My mood hadn't improved any, and I didn't want to find myself yelling at Rath too.

"How was your trip?"

"It sucked."

"Really? Why? Kaistern said the same thing," he sidled up to me, putting his chin on the desk and looking up at me.

"Then why didn't you ask him why?"

"Are you in a bad mood?"

"I don't know, do I look happy?" I snapped, my head reeling with his voice.

"No. You look bad. Like I do when I'm sick," he said getting behind me and leaning down, so I could feel his breath on my neck. His voice was soft, soft enough it didn't hurt as bad when he spoke.

"I have a headache and I have to finish this report for Lykouleon," I said, trying to make him leave even though I didn't want him to. He began to run his hands in circles on my back.

"I wanna watch you work. And maybe a massage will make your headache go away," he grinned. I sighed, shivering slightly at his touch. So cold... there was almost a sinister feeling about it, the way his hands played with the folds of my shirt. Yet, it was soothing _and intriguing, making me yearn for more. _

"Does that feel good?"

"...Yeah," I said, trying to concentrate on the parchment of paper in front of me. Miraculously, I felt the migraine that was making it next to impossible to work fade away to a dull throb. I managed to write half of the report before I felt his hands falter with impatience and boredom.

"It's getting late, maybe you should go to bed," I suggested.

"Okay," he shrugged and strode to the couch in my office. Stifling a yawn, he sat on it and curled up, falling fast asleep in a matter of minutes.

OOO

Hours later, the moon shining brightly through the dim candle lights on my desk, I was almost done. My migraine had returned full force, and I was now fighting not only that, but also the exhaustion of five days in one helluva trip while trying to concentrate on remembering exactly what had happened, putting it into words in my head and then writing it down. I stopped thinking for a moment, as it only made my head hurt worse, then tried again a while later. The process was repeated so that in five minutes, I had one sentence finished. Just a couple more. How annoying. I groaned, feeling sick. My groan must have woken Rath up, because I heard him stir and I looked up to find him staring at me drowsily.

"You're still here?" he rubbed his eyes, and I had the fleeting vision of a sleeping angel. That's what he looked like. His clear eyes gazed at me, his pale skin pulling and stretching as he got up towards me, his hair all messy from sleep.

"Yeah," I groaned again.

"You're sick aren't you?" he asked sympathetically. I nodded and put my head on arms. Shouldn't it be backwards? Me be the sympathetic one? Him acting like the little kid he was and being sick. Instead, I was acting as pathetic as a kid his age. He got behind me again, wrapping his arms around me, bringing his face close to mine.

"Aren't you gonna finish that report before going to sleep?"

I scribbled 'the end', "Yeah. Now I can go to sleep."

He giggled lightly and I glared at him. He held out his hand, "You aren't going to sleep here, are you?"

I sighed, getting to my feet rather clumsily. He took my hand and led me through the halls, opening the door to my room and leading me inside.

"Thanks," I mumbled, he pulled the covers back and I all but collapsed onto them, wincing as the stupid movement shocked my head.

"You don't look good," he observed. No duh, I thought, but didn't say so. "... Go to bed now," I said, closing my eyes.

"Can I sleep with you?" I opened my eye to look at him then closed them shut as my head pounded again.

I tried to say 'sure' but I wasn't sure what came out. In any case, he understood me and got into the covers with me, wrapping his arms around my neck again. This time, his face was so close, I felt his breath on my neck and shuddered.

"Ruwalk?" I turned my head and looked at him. He was so gorgeous... his figure, draped in darkness along with the blurring of my vision made him look like an angel of darkness.

"Hm?"

"I hope you feel better," he said and leaned in pushing his lips against mine and pulling himself closer as he ran his tongue on my lips and drew the air out of me. I was too confused and exhausted to resist it, and he took advantage of that, making his kiss as long as possible before finally drawing back, leaving my head spinning from lack of air. He touched his lips lightly, and I could see a devilish smile on them.

"Did you like that?" I couldn't stop myself and nodded stupidly. Was this really Rath? That innocent little boy who had just but a second ago held my hand to lead me to my room? Who was now taking slight advantage of my migraine to toy with me, in the pretense that he was trying to make me feel better? Wait a second; I was the grownup here, shouldn't it be the other way around? Not that that'd be any better... but he was just a little kid, how had he learned all this? I wondered fleetingly if this was maybe... maybe his youkai side that resurfaced every once in a while in ways that none of us could understand.

"Do you want me to do it again?" I said nothing, but I guessed that my eyes spoke volumes. I did want to feel his lips against mine, I did want to feel him trying to ravage through my soul in ways that no human or dragon could, or ever had, and I'd had experience. Grinning dangerously again, he laid his lips on mine again, more softly this time, letting the kiss heat as my senses grew sharper with something close, but much more tame, to lust. I couldn't help but feel, however, that there was no feeling from him. He was simply manipulating me to his own desires. Desires which I had no idea what they could possibly be. He ran his tongue inside my mouth, and I shuddered with pleasure. But the icy feeling I got from his body only intensified, and I broke away reluctantly.

"You're... you're only playing with me," I managed to say.

"Yeah, but you like it. I just wanted to make you feel better," he snuggled closer, but just leaned his head against my chest. I closed my eyes, wondering if he was being candid with me when he said that. How could such an innocent angel be able to toy with emotions so expertly? I felt his arms wrap around me, pulling me, and found that I was now in his hold, being cradled gently by him. A sudden pound from my head made me wince, and the pain intensified until I felt myself slipping, feeling only the tight grip of the blood-haired angel.

OOO

"And the three little pigs built houses out of hay- don't know what he was thinking- wood, which was actually smart, and brick- did they even have the technology to make bricks? - And then – Are you listening?" I looked up from my story to look at Rath, who looked about as miserable as a cat in a boat stranded in the middle of lake.

"Yeah... keep on reading Ruwalk," he asked pitifully. I continued reading, keeping my eyes out on the little boy who sat on his chair, arms wrapped around his legs, head resting on his knees, as he looked unfocusedly outside.

"Then they all died," I said suddenly, seeing if he was paying attention.

"Huh...? They probably ate something bad, poor sheep," Rath mumbled. Well, he was paying attention to my last statement, but how he got sheep out of pigs I had no idea. "What?" I stared at him. Sheep? Was he hallucinating, or talking to his imaginary friend instead of paying attention to the three little pigs? Not that I blamed him, I hated that story. Rath looked up, gazing confusedly.

"Did the sheep die?"

"What are you talking about? I was reading the story about the stupid three pigs who kicked the bad wolf's a- ah... I mean butt," whoops, I was in front of a kid.

"Oh... Sorry. I was thinking about something else," he mumbled tiredly.

"Hey, are you feeling bad?" I rushed over to him, putting my hand to his forehead, "Jeez, you're dying here. You shouldn't have gone out in the rain yesterday. Alfeegi got sick too, but his version of rest is going through all the records and papers that were filed in the past week. Anyway, back to you, you're burning hot."

"Darn, I wanted to hunt demons..."

"We know you do, but not while you're sick. That's why we tell you to stay out of the rain, you get colds. Now sneeze and we'll know it's a cold," Rath looked at me before sneezing, "That phrase always works unless you don't have a cold."

"My head hurts," he mumbled, snuggling against me.

"Yeah well, let's take you to your room."

"I'm tired," I picked him up, taking him smoothly and carrying him to his room.

"That's why you're going to bed," I said, pulling the covers back and settling him in. "My stomach hurts," he whined again.

"You're just trying to get attention, you big baby," I said fondly, placing my hand on his burning face, flushed with heat. He sneezed again, but it turned into a heavy cough. I sat next to him, holding him until the spasm calmed and he hung weakly onto me for support. "Do you need anything?" I asked, getting a cloth and some cool water. His head moved a fraction of an inch to the sides. I offered him a glass of water, "Here."

He swallowed it gratefully and coughed again, whimpering and looking at me. I stood up to leave, "I have work to do, you sleep and I'll tell everyone to drop by and say hello. I'm sure Alfeegi would too if he wasn't in bed as well."

Rath looked at me pleadingly and the red in his eyes swirled, "No, please stay! I don't want to be alone!"

I gazed at him for a second, melting inside, "Alright. But no traps if I stay." "No," he said almost inaudibly. His eyes closed and his arm reached out to grab my hand before it fell limp.

"You're such a cute angel," I murmured. Sighing, I replaced the cloth on his forehead and wiped the sweat off his face. He sighed and muttered something incomprehensible and dozed off again.

OOO

I sighed, looking out the dark window. It was a moonless night, the only source of illumination being the stars that dotted the sky. From my bedroom balcony I could see the light that shone in the room across from the courtyard. Rath's room.

He'd been lost all of yesterday, going on a demon hunt, and we'd had to go look for him. Kaistern had finally found him and brought him home, unconscious. He hadn't woken up yesterday, and today, had refused to come out of his room. Kaistern had assured us that he was physically fine, that he had woken up after he'd found him, but... as he told us the story, we all knew that Rath now knew all of his past. We could only wonder what that would do to him.

OOO

I knew Rath was around. He'd finally come out of his room, and the first thing he'd done was show Lykouleon the body of little Deus. Lykouleon had been very depressed, Kaistern had already told him about his dragon's death, and we were all apprehensive at what Rath would be like now that his youkai side had been reawakened, and he knew what he was capable of.

Somehow though, I felt that Rath wouldn't take advantage of his demon powers. He wasn't that type of person. But I was dreading the changes such a traumatic experience would cause him. Our usually innocent, naïve beautiful angel had been given a potentially deadly dose of darkness.

I knew Rath was around, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to meet him. It happened anyway. There he was, the dark angel, lying on his back on a bench, looking up at the sky. Pain, betrayal, hatred, fear, insecurity, anxiousness, dread, angst, all flew in his eyes, veiling them, destroying the beautiful happiness and joy that had once thrived in those glorious rose red eyes. Now, they were the red of spilt blood. I walked quietly over, and he heard my footsteps and sat up quickly, almost warily and eyed me, untrusting. I flinched at the cold gaze he gave me, feeling guilty, distressed about the lack of warmth that had once been there. "Rath..." I called softly, standing in front of him.

"What do you want?" he asked neutrally, but that neutrality was cold, icy, compared to the warmth that had once flowed in his beautiful voice.

"We don't care if you're a demon. We're sorry that we didn't tell you, but... but, how could we tell such a young boy such a devastating thing? You have to understand that," I was almost pleading. He gave me a look of hatred.

"I never wanted to know! I didn't want to know this! But how could you expect to keep it a secret? One day I would find out and then my life would be ruined! I killed everyone! I was that youkai that you all speak of with such fear and hatred and I always wondered why you looked at me the way you did, and now I know! You all gave me a stupid life that I didn't deserve! I killed people! I'm a murderer! I hate you! How could you have given me life... it hurts! I would rather be dead than to have this pain! But I have a life! A life you gave me! I hate you! You don't care about me because you're afraid of me!" I sank to my knees at his pained voice, as hatred I had never heard in my life was aimed at me. No, that wasn't right. He was yelling at himself too. He hated himself as well. I felt my heart squeeze as I saw the pain in his eyes.

"Rath... no... we – we all love you for you. We don't care about your demon side," I said, trying to convince him. He stood, walking up to me, and looking up with a malicious smile.

"You're lying. And I'm lying too. And I won't ever tell the truth again. Not to anyone," he whispered, then turned and fled.

"Oh God... Rath..." I trembled, sitting in the middle of the garden, thinking about... Rath.

What was really sad was that he wasn't the type pf person who would take advantage of his demonic powers and try to gain power or reach his desires from it. He probably had enough strength to even top Nadil. Yet that thought never crossed his mind. Rath really was an innocent, pure hearted boy. He was scared. He was deathly afraid of his demon side, and he felt a guilt so immense it overwhelmed him about the deaths he'd caused. And he dreaded more than anything to become that demon again. He wanted to be pure, honest, clean, and since he was none of those, he didn't want life. He was as innocent as you could get. He could have used such power to his advantage, but he was so afraid of it, and so naïve and kind, that he didn't use it. He repulsed it, hated it because it was the opposite of what he really wanted to be. The guilt he felt... was enormous. It was a surprise that he hadn't lost his mind way before now. It wasn't surprising that he ended up committing suicide. This pain was what he had to deal with everyday. Everyday...

But it hurt. I understood what he had gone through, was going through, but it hurt, to be hated, to be called a liar, by the object of random affections and casual desires. That day marked the beginning of an abyss that grew between Rath and us./

OOO

The next day, I knocked on Alfeegi's office door, not that I needed to, but I felt like it.

"Who is it?"

"Depending on my answer, will I need earplugs?"

"Haha, very funny Ruwalk," I opened the door. Alfeegi sat at his desk, arms crossed, trying to look annoyed at me, but his lips twitched upwards until they finally broke into a small grin. He shook his head, "When will I be forgiven for any sins I caused?" he remarked to no one.

"When I have eaten lunch and had a nice time with you," I replied. He sighed and stood up, taking my hand in his and with the other one touching my forehead.

"Did you have a migraine last night?"

"How did you know?"

"You always look kind of disoriented after a migraine, and that's how you looked this morning."

"Well, you didn't look any better. Still good?"

"I'm fine. The poison only lasts a day or two, and I sucked a good bit out," Alfeegi smiled sweetly, a treat just for me. I picked him up and swung him, feeling rather cheered despite my disturbing dreams. I wanted to forget. "Didn't you say you wanted some food?" the white secretary chided rather slyly as I kissed him chastely on the neck.

"And a nice time. Whichever came first," I grinned, but nonetheless walked out, hearing his footsteps behind me.

"His highness has been very depressed..." Alfeegi mentioned worriedly.

"Who can blame him?" I said sympathetically. Alfeegi sighed.

"I don't know," his light eyes clouded.

"Cheer up Alfeegi, or else I'll get in a bad mood again," I said, whirling around and taking him into my arms. He gave a little gasp and then smiled, enchanted. I kissed him deeply, feeling the need to draw strength from him. He responded widely and strongly, opening his mouth invitingly and welcoming my tongue, letting his slide out as well, in a refreshing amount of passion.

"That... felt good," he panted, smiling widely.

"Stick out your tongue and open your mouth," I ordered. He looked at me and obeyed, standing there expectantly. I dove in again, biting his tongue lightly and closing my mouth tightly over his in another heated exchange.

We both froze as we heard a small laugh behind us and whirled. Lykouleon stood in front of us, standing on crutches, looking way too amused for his own good.

"Um... hi, Lord Lykouleon. How long you been there?" I asked stupidly.

"Long enough. I'm glad to see that some people can move on with their lives. Maybe I can take that advice too," he said his face turning from a giggly look to a somber one.

"Right. For now, could you leave us alone?"

"Maybe I should supervise," he grinned cleverly.

"I'm sure you wouldn't want to, you'd get very bored," I pulled Alfeegi into the nearest room and closed the door, eager to continue what had been so interestingly and embarrassingly interrupted.

I heard Alfeegi mutter 'Yeah right. How could he get bored watching us make out?' and I clamped his mouth shut to make sure the Lord didn't hear, getting bitten in the process as well.

"Thanks for that little painful message not to do that again, now where were we?" I said, and Alfeegi grinned.

"Right about here," he said and dove into me, grasping my lips on his own and pushing his arms up my shirt sensuously. I followed suit, running my hands through his long, silky hair and shivering in ecstasy at his breath on my ear and his tongue on my neck.

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**Thank you for all the support! **


	7. Thatz's Thoughts

**Time for another really long chapter. I've been kinda lazy, taking it easy now that summer started, and I kinda had a writer's block. SO that's with the long delay... I've also been busy trying to revise all of my story and replacing the revised chapters up. But anyway, thank you to all my reviewers, and here's another chapter!**

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Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 7-Thatz's Thoughts

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I sat in my chair sullenly, watching Kitchel play with a stray kitten outside the castle. We were a bit outside the downtown area, where things weren't so crowded, but we still had the pleasure of human company were we to need it. 

"Kitchel. I'm going into the Master's bar," I told her quietly. She looked up, picked up the kitten and walked behind me, "I don't think he'd appreciate you brining that in."

"I don't care," she mumbled. We were both in a bad mood. Hardly surprising. The whole castle was in the dumps, so to speak. No one was cheerful; Rath's death really had affected all of us. We both needed a break, so we came here. But as I had found out rather quickly, it hadn't helped. I was just reminded of all the times I had walked through these streets out on a mission with Rune and Rath. My two best friends really, after Kitchel. Kitchel... was a friend. That was all she was. I had never slept with her, though we'd slept in the same bed. The night Rath had died had been one of those. We had sought each other more for comfort than for feelings for each other. She knew it, I knew it. She really was after Tetheus. I was... after someone else. Someone whom I thought I'd never get close to. But it didn't hurt to dream, and I couldn't help but hope that someday we'd hit it. How I'd wanted to wrap my arms around her when she'd cried. But at the moment, I'd been busy with Kitchel and Rune.

I sighed, walking into Master's bar. He saw us, and immediately came over, seeing that something was wrong. He eyed the kitten disapprovingly, but kept quiet.

"What happened? You look like someone died."

I almost laughed bitterly, "Yeah, that's exactly what happened."

He looked shocked, and I wondered if it had anything to do with the expression on my face. I guessed not many people were used to seeing me in a bad mood, or bitter. But there was so much to Rath's death...

"Who...?" he offered us chairs and motioned for one of the waiters to bring wine.

"Rath."

"The fire knight?"

Kitchel nodded and took over, letting me lean my head heavily on my crossed arms on the table, "He... killed himself."

"What drove him to do that?" The master may have known most of the secrets and gossip of Dusis, but he knew nothing of Rath's pain.

"Did you know..." I began, "Did you know that he was the demon that killed all the faeries, the wild youkai that destroyed most of Dusis?"

I don't think Kitchel knew that. Master, of course, didn't. They both stared at me. I could see disbelief, fear, and from Kitchel, betrayal.

"You're kidding... but that doesn't make sense..." Kitchel muttered.

"Sure it does. According to Tetheus, he was that demon. They were sent to kill it, but... for some reason they didn't and the Lord turned him into... Rath."

"You mean he's been a demon this whole time? He could have killed us all!" Kitchel's hands shook slightly and the kitten meowed unnoticed. Master kept quiet, looking thoughtful.

"No... I don't think so. He killed _himself_ in the end, not us. He was scared of himself. He wouldn't try to use those powers... because he was scared of them," I said. It was true... I tried to hold tears back. His story was so painful... it was no wonder... with all that on his mind, it was no wonder he'd killed himself. What I wondered was why he hadn't done it before.

"Well, the Lord would know best. He must have had a reason for bringing in a demon like him into the Dragon Tribe," Master reasoned. I nodded.

"Yeah. He was a pretty strong guy. I think he was... a sharp knife in the Dragon's hands. And I think that was part of Rath's pain... I remember him... once, talking to the Lord. He got mad at him and told him that he wasn't their toy, to stop coddling him. I'm sure he was a big part of their plans... in fact, he was the Lord's successor. So Nadil said," I added as they both gasped.

"How? He wasn't related to the Dragon Lord," Master asked.

"I don't know. But Nadil said that Rath was the heir to the throne. So... now that he's gone, so is the only person who could succeed the Dragon Tribe. I don't know what this does to their plans, but I'm sure it's the least of their worries. I think the Dragon Lord was genuinely sad over Rath's death," I sighed heavily again, "We all are..."

"How... did you find out about him being a demon?" Kitchel scratched the kitten's ears distractedly.

"Ha, I asked him about it. I made him tell me. I shouldn't have... I saw how hard it was for him to accept it... but I pushed him to tell me," I cursed at myself. Why did I do that? I now knew the error I had caused by making him tell me. Maybe that was the reason that he didn't like me so much anymore. He loved Rune. More like a brother, I think, since he had Kaistern, and before that, Cesia. But he never was all that fond of me. Not like he was of the others I guessed. I recalled forcing him to tell me about it. Before I'd made him tell me, he'd like me just as much as Rune, well, not quite as much, there was just something that drew you to Rune, but at least we were still really good friends. After that... he'd dwindled farther and farther away, and I wished I hadn't made him tell me.

_"Demons again? I'm tired Rath," I glared at him. He smiled brightly. _

"But they're so fun to kill!"

"What are you talking about? It's gross, and mean, and dangerous, and requires too much effort."

"That's just cause you hate doing anything that requires effort," I jumped as I heard Rune come up behind me.

"Yeah, so? How would you rather make money, the hard way or easy way?"

"The most honorable way," he answered and I almost bristled. This guy was so conceited and goody-goody kinda guy. Jeez. Of course, at the time, I didn't know he was: a. an elf, b. a prince, or c. a loyal friend. He was just a pain in the butt.

"You're just a girly guy," I sneered good-naturedly.

"What?" he bristled, obviously insulted.

"Uh-oh. He's gonna get mad..." Rath warned me. I gulped.

"Sorry, Rune, peace?"

"Hmph. Fine," the elf turned his head away and walked off.

"So... why do you like killing demons so much?" I asked. A strange look passed by his eyes. This little kid was so strange.

"Why...? Because... they made me suffer..."

"Suffer? Did they kill your family?" I asked.

"No... they killed me... they created me..."

"Okay, now you're talking nonsense. Demons made you and killed you. Right. Then why are you alive?"

"Because... Lord Lykouleon. I'm dead. I've never been alive," the little kid muttered, pulling at his hands nervously. He looked like he was about to burst into tears.

"Whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry!" I knelt by him and hugged him. Rune came back, seeing Rath's face, and broke into a run.

"Rath! What happened?" he asked me.

"I don't know, I asked him about why he likes killing demons and then he said all this weird stuff and started to cry!"

Rune sighed and took Rath from my hands. They were both so young. Rune only looked a couple years older than Rath, and about as innocent and cute too. The little fire knight was just a little boy. No more than ten years old. I almost giggled. Rune looked like he was Rath's mother. Not cause he looked like Rath, but simply because he looked like a girl, and was hugging Rath so protectively.

"Why don't you go to sleep for a while, until you feel better," Rune suggested to the distressed boy.

"But.. but I can't! I have to go... into the garden," he pointed towards the deep garden and Rune sighed.

"Alright. Will you let me come this time?"

"No. You can't come..." Rath shook his head. I wondered what he meant.

"Alright... but be careful in there."

"You wouldn't care... not if you knew..." Rath mumbled. Rune frowned.

"Of course I would care if you got hurt. If I knew what?"

"Nothing..." Rath looked like he was about to cry again and ran off into the gardens.

"What was that about?" I asked curiously. Rune sat down and put his head in his hands.

"I don't know... he's been acting so strange ever since... he went off demon hunting by himself one day... a bit before you got here... and he was only lost for a day. He came back fine and all. Well... at least, I think. He was healthy. But he began acting weird. He used to be much friendlier and sweeter than now. He's gotten kinda distant, and he says all this strange stuff, and just bursts out crying randomly. And his passion for hunting demons... it's like it's become something personal. It used to be just for fun, and he did it cause he was good at it. But now... it's like he hunts viciously, with a vendetta."

"Revenge for what?"

"I don't know... Kaistern said he met up with a demon in the mountain, so maybe... maybe the demon hurt him emotionally. I think it was something it may have said. I don't know... but he's not been the same. I'm worried."

I tried to take it all in. I was immensely curious. Being a thief naturally made you curious about everything. Man, Rune had said that Rath was inquisitive, but I bet I could top that every one in a while. What could have happened to the kid that could have had such an impact on him? And what was this deal with the demons? I vowed to myself that I would find out, not knowing the permanent effects of what I was about to do.

OOO

"Hey, Ruwalk, what's the deal with Rath?"

"What about him?"

"Why does he like to kill demons?" I watched Ruwalk closely. I'd asked Cernozura the same question, and she had gotten so nervous she'd dropped the plate she was holding. Now as I watched Ruwalk, I saw him gulp and his hands moved to his chest.

"I don't know. I think he hates them."

"Why does he hate them?"

"Um... well, it's a long story."

"Was it because of something a demon said to him?"

Ruwalk looked at me, startled, "Well, yeah I guess..."

"Did the demon hurt him... emotionally?"

"Well... yeah, but not cause of what he did to him..."

"Then why?"

"Um, well, like I said, it's a long story," the yellow secretary excused himself, muttering something.

"Hm..." my gears were working, hard. So... this kid obviously found out something, or was said something, which had a big effect on him. I tried to think back to what he'd said. I wondered if he was talking about emotions when he said he was dead and never was alive. Maybe he wasn't talking about physical death. Created by a demon... alive because of Lykouleon... so... maybe he was created by a demon, and then he was about to be killed... and Lykouleon saved him? And then... we wouldn't care about him if we knew... knew what? What the demon had said? If we knew the truth... about him? Wow... this was some pretty heavy stuff for a little kid to know. I needed more evidence, I thought as I swung a pendant around my finger, heading to the hall to get food.

OOO

"Kaistern, what happened to Rath when he went demon hunting in some mountains and then some demon found him and told him something?"

Kaistern almost choked on his food, "Where did you find out about that?"

"Oh, here and there," I tried to act innocent. I doubted it worked cause the blue officer gave me an odd look. I needed to get lessons from Rath.

"There's some stuff there that you shouldn't know."

"What's the big issue? Is it about his past?" It was a wild guess, but it seemed to have struck its mark. Kaistern looked pained as he folded his hands and rested his chin on them.

"Rath's past is very painful for him... I don't think you should pry into it. He wouldn't like it at all."

That only made me more curious, "I don't care about what he did... or what he was. I just wanted to know," I ran off, not caring to hear the answer to that. I was starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn't _find out about Rath, but then I reminded myself about my promise and I knew I had to try. _

OOO

"Alfeegi, did Rath do something bad when he was little?"

"Yeah, a lot. He was always playing tricks on us," the secretary missed my meaning completely. I frowned.

"Now he's stopped..." I said and the secretary didn't look all that grateful to that fact.

"Was he a dragon originally?" I asked again.

Alfeegi gave me a strange look, "No. He wasn't. But that's none of your business. Go ask him yourself if you want to know about him."

"Fine, I will."

"Uh-uh, you've got studies to do right now," Alfeegi pulled me by the collar of my shirt. I gagged and tried to struggle free, but I was caught in the deadly grasp of the evil secretary.

OOO

Over the next couple years, there were several instances that clued me in, and only made sense with one answer. Some were obvious, others took a little more thinking. The dragon tribe seemed to be very over protective of Rath... and seemed to get very nervous when he went doing things by himself, or fought demons that were high up in Nadil's regiment. It didn't take long for me to figure it all out, considering that they didn't hide it very well. And once I figured it out, it all made sense. All the strange comments, all the restrictions they put on him, all of his habits, their reactions, the amulet he wore on his neck. Rath Illuser was a demon. That was what he had found out in the mountain.

How could a kid like him be a powerful, deadly vicious demon? Oh well, it didn't seem like he was all that dangerous. I mean, if he were, they would have never let him in the castle like that. And he was a knight. I did wonder what kind of demon he was. Well, it couldn't be something all that bad, or well, they would have killed him. And of course, throughout this time I'd gotten to know Rath and Rune very well. They were my best friends, and well, of course we spent a lot of time together, being sent of missions and everything all over Dusis. Of course, now all that was left was finding the proof. All I had so far was out of intuition or simply inferences. The proof was simple. All I needed was to corner him into admitting it. It was after Bierrez's first appearance that I finally got all the evidence, and my curiosity was sparked again enough for me to finally make him tell me.

OOO

"I'm so tired of lessons... I'd rather be outside than in there with Alfeegi hounding me..." Rath sprang out of the library that served as our prison room as we were taught all we needed to know to be proper dragon knights. Rath knew most of it, so he just read some books and stuff, or was assigned higher-level stuff by Alfeegi. Rune soaked it all up, paying attention like this was a pep rally or something and Alfeegi was a god or something. I didn't really pay attention. Studying had never been my main subject unless it included treasures. Plus, we'd been doing this for years_. _

Rune yawned and rubbed his eyes in that adorable fashion of his, "We have to pay attention if we want to be good dragon knights. You should pay attention Thatz, or else you'll disgrace the His Highness and everyone else who's counting on you."

"Which in my case is no one," I grinned, "I got zero pressure."

"Lucky you. I have expectations to live up... and things to fulfill..." he said somberly. Rath bounded up behind him, hugging him tightly.

"Aw c'mon Rune, don't get all mopey again. Here," he gave him a wilted flower, but this just seemed to distress the water knight further.

"I'm going back inside, I'm tired," he finally said after crushing the flower in his hands.

"What's his problem again?" I asked, but I knew the reason Rune had gotten even more troubled when Rath gave him the wilted flower was because he was trying to gain back his elfin healing powers, and his meditations still hadn't proven fruitful.

"I kept him up all night, so he's tired," Rath giggled.

"All night? What were you doing last night?"

"Secret," the fire knight giggled more. I grinned devilishly and backed him up to the wall, putting my fists on both sides of his head.

"Speaking of secrets, I hear you have one of your own."

"What do you mean?" his eyes darkened, but I didn't see the unease in them.

"You tell me. I know you have a big secret, one even Rune doesn't know about," I didn't see his hands start trembling, but I noticed his breathing speeding up and could feel his heart race as I placed my hand over his heart.

"I can't tell you! I can't!" he pleaded with me, and I was about to back up, but then I reminded myself of my oath. And there was no way that it was so bad a secret that he couldn't tell me. Being a demon wasn't all that bad of a thing. And really, it's not like he could have possibly been some sort of horrible demon who could destroy the whole world or something, he was just a little kid.

"What if I already know?" Rath's eyes widened and he gasped, his body paralyzed.

"What do you know?" he whispered and gulped.

"That you used to be a demon. Am I correct?"

His pose turned defiant, but underneath I could see the distress I had caused, "Yeah, I am. You got a problem with that? I'll kill you if you tell anyone."

I backed off immediately and then shrugged and smirked, "As you wish. I won't tell anyone... who doesn't already know. But it's not that big a deal. That means that you're evenly matched against Bierrez. And I mean, you were just a yokai, it's not like you were like that really bad one years ago that destroyed half the continent."

Rath stiffened and ran off, giving me daggers for a look.

"Ah whoops, maybe I touched a bit of a sensitive spot. Oh well, I don't see why he's all worked up. Maybe I was a bit too aggressive..." I shrugged again and headed over to the fighter's guild, stretching my pockets out to make sure they'd be able to hold all the money I was sure to make gambling. If Alfeegi didn't find me first.

OOO

The there'd been the first time I met Rune and Rath...

"Here are the quarters where you will reside. The other knights' quarters are here as well..." Alfeegi opened the door for the ex-thief, ushering him inside.

"Wow, you guys live in style!"

"It is a castle. And this is royalty. You're lucky to be here," the white secretary huffed.

"Chill, I get it. So... when do I get to meet everyone?"

"If by everyone you mean the rest of the officers, I don't know. You'll be seeing a lot of Ruwalk and me around, and the queen you've met already. The other two officers make themselves scarce around here..." Alfeegi didn't look too pleased when he said that, "Kaistern's traveling, and Tetheus keeps to himself. If by everyone you mean the other two knights, I believe Rune is with Rath. They're down in the gardens... I think."

"Sweet, well, I think I'm going to have some bonding time with Earth, and um, I'll meet the other two knights later."

"Hm, well, tomorrow your training begins, as well as your lessons in proper knighthood."

"What?"

"Good bye," he turned and walked down the hall, his quick footsteps making a steady rhythm until they disappeared.

"Aw man... oh well, I guess everything comes with a price, including luxury," I sighed and made myself comfortable in my new quarters.

OOO

I headed down to the gardens, eager to meet my new companions. Turning a corner, I almost ran into a pair of figures and backed up.

"Um, hello," I said, trying to get past them.

"Hey! Are you the new knight?" the shorter one of the two bounded up to me, taking a sharp hold of my arm.

"Uh, yeah, I'm Thatz, and I'm trying to find the other two knights," I said, trying to pry off the little kid from my arm.

"Well, you found them," the taller blonde answered, giggling.

"Are you one?" I pointed at him and he nodded.

"I'm Rune," he said, bowing slightly, and he opened his mouth t speak again but the little red haired kind interrupted him.

"And I'm Rath!"

"Wait," my mouth fell open, "You're Rath? You're the other knight? But you're just a little kid!"

"Yeah," he laughed, hugging me tighter. Rune laughed as well.

"Yeah, that's Rath. He's a little hyper at the moment, but you'll get used to him."

"Hey, what do you mean by that Rune?" Rath asked indignantly. Rune shrugged, smiling.

"Well then, um, hello," I said, and Rath turned to look at me again.

"Welcome to the dragon castle, I'm glad to have someone else to play with, Rune's boring," the little kid grinned at Rune's indignant yelp. But then his tone turned serious, "Although the dragon castle isn't all that great a place."

"Rath!" Rune pulled a cord out of nowhere, and a huge sign saying 'Rudeness: 500' fell on Rath, "Excuse him, he's been acting weird lately."

"I have a reason," Rath said darkly.

"And that would be?" I prompted, curious.

"Can't tell," he said cheerfully. I backed off, hadn't this kid been all moody and dark a second ago, and now he was al cheery again?

"You're odd," I pointed at him.

"I know. I'm way different than you. Or Rune, or anyone else in the dragon castle."

"Anyway, is there a food hall around here?"

"Yeah, let me show you the way," Rath took my hand and led me forcefully down the halls. I had no idea how much I'd grow to love him.

shouldn't years  
"Thatz? It's getting dark, let's go," Kitchel nudged me and I found that I had been half dozing as I thought. I struggled up, and saw that it was nowhere near dark. She just wanted to get home, most likely to retreat to Tetheus or something. 

She looked at me sympathetically and wrapped an arm around me and I just raised my eyebrow at her and she smiled very slightly, very sadly, "Oh Thatz, you were crying..."

I lifted my hand to touch my cheek and was surprised to find it soft and damp. So I had been crying. Crying for someone that didn't like me because I had pushed the dagger of truth further into his soul. The way he'd gotten so close to Cesia and Rune, it made me wonder if he simply got closer to people who didn't know his secret because he didn't feel like a murderer when he talked to them, because they didn't think he was one. They just had known him as Rath, and so he didn't feel self-conscious in their midst. Just another point as to how childish he was. So self-conscious, afraid of what people were thinking of him all the time. But he had a reason. A very strong, devastating reason, and I wondered how hard it must have been for him to realize when someone knew about him, that he had lost a friend. Because as it seemed, he didn't seem to think that anyone who knew of his past could possibly be his friend whole-heartedly without harboring some sort of fear. In a way it was true, though Rune and I had tried our best to dissipate that fact. But we could never help but dread the day that might come if his demon side was ever liberated again and the terrible demon was set loose to wreak havoc again. It was hard to keep your mind from thinking that in the middle of the night, at that time when the shadows took over you heart and tried to force you to feel fear, to think of death.

And must have known that feeling so well, to think that others could possibly think of that enough to obstruct their friendship with him. How many times had he lain in bed, thinking, contemplating about his life, about his death, about what he represented, the death of many, the life of the death harbinger. Did he ever think about what other people thought of his demon side as they lay awake at night? Was he haunted nightly by memories that were burnt into his eyes every time he closed his eyes, every time he blinked? Was the fear and guilt of what he had done enough to immobilize him. He'd looked like a fallen angel at my feet, the day he died. A fallen angel, pale as death, for he was dead, he was death, but he was the representative of life, of second chances, and of guilt, forgiveness, sin and creation. The angel of darkness, trying his hardest to vanquish his darkness with a light from his heart, but his heart would not unthaw, would not let go of the darkness, the cold, the fear and hatred, the betrayal. He held on, much as he tried to dispel it, much as his outward nature of goodness and light tried to break free, to release the darkness, but it never happened. He gave in to the pain, after he hid from it, he ran from it, but it caught up with him nonetheless, and choked him, swallowed him, destroyed him until he gave in... and died.

I tried to hide the shaking of my hands from Kitchel by shoving them in my pocket and swiftly striding out of the bar. I heard her footsteps behind mine, and dreaded what the next words out of her mouth would be.

"Why didn't anyone ever tell me he was a youkai?"

"Why do you think?"

"I don't know. Didn't I deserve to know that I was living amongst a blood thirsty youkai?"

I whirled upon her, feeling anger coursing through me, "Don't you get it? That's NOT what he was! I mean, he _was_ that, but they're different! Rath and that youkai are completely different people; they're just in the same body! Rath didn't even know he was a youkai until someone told him! Rath wasn't evil, and he wasn't bloodthirsty!"

"What are you talking about? Wasn't he always after killing demons? How do you know he wouldn't have come after us someday if he turned crazy or something?"

"He was after demons! He was a really caring guy inside! He would have never hurt us if he didn't have a reason! And he killed himself, not us! Get it through your head, he wasn't evil or bloodthirsty and it wasn't his fault that he was a demon in the first place!" I panted, relieved I'd gotten that out. I'd never realty fought with Kitchel like this before, I mean if we fought it was over something stupid, money, her being annoying, but never over someone, or something serious like this.

"Well, I still think I should have known about it..." she muttered, giving me a wary look. This was the first time we'd had an argument like this, and I guess she wasn't feeling charitable towards me.

"He didn't want you to know about it... he didn't want anyone to know about it, since he didn't even understand himself, and he was scared," I looked down and began walking again. I looked up momentarily into Kitchel's apologizing green eyes as I felt her fingers intertwine with mine and squeeze reassuringly. I turned my head away to hide the watering of my eyes as I remembered an instance like this...

_I put my head in my hands, trying to feign sleep as I heard Rath and Rune arguing above me. I really didn't feel like straying into their conversation and then not being able to wander out, even though I was very good at that. As their volume became unbearable I sighed and stood up, walking out of Rune's room without a word. Interestingly enough, they paid more attention to me when I did announce my departures and arrivals than when I didn't. Immediately, they stopped and stared at me. _

"What?" Rath asked, blinking his huge red eyes.

"What?" I didn't look at him as I opened the door.

"Why are you leaving?"

"Cause I don't feel like listening to you two yell at each other all day," I shrugged and closed the door behind him.

"I think he's in a bad mood," I heard Rune say. In truth, I was. I was just feeling a bit lazy, and yeah, maybe I was in a bit of bad mood, but hey, who said I had to cheerful all the time?

It was cold, and I hugged the gray cloak around my shoulders as I familiarized myself with the dark hallways of the palace, lit only with torches on this cold November afternoon, the sky visible every once in a while from some open door leading into a dark room illuminated from a window by the cloudy day. It'd only been a couple months since I'd moved into the dragon castle, and though we'd gone on one or two short missions, the time was spent in the castle. A castle in which I spent my time with a psycho demon killer, a goody-two-shoes stuck up blonde, and myself. Not that I had anything against them actually, I was just feeling a bit resentful. Life had been quite easy before I'd come here. Well, not really, thieving wasn't an easy job, and neither was living on the streets. But it'd been simpler. Find food, then sleep wherever you could. And have fun, take it easy. Life here was... more complicated. Sure, being a thief also made you a great adapter, but it'd still been hard to get used to this place. I mean, the lessons, the people. The new way of life and thinking. I'd tried to show the other two knights a little of what my easy life had been like, but Rune had firmly stood up to me, and Rath hadn't had a clue what I was talking about. He was all about demons. And sometimes, or well, all the time, Rune would glare at me simply because of the way I was and had grown up like. And Rath didn't understand me either. Alfeegi yelled at me, and so did Rune. Actually, Rune and Alfeegi pretty much were the same. I felt like no one understood me. All this time. I needed to get out of here, even for a little while, I felt trapped, suffocated by the darkness, the walls, when before I had been free to do as I wished. Maybe I simply was homesick for a place that wasn't even technically a home.

I tripped, suddenly realizing my feet were numb, as were my lips and hands. I shut my eyes, knowing it was completely useless to flail around and try to break my fall since my arms were pretty much wrapped around myself and they'd take too long to get in front of me. I wondered for a split second why I wasn't feeling a sudden burst of pain and a cold hard surface on my face, then realized I felt instead that there was something supporting me. I opened my eyes to meet a pair of red ones, blue ones not far behind.

"Um, hi. Didn't know I was being followed," I muttered.

"Hey, I just kept you from a rather painful fall and this is how you thank me?" Rath pouted and Rune stepped up, placing his hand on my cheek and then my forehead.

"Are you sick?" he asked, concern softening his voice.

I pulled away slightly, feeling a slight blush creeping up on my face at all the attention, "No, I'm good. I'm just..."

"What?" Rath prompted, leading me into the nearest room and forcing me down, though I was only too happy to comply, after brushing off a thick layer of dust and taking a place on my side. Rune sneezed, sitting down next to me also.

"Can't we go down? I'm allergic to dust... There's no dust where I come from..."

"Probably because if your family keeps their place like you keep your room, dust doesn't stand a chance with you," I said, feeling my mood lighten just being in their caring presence.

"Maybe..." Rune sneezed then smiled a bit.

"So... Thatz, what's wrong?" Rath pressed.

I shrugged, "Maybe I'm just feeling a bit homesick," I was surprised to feel both Rath and Rune shift closer to me as if trying to comfort me. Rune sneezed a couple more times in a row and sniffled a bit. He looked up at me, taking a hold of my arm and wrapping his arms around it.

"Home?" Rath asked slowly.

"Well I guess. I mean, just what my life was like before..." I felt like a little kid, complaining or something.

"Yeah... I don't know what homesickness is like, since this's been my home all- well, since I can remember," Rath said. He sighed, "But I know what it feels like to miss a time before now."

I nodded.

"Me... I miss my home too. I know what you're going through, since I'm still going through it," Rune said drowsily. He laid his head in my lap, making himself comfortable as he sneezed more. Rath and I stared at him for a second, and he turned his head as if feeling our stares.

"The dust makes me sleepy as well as making me sneeze," he explained. I smiled softly, feeling quite at home now, Rune in my lap and Rath on my other side leaning against me.

"Well, someday you won't feel as homesick," Rath said, intertwining his fingers in mine and squeezing them reassuringly as I looked into his apologetic red eyes. Sleep came easily in that position, being warmed by the other two bodies on mine, and the feeling of belonging and comfort.

OOO 

I stretched out on my bed, feeling restless, and then stood up again. I reached out to take a fruit from the basket on my bedside table, then noticed that the basket was missing.

"Oh yeah, for the kitten," I shrugged, remembering that Kitchel had brought the turtle-shell colored feline into the castle. I bit into the apple, and then took another for... just in case. I opened the door and walked out, cruising the castle in hopes of meeting someone. I felt much better after yesterday's flow of memories had passed. Rath, too innocent for his own good, I thought as I passed the fighter's guild, but I was in no mood for gambling right now. I remembered all the times Rath had tried to play with us, and either given up and snuck out of the place, or lost by a mile. As a result, he usually chose not to play. Funny to think that someone who involved himself in a sport as dangerous as demon hunting couldn't take a bit of ol' gambling.

I reached a certain door and knocked on it, "Hi, it's Thatz. I was just wondering if you wanted an apple, and maybe some company," then, hearing no response, I opened the door slowly and peeked in, and my breath caught in my throat.

The gorgeous figure on the bed rested delicately, eyes closed, body draped lightly in a small blanket. She looked absolutely beautiful to me, and I couldn't help but to step closer and lean over, until her face was mere inches away from me, where I could take it, and hold it, press her closer... her lips were slightly parted, as if awaiting, and I leaned closer still, and just brushed my lips against hers. Her body tensed, but didn't awake, and I thought I saw the slightest hint of a smile tug at her rosy lips, and her hand crept to her lips, brushing the softly before falling limp again. I smiled, touching my own lips as well and savoring the feel of hers against mine. Sleep was the only moment in which I felt brave enough to do anything to her... but unfortunately, that was the only moment she couldn't see. I placed the apple in her hand and left, shutting the door quietly.

OOO

The gray sky seemed to herald the approach of another storm, and I flicked my apple core onto my plate, waiting for Cernozura to finally serve the meal. So far I was the only one here. Tetheus had already eaten, so he said, cause I truly doubted if he even ate, Kaistern ate in his room, Rune did too, he said he wasn't feeling well, Alfeegi and Ruwalk were probably feeding each other in a secluded room where they could have some privacy and Lykouleon was in his room as well, since Raseleane didn't want him to over stress his ankle. In any case, it seemed like it was just me... and I hope that she would come as well.

As if to answer my thoughts, I heard her light footsteps, they had to be hers, no one else walked like that, and I turned, smiling widely. She blushed and smiled a bit sheepishly, looking down, and sat next to me. I saw that in her hands was the red apple I'd left, and she in turn saw the apple core on my plate.

"Did you...?" she motioned towards her apple. I nodded and her blush turned deeper.

"Yeah, sorry if I disturbed you sleep," I said, looking up as one of the maids brought the tray of food.

"Um, no, it's okay. It was nice," she shook her head slightly, wavy hair just brushing her shoulders.

"So you gonna eat or not?" I asked. She nodded and I served some food for her. "Thank you," she said quietly.

"Speak up will you?" I joked. She laughed, and I felt rewarded. We ate in silence the rest of the time, and as I finally put my fork and knife onto my plate and heaved a sigh of contentment, she giggled.

"You eat a lot," she commented.

"Is that bad?"

"No," she laughed again and I smiled.

"Wanna take a walk?" I offered my hand to her and she took it, giving a nod.

* * *

**Heeehee, got any idea who the girl is? It's probably a bit obvious. Anyway, the next chapter is hers, and it kinda completes this chapter, except from her POV. After that, I have no idea who it is. I haven't planned ahead all that. Possibly Tetheus. If you have any suggestions, or ideas, or pairings, the review button receives all those.**


	8. Delte's Dreams

**Yay for long chapters. For any of you who like Thatz/Delte, here it is. I doubt it's a common pairing, but as you can guess, I want Kitchel to be with Tetheus. And sry (again) for how long it took me to update, but you can appreciate how long all my chapters are. Anyway, thanks for all my reviewers! I love you guys! It's a really neat feeling to see people liking your stuff. well, anyway, here's this chapter.**

**Memories/.../  
dreams: ...**

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Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 8-Delte's Dreams

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I shifted into slight consciousness at the feel of something pressing into my palm. Something round and smooth. I heard a door click shut and realized it was my own. Brushing my hair out of my face, my fingers lingered subconsciously on my lips, and I wondered why, until I remembered. And I hoped. I remembered my dream. It was dark, but that was usual in all of my dreams, especially as of late. It was dark, and I felt like I was drowning in solitude and loneliness. Guilt and knowledge. Faces passed me by, feeding my guilt. The feeling of powerlessness. The face of a despairing, angry red-haired knight. And my knowledge of his death. And the fact that it had happened anyhow, despite my warnings, my wish to help. And also tugging the delicate strings of my heart was how his death grieved the one who held my heart unknowingly. The thought of him had helped calm me down, until I felt almost peaceful again. I knew it was all a dream.

But suddenly, I felt a sensation that I was fairly sure was not the figment of a dream. I... dreamt of his face leaning in, and kissing me, softly. And I remembered that as the image of his face coming into mine appeared in my mind, I felt a very real sensation of lips on mine. I wondered if it was only a dream... But it'd been such a real dream... I remembered my lips tugging into a smile as I relished the thought that maybe it had happened. Now I wasn't so sure, it was all fleeting by so fast, but... the apple in my hand tried to convince my mind otherwise. In any case, someone had been into my room, leaving this present as their parting gift, and I could only imagine who. I wished, so fervently, that it was whom I hoped it was, and that the sensation of lips on mine had been real, and by him. It had to be... I touched my lips again, felt the warmth of them and finally realized that I was blushing.

I shook my head, trying to clear my head of any fantasies and chiding myself harshly for acting like a young girl heads over heels in love... which was exactly what I was. But that did not excuse me acting likewise, gushing and fantasizing every second. I was a fortuneteller, I had to be mature. I carried great responsibilities on my shoulders. My mother had hated the fact that I had been gifted with the magic, or curse, as she and others had called it, of telling the future. But I couldn't help what I had been born with, and I'd been strong, taking the fear and scorn of my peers when I had been young and turning it into a reason to develop my powers. Though that hadn't helped me at all. Because fortune telling was not a favorable job. It was a cursed job. You saw things... that were better kept unknown. You knew things of the future, but you didn't have the power to do anything other than warn. You were just a messenger. Sometimes feared unfairly, as I was, of telling a cursed future. I didn't blame them. I had a tendency to be able to detect danger and misfortune more than blessings. So my fortunes weren't oft that reassuring. I was feared and pushed aside. I grew up alone and simply got used to it.

But it hurt, thought I tried to hide it, pushing my feelings to the back of my mind. Ignoring myself. No one could accuse me of being coldhearted. At least not to others. But to myself, it was much different. Despite my attempts to lead the life of a fortune teller, alone, there were times at night in which I would simply break down. It was like a wave. All the feelings and emotions I had thoughtfully and deliberately locked inside found a key and unlocked themselves, washing me away in their power.

The dragon castle made me feel much more at home than I had been at my real home. Yet I was still a behind-the-scenes person, simply because of my quiet withdrawn character. And so even in this kind, giving environment I was still left out and pushed aside. More because of my own doing I was sure, but I didn't know how to correct it. Being so alone hurt so much. I saw my hand begin to shake, my body trying to contain the emotions I was experiencing. So I focused on one thought, the one that brought me happiness. Him. Thatz.

Sure, it seemed to me that most thought he was inconsiderate and irresponsible, a pig in all manners and disrespectful. But his kindness reached all. He treated everyone like an equal, royalty or simple servant. And his kindness had reached me. I felt like he gave me attention, and that simply made me feel special and wanted. He gave me company just by sitting next to me at breakfast or waving at me as he passed by with the other members of the castle. And I hadn't experienced companionship in so long, I was simply drawn to him. I felt kind of silly, taking the hand of the first person who offered it, but maybe that was the way it was. He'd been the first to offer me respite from my loneliness and I was immediately and irrefutably connected to him. The problem was showing it, and wondering if he felt the same way.

He probably didn't, seeing as to how handsome he was and how easily he could find a suitable partner. And then there was Kitchel. I was sure they were already... taken. Although... I had done a reading, against the custom of never doing readings for your own personal gains of reasons, but it'd been eating at my heart for the longest time. The cards had said that she wasn't they weren't in love. But still... I had no idea if he felt the way I did.

The gray sky above seemed to reflect my depressing mood. But now I was hungry, so I headed to the dining room. Walking into the large room, I saw that the only person there was Thatz. My stomach did a slight turn, and I felt my cheeks warming with a blush.

"Did you...?" I held up my apple as I walked to him, sitting next to him.

"Yeah, sorry if I disturbed you sleep," he said, looking at me with that adorable grin. I felt my blush turn deeper.

"Um, no, it's okay. It was nice," I said lamely. So if he was the one who gave me the apple... was it too much to hope that he'd been the one who'd kissed me?

"So you gonna eat or not?" he asked, motioning towards his already full plate. I nodded and he began to serve hefty portions of food.

"Thank you," I said.

"Speak up will you?" he grinned. I laughed, finally relaxing and ate in silence, though I felt it was a comfortable silence. I finished, placing my utensils on the plate, and a couple minutes later he did the same, leaning back and sighing. For some reason, I found it funny the way he ate, and I giggled.

"You eat a lot," I commented.

"Is that bad?" he blinked adorably.

"No," I said quickly and laughed. He smiled widely.

"Wanna take a walk?" he said, standing up and offering his hand to me. I nodded, feeling slightly elated that he was inviting me to a walk.

"Well, let's go then," he grinned. He stroked his chin thoughtfully, "Well, I know that you've cruised the palace gardens who knows how many times, so let's go somewhere else. Let's see... we met you in Chantel, so you've never had a chance to see Draqueen up close and personal, right?"

"No, I mean, right," I said.

"Alright then. We're going sight seeing," he began to run, pulling my hand.

"Are we allowed to leave the castle?" I asked as we snuck out of the castle and began walking down the path that would lead us to the capital of the Dragon Lord's kingdom.

"I don't know about us, but it was only Rath and the Lord that Alfeegi yelled at for leaving," he paused in his run and looked at me squarely, "You do know Rath's big secret, right...?"

I had a feeling he was asking, but were my answer to be negative, he wouldn't fill me in. In any case, I knew.

"Yes... I know. Poor soul..." I murmured, looking down. I started as I felt his arms wrap around me, and his hands lifting my chin to meet his eyes.

"And you don't care? Do you know what demon he was?" he asked carefully.

"The... the one who killed so many of my kind..." I said softly, the memories burning deeply in myself. I felt his hand stroke my back soothingly as I felt tears prick at my eyes.

"And yet you still called him 'poor soul'. Do you not care that that was what he was?" his voice was soft, almost hopeful. I felt that he was searching hard for something, that the answer of this question was very important to him.

I shook my head, "Of course not. I don't believe it was his fault at all... it was the demon who killed my family, not him... I'd been able to feel his pain for a while, and it'd been almost overwhelming... he was hurting so badly..." I began to sob, pained my memories of my family being killed and of feeling Rath's pain and torture so clearly. His arms wrapped around me protectively, shielding me, as he whispered smooth words, and I buried myself in the folds of his clothing, taking in his warmth as I fought to keep the memories out of my head and failed.

_/I looked down from the tree I was sitting in, snapped out of my meditation by the sound of children yelling below me. The village children were playing tag, chasing each other gleefully as they yelled good-natured taunts and dodged their friends among the trees. Children my age. They're rather deep into the forest, I mused, watching them. I wasn't often that the younger faerie elves ventured this deep into the faerie forest. I was the only exception. This was where I was usually found. _

I put down my fortune-telling cards in a hole in the tree and watched. I had been exercising my telepathic and psychic powers, and then began my meditation. As I did every single day, and I would have never guessed that today was the last day I'd do this out of routine. Well, in truth the only reason I did this was because I had nothing else to do.

One of younger girls in the group tripped over the root of the tree and fell, crying. I waited to see if the other children would notice, but they were too busy playing. I bit my lip and sighed, jumping down from the high branches of the tree in front of the faerie girl.

I reached down to take the girl's hand and help her up, but she withdrew it fearfully, whimpering in fear.

"I just want to help you," I said softly, trying to hide the pain in my voice at being rejected. But I'd expected it. That's when the others finally noticed me and the girl.

"Get away from her you evil witch girl!" one of them yelled and I winced. He ran up to the girl taking her and holding her protectively as if I might lash out any second and hurt them. I bit my lip, tasting faintly the sharp taste of blood.

"I was just trying to help her up," I muttered softly taking a step back.

"Oh yeah, and then curse her or something? Tell her that she's going to die today?" "I only tell the future. It's not my fault that I can only see the bad part..."

"Yes it is stupid! You're just a witch, you shouldn't even be allowed in the village!" the others joined in, calling me names. I took a couple steps back, and cried fearfully as I saw them pick up stones from the ground.

I screamed as I felt a sharp pain in my leg and felt blood trickle down. The rock on the ground glistened with fresh blood. Tears began to run down my face as I turned and ran. But they had me surrounded, and I only ran into another one of their group. He pushed me back into the center harshly, and I fell, crying out every time I felt the rocks cut and smash into my body and a foot connected with my stomach.

"Stop, I was only trying to help! Stop!" I cried in vain. They laughed and jeered. I felt flood flow into my mouth and spit it out weakly, my body shaking from the sobs and pain. I did the only thing I could think of.

"I predict that you'll all die today!" I screamed. They were afraid of my fortunes. I was just trying to get them to run away before they killed me. It worked. They stopped immediately.

"You're lying!"

"No I'm not! I saw it in my cards, you will all die today! A terrible demon will come and eat you!" I was lying, lying as I cried and clutched my leg and blood seeped into the ground. But I didn't care, it was either lie or be beaten up by them, "Run away from here if you want to live!" I continued, drawing in a shaky breath.

They muttered among themselves for a minute, then one of them smirked, "We'll just leave you here to be eaten then."

They left glaring at me and laughing. I sobbed, falling to the ground. At length I stood, limping towards my tree and settling down in a hole inside the roots, sheltered by the strength of the tree and hidden from view.

A soft glow emitted from my hands as I tried to heal myself. I was young though, so I wasn't that good at it. The end results were bruises and half healed cuts, but at least the bleeding was gone and it didn't hurt. Blood made me nauseous.

Exhausted by everything, I curled up and fell asleep...

OoO

Screams. That was all I heard, but I couldn't see where they were coming from. Images were fleeting by. Running through the woods, green passing me by. More screams. Then crackling. And orange among the green. Heat. Figures screaming. Red among the green ground. Shadows. I stood in the middle of a battlefield. A battle between my people and a hideous demon. Dog like in form. Red eyes. Blood lust. Death. My mother, eyes open wide, unseeing, body limp. The children who'd hurt me, bodies torn and scattered. Fire. Heat. The stench of death. And then myself, hidden behind a tree. Screams.

_I woke up, shivering, panting. A dream... that had all been a dream. Invoked by the lie I'd told earlier, I was sure. I stood up, wavering a bit, and crawled out of the tree hole. I fingered the bruises on my body and tried to heal them again. Sure enough, the cuts and purple marks disappeared, and I was good as new. On the outside at least. Inside... I hurt. It hurt that they hated me so much simply because I was a dark fortuneteller. That wasn't my fault. All I'd been doing was trying to help the little girl get up. But they hated me. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to find some sort of comfort. None came. _

Looking up through the dark treetops, I saw the sky was darkening. It must be getting late, I thought, and picked up my pace. I was loath to return to my village, but maybe if I snuck in the back and into my house without anyone noticing it'd be all right.

I sniffed the air... something seemed a bit off. There was a rank smell in the air... but I couldn't place it. And was it just me, or was it getting warmer? Oh well, I paid nothing any heed, until I heard a scream. I stopped in mid-track, body tensed. Had I imagined it? I fervently hoped so...

I began to run out of the woods again, my breath quickening in fear as I heard another scream and forced off the chill that made its way down my back. A band of water lights came towards me, running away, not bothering to stop when I called frantically to them. For some reason, I hadn't thought of running away when I heard the screaming, which was getting louder and more frequent, only of finding what was wrong and trying to help. That was why I was running back to the faerie village, I was afraid, but not necessarily for myself, more for my friends... peers was a better word.

Branches and brushery passed me by, whipping my face and getting stuck in my clothing. Large tree roots hindered my way. And I confirmed for a fact that it was getting steadily warmer, I could hear crackling now, I was almost to the village. The screams were loud, right ahead, but now they were scarce, and there was a soft yellow glow coming ahead... I was beginning to falter in my step.

I froze. Red. In the green of the grass. Orange among the trees. The rank smell was strong, and the heat was getting uncomfortable. I recognized it. That had been no dream I'd had! It'd been another vision! There was a demon... destroying my people.

I fell to the ground, shaking. I was now afraid to step into the clearing where the village was. I was afraid. I followed where the crimson blood came from and saw a body. I dashed forward, looking at the beaten figure, who obviously had escaped by dragging herself across the ground. Overcoming the nausea I felt at her blood soaked body, I lifted her up and checked her pulse. She was dead. I dropped the body abruptly, getting up and leaning against a tree for support and heard another scream.

That meant there were people still alive! Maybe I could save my mother, maybe all of my vision didn't have to come true. I ran frantically ahead, bracing myself against the sight I was going to see. It was nothing like my vision. It was worse. I hadn't been prepared for this much. The smell of death, so overpowering, I clutched a tree and hid behind as I heard a growl. The fire was spreading, but thankfully, away. The growl came from a large creature. A hideous dog youkai. Blood covered its muzzle as it scraped and tore off meat from an unrecognizable carcass on the ground. I saw one of the elven warriors try to stab the youkai, blood pouring from a wound on his leg. The youkai kicked him aside, then continuing with his dismemberment of the current carcass.

I watched in horror as drop after drop of red life dripped from the creature's jaw. I think I tried to scream, but nothing came out, and I was only aware of a paralyzing wave of fear that crept slowly, chilling me, immobilizing me. There was no one left alive. There was no one... I was alone... like I'd always been... but it'd never been truer than now. It was all there, everything from my dream.

My mother's body, eyes open wide, laying on the crimson ground, flames licking at her sides. My father's head, laying as scraps of meat and bone, a bloody mass of a body somewhere to the side. And then the village children. I couldn't say 'I told you so,' and I couldn't say 'You deserve this.' Thought both could have been true. But I knew that were I to utter of even think that, a part of my soul would be blemished, and I would be stained with guilt forever. The whole sight of them was too horrible to even describe. The carcasses, devoured by the fire, released a rotten stench, and blood and masses of meat and organs sprawled on the ground. Insects, already feasting on the scarlet dinner.

Now satiated with the havoc it'd caused, and the feast it'd gained, the terrible youkai howled, one long screeching wail. I shivered convulsively and covered my ears, my stupor broken by my will to stop the sound. It paused, looking in my direction with cold, evil eyes, barren of a soul, unreflective, vicious, lusting, and sadistic. But it didn't come at me, as I feared it would, it only howled again and bounded off, ripping trees to the side and disappeared.

My body kicked back into gear, now that the danger was gone. I realized I was sweating, cold sweat that clung to my skin, my muscles quivering and trembling convulsively. I leaned to the side, breathing heavily and vomited. Then my legs felt weak and I tumbled backwards into nothingness.

OoO

Screams. That was all I heard, but I couldn't see where they were coming from. Images were fleeting by. Running through the woods, green passing me by. More screams. Then crackling. And orange among the green. Heat. Figures screaming. Red among the green ground. Shadows. I stood in the middle of a battlefield. A battle between my people and a hideous demon. Dog like in form. Red eyes. Blood lust. Death. My mother, eyes open wide, unseeing, body limp. The children who'd hurt me, bodies torn and scattered. Fire. Heat. The stench of death. And then myself, hidden behind a tree. Screams. It was my vision. But now, there was more. My father's body. Fire raging, consuming all the dead faeries. Insects, biting, feasting. A howl. A terrible, blood curdling howl. Blood. Children's bodies scattered randomly on the barren ground. The forest consumed by fire. Houses, burning. My house, only a couple beams left standing, smoldering in the heat and flames. And then everything faded and I was falling into nothing once again. I was surrounded by black, alone, faces flying by, words, voices, all fading until I was left in the cold darkness.

_And then I woke up, shivering despite the fact I was hot. I subconsciously drew the blankets around me, then stopped dead. Blanket? I was in a bed, I realized as I opened my eyes. A small fire crackled in the fireplace. Most would have called it a merry fire, but for me it only heralded death. I looked around the small cabin. It seemed cozy, but I wondered what I was doing here. Had everything only been a dream? I started at the sound of a door opening with a slow creak. _

An old man came in, beard long, eyes squinty in a wrinkled face.

"Oh, hello dearie, how are you?"

"Um, fine..." I murmured. He nodded kindly. A water light floated lightly at his side, and I got the distinct feeling that he was a faerie. I relaxed, and I guess he noticed because he chuckled.

"I'm sorry. I am Troding. You're taking refuge in my house."

"How did I get here?"

"Well..." his face darkened, "After the demon attack, the villages and cities that were left standing sent out search troops and such to try to find survivors."

I turned my face down, "My village was destroyed completely..."

He nodded, "Yes, it has been a tragic incident. It's impossible to say how many of us were killed, but it's well over a third."

I looked up in shock, "That much?"

"Yes... now more than ever every faerie counts more and more, so we're glad that you're alright," he smiled, showing an almost toothless mouth, giving me the impression he was very old. Hundreds of years old probably. I got up from the bed, walking to the window and looking outside. It looked like this city had been under fire as well.

"You got attacked as well..."

"Sadly. But not as badly, the creature only toyed around with us..."

"Where did it come from?"

"No one knows. Some of the more experienced warriors believe that it could have come as one of the freakish creations of that renkin wizard."

"Renkin wizard?" I repeated dumbly.

"He is... not in the Demon Lord's side, but not on our side. He only looks after his own goals, but often assists the Nadil's army for pay. He creates macabre beings, can revive the dead and who knows what else. Of course, those are just the legends. All you need to know is that he is an enemy of the faeries."

"Could I help?" I motioned outside.

"Of course, all help will be greatly appreciated," he smiled in approval and led me outside.

OoO

I tossed restlessly in my bed, hoping, for the love of the Elder that I would be able to fall asleep. But I knew well that that would be impossible as long as he couldn't sleep. How long had this been going on? Well, the sleeplessness for only a couple nights, but the constant pain and distress had well been going on for months. Strongest when I was around him of course, so as long as I kept a distance away I couldn't feel it enough to discomfort me. But at night, when it was obviously worse for him, it didn't matter that my room was on one side of the castle and his on the other, I felt it.

Rath Illuser's pain and distress. And lately it'd been getting worse. I planned on talking to him about it the next day, it was beginning to affect me as well. Now I couldn't sleep, and my appetite was dwindling, along with he former cheerfulness I'd had being in the warmth of the dragon castle. Headaches, nightmares, lack of sleep, depression. Just like him. His were much worse, more noticeable though.

I stood up from my bed, feeling parched, and poured myself some water from the jug I kept available on my table. The pain was residing... and with it, my insomnia. I sighed, relieved, not only for myself but for the fire knight as well. Laying in my bed, I fell asleep in an instant.

OoO

"Hey Delte," I finished tying my hair into a ponytail as I turned, finding Thatz coming in.

"Hello," I smiled at him. He waved.

"Have you seen Rath?" he asked casually.

"My guess is he's still sleeping. I've only just woken up," I said, sighing heavily.

"Only? You're as bad as Rath," he said, then looked at me closely, "You feeling alright?"

I backed away slightly, "No, I'm fine, I just couldn't sleep..." I said, trying to make it sound as trivial as possible. He gave me a long look then shook his head.

"Well, alright..." he said dubiously, brushing a strand of hair from my face. I blushed slightly. Then he straightened and turned around, lifting his hand in a goodbye wave, "I'm gonna go wake up Rath, he's been sleeping too much lately."

"Ah... wait," I said, then covered my mouth. He turned around, looking at me expectantly.

"What?"

"Ah, nothing..." I said, turning around, "See you..."

OoO

I sighed, and began walking forward, making my way to the figure on the bench. I sat down next to him as casually as possible. "Hello Rath," I smiled a bit. "Hey..." he replied after a moment. I paused. I was never one for vagueness and indirect approaches. "What do you want?" and obviously, neither was he.

"You're in a lot of pain..." I said quietly. He started, looking at me warily.

"How would you know?"

"Because I can feel it," I replied. Even if he was getting evasive, I stayed blunt.

"Yeah and?" he muttered.

"I want to know if I can help you..." I said. He looked at me for a moment, measuring me.

"You don't know then. If you did, you wouldn't want to help me. After all I did?" he scoffed.

"I know. About you," his eyes widened, but luckily he still remained in place, "But I don't care. The only one I have to blame is the one-winged angel, and the renkin wizard."

"Kharl the Alchemist..." he muttered, and I looked up.

"What?"

"He has a lot of names..."

"You mean, the one-winged angel and the renkin wizard are both Kharl?" I asked numbly, "He's the one that decimated all the faeries?"

Rath nodded as if it was obvious, "But I was the one who did it."

"It wasn't your fault," I said.

"You feel very different than you speak," he said coldly.

"No. I can feel your pain. It's not your fault, you don't have to feel the guilt and regret that you do," I pleaded.

"Yes I do! Don't you see it? It's all MY fault. And even if it wasn't, I was the one who did it! How do you think I could live with myself?" he exploded, then stared at me, covering his mouth. Then the fire knight growled and glared at the ground, teeth bared.

"If you can feel my pain then you should know that no one can erase it."

With those words he turned and stalked back into the castle, leaving me clutching my chest, reeling with the sensation of his disturbing emotions.

I looked up at the bounding of footsteps, both Thatz and Rune were running over, their puzzlement clear in their faces.

"Delte? You alright?" the green haired knight held me up gently, stroking my hair in an attempt to calm me down. Which to my surprise, it did. The water knight stood looking after the door Rath's retreating figure had fled through.

"What happened?" he asked softly.

"I don't know. I just know that he was in pain, and I tried to help him, but he just pushed me away," I said, lingering a moment longer than necessary against Thatz before pushing myself up to stand again.

"Pain? But he's not hurt..." Thatz muttered.

"Emotional pain..." Rune corrected, voice still soft, as if by his gentleness he could soothe everything. But wonderful as the prince of faeries was, I doubted that we could do anything.

"What's it about?"

"I... I think he's very guilty. Of his past... But I don't think any of us can do anything about it. It's too deep inside to reach... But nothing was his fault, it was all Kharl..." I murmured.

"Yes... he single handedly destroyed all our kind," the elf's voice slipped out of his mouth, cold and hard.

"Kharl?"

Rune nodded at Thatz, his gaze icy and distant. But as he turned around his eyes softened into the gentle and soothing blue that we knew.

"And he's such a loner sometimes, he's not going to open up to anyone..." Thatz scratched his head, frustrated. He looked at me and continued in a cheerful voice, "Well, we're going to go chase after him and beat some words out of his closed mouth. Toodles," he raised his hand and then dragged a scowling, complaining Rune behind him.

OoO

After that day, Rath shut out his pain, and I wasn't able to feel it anymore, except for at night, when it was strong as ever. And so I was forced to adopt the fire knight's sleeping schedule. Sleep only came at the earliest hours of morning, and ended mid afternoon. Thought few noticed, as they were busy with the knight. I could feel his energy slipping slowly, his aura diminishing. But I didn't ever expect death. It was an emotional sickness. But there was nothing I could do about it. Every time I came near the knight, he would shy away and leave the room. I was at a loss.

I rolled over, trying to take a nap to make up for the lack of sleep at night. The door was knocked, making me raise my head.

"Delte?"

"Yes?"

The door opened and Thatz head poked in. I sighed in relief, and not a bit of flatter that he was coming in.

"Taking a nap?" he smiled slyly. I nodded shyly. He looked at me, "You've been almost as bad as Rath. How much sleep do you need?" he asked playfully exasperated.

"We may go to sleep at the same times as the rest of you, but neither he, and hence, I, actually fall asleep until much later. That's why we wake up so late."

"So we got a pair of insomniacs. Hey wait, how do you know Rath can't go to sleep?"

"Because that's why I can't go to sleep," I answered.

"So... you can't go to sleep until he does. How do you know when he's asleep or awake though?"

"I can feel him... it's probably because of my fortune telling abilities," I smiled grimly.

"Oh... well..." he was at a loss of words. He ran his hand through his hair, "Well I hope he gets his senses back. I hadn't realized it was that bad... I mean, sure he's been acting funny, but he won't talk to Rune or me. He pisses me of sometimes."

I laughed slightly despite myself. There was no anger in his voice when he said that, just mild exasperation. And worry. He turned and looked at me.

"You gonna be okay though?" I felt a blush tinge my cheeks at his worried tone and intent gaze.

"Yeah," I murmured.

"Well, if you need anything you can tell me," he said, making to leave the room.

"Wait!" he stopped and looked at me, and I blushed, "What did you come in here for in the first place?"

He smiled teasingly, one of his trademark grins, "Just for some company. But I'll let you sleep now."

"Oh... thanks," Why-oh-why wouldn't this blush leave my face when he was around? Although, had it been just me, or had he used that smile to cover the scarlet tinge I saw on his face? I smiled contentedly and settled back on the covers. Sleep would come much easier now./

_  
_  
I was roused from my slumber to find that I was comfortably sleeping in Thatz arms, as he leaned against an old oak tree, stroking my face gently. I looked up into his hazel eyes.

"You passed out. But only for about ten minutes," he said, but didn't remove his arms from around me. I sighed contentedly and leaned into him, not feeling shy about it for some reason.

"Sorry..."

"You must have been having some nasty dreams," he said slowly. I nodded against his chest, feeling it rise and fall with his breathing, his strong arms supporting me. I hadn't been held like this in so long I'd forgotten how good it felt. He looked at me, "About the youkai who killed most of your people?"

I nodded again, turning my gaze down a bit.

"Do you still not blame Rath?" the question startled me. I looked at him, but his gaze was looking distantly into the sky.

"I don't blame him. I only blame the one winged angel. I told you that before," I said. My answer seemed to startle him. He looked at me, surprised, then smiled widely. I wondered why he found it so important for me not to blame Rath...

"You still want to go to Draqueen?" he asked, helping me get up then dusted himself off.

"Sure," I answered, feeling shy again now that I was out of his warm embrace. But he wrapped one arm around my waist, giving me a glance for permission. I blushed again but nodded and he smiled, intertwining his fingers in mine.

"Now we're going to have one helluva good time, cause I know all the hottest places in Draqueen. And I think I need to get nicely trashed again," his former cheerfulness was back.

"Trashed?"

"Drunk," he explained.

"Why do we need to do that?"

"Cause the best way to get your feelings out is while you're drunk. Cause then you don't care what the heck you're saying, you just do," he grinned mischievously.

"Oh..." I wasn't sure if I liked that idea... I didn't really want to tell my whole life story to anyone, and I'd never gotten drunk before.

"Don't worry, it's not like I'm going to force you to drink, and we're not going to get horribly drunk, just moderately. It's not that bad," he grinned again, and I couldn't help but agree with this gorgeous god of drink and merriment. And I was sick of being so depressing.

"Whoops, we better hurry, it's beginning to rain," Thatz let go of me and ran ahead, taunting me to catch up. I picked up my dress and ran after him, laughing happily at the sweet sensation of raindrops on my face and running after the keeper of my heart.

OoO

Something brought me back into consciousness, and for a moment I wondered where I was as I opened one slim eye and shut it back. Willing the annoying throb in my head to slow, I looked again and bit my lip as I realized I was in Thatz's room. And I was on a bed, in Thatz's room, which meant I was on his bed. And if I was on his bed, there was a good chance that so was he. Indeed, as I looked to my side, I saw his sleeping figure, resting face down next to me, one arm draped across my waist, head nuzzled against my neck. His shirt lay on the floor, but to my relief, that was the only article of clothing. Although my dress was very messed up it was still on... partly, but still on. For a moment there I'd been completely freaked out. But now that I was assured nothing had happened I relaxed again, breathing in his warm scent and turning to my side so I faced him. I bit back a laugh as I noticed the slight drool slipping gout of his open mouth and wiped it away. With his pillow of course.

How had I gotten here in the first place? Oh yes... we'd gotten drunk. I knew that much because I was fighting to keep whatever was in my stomach in. I racked my brain, trying to figure out how exactly last night had gone. That sounded so suggestive... but I didn't care. It'd all felt so good and right, that I didn't care if it had gone farther. In any case, I relished the memories of the night before like a treasure.

/_I tried to catch my breath, leaning against the doorpost of an inn. The rain had been brief, giving our clothes enough time to dry, and us enough time to finish out tour. Thatz gestured widely to the building. _

"Welcome to our last spot of the night, Master's inn," he said, ushering me inside.

"Sooo, who's master?" I asked, looking around the place. It was dark, lit only by candlelight, but well-kept.

"Well, he's Master. Kinda my father here in these places as I grew up. Here he comes now, show him the respect he deserves," Thatz winked at me.

"Hello Thatz. If you and Kitchel think you can wheedle free food from me then you're badly – Oh. That's not Kitchel," the old man stopped and looked at me.

"Hey old man."

"That's master to you," the bartender chided Thatz's impudent statement. He turned back to me, "So who is this? Haven't seen her around before."

"This is Delte, a faerie fortuneteller. I've been showing her the sights around Draqueen," Thatz kissed my cheek chastely. I blushed as I saw Master raise an eyebrow curiously.

"Finally found a girl, eh? And faerie too," he laughed, "Watch out for him, he eats like a pig. And he's got horrible manners and has an obsession with treasure and money that could take him to the ends of the world. And what's worse, he gambles. And you should see him when he was little, he was as bad as he is now, in fact –"

"Master, could you please just get us some beers?" Thatz sweatdropped, cutting off whatever amusing story the man had to say. I raised my eyebrow at him and he just smiled.

"Sure, whatever you say. If he tries anything, just call for help," the bartender winked at me.

"Master!" Thatz whined.

"Just kidding," the man held up his hands defensively and left. Soon afterwards a young girl came by, dropping two bottles of beer in front of us. I sniffed at it experimentally.

"It won't bite, just give you one hell of a hangover if you drink too much of it," He took a long sip, "See, it's not that bad."

I smiled and took a sip, then grimaced, "I don't like it..." I paused and took another sip, "But it's addicting."

"Yup," he took another one.

The rest of the night went like that much of the way, random comments as we sipped our drinks. And once those were done, we got another glass. And another, and another, until I felt like I was about to pass out. Thatz was still going strong.

"C'mon, that's only your fourth glass, I can do ten at least," he bragged, but I could see the pinkish tinge to his cheeks. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me closer, kissing my forehead lightly.

"Maybe we should go home?" I suggested, giggling slightly. I felt giddy, which was an unusual feeling for me. I leaned into him, stroking his face.

"Go home?" he looked at me thoughtfully, "Sure, after another drink."

"Fine..." I muttered, drinking the last sip of my glass before it was refilled, again. He took another large sip and leaned back, arm still around me. I looked up at him, feeling like a child clinging to her savior, "I've always been alone... ever since I was young. All because I was a fotuneteller, but with you, I don't care anymore, and I'm finally happy," I whispered, snuggling deeper into his hold. He smiled lovingly. Then he sighed, looking away.

"I'm sad that Rath died... I don't think he deserved it..." his somber mood surprised me, but then I realized that really, this had been what he'd been like for a while now, but hadn't shown it.

I looked at him then sighed and leaned into his arms, "I don't think so either. He was in a lot of pain... maybe it was for the best that he was relieved from it."

"But... but why couldn't we help him? Why'd it have to be like that?" Thatz said bitterly, burrowing his face in my hair. I turned around and hugged him, letting him fall against me. I didn't respond, since I had nothing to respond in the first place.

"And it's hard on Rune too. And everything's been so different without him. I mean, sure he wasn't the most sociable of people, and he caused a lot of trouble, but we all loved him. I don't think he ever saw that," I felt his body trembling slightly, but he didn't cry like I thought he would.

"I think he knew that the whole time. It just wasn't enough to stop him. He's in a better place now anyway, maybe you should be happy for him that his pain is over," I tried to comfort him, holding him close. He sighed heavily and looked up, getting himself together.

"Yeah... I guess you're right. Let's go home now..." he helped me up, and I realized just how drunk I was by the fact that I could barely walk straight. He though, wasn't nearly as bad as I was, so he was able to guide me back to the castle.

The night was dark, the clouds covering the light of them moon and stars. I just felt contented to have Thatz next to me... guiding me out of the dark solitude I'd had to live with before...

Once inside the castle, he steered me to his room and closed the door behind us.

"Why in here?" I asked drowsily, tired from the walk home and too drunk to stand up straight anymore. I fell back onto his bed, watching him lazily.

"Cause I'm sick of spending the night alone, and you're gorgeously beautiful," he answered, pining me down and tilting his head so that it was only inches from mine. I blushed at the complement, feeling giddy again with his touch.

He gazed at me intently and bent his head forward, capturing my lips firmly but gently. I gave a little gasp, opening my mouth slightly and his tongue brushed in slowly, making it feel so natural that I did the same, letting my mind flow blank except with the though of him. His hands cupped around my face, he pressed closer, and I let my hands slide under his shirt, feeling a sort of bliss that made all of our moves harmonize in a mysterious way in which nothing we possibly did was wrong or intrusive. It felt so right to share myself with him I thought nothing of when he pushed me farther into the bed and laid on me.

"You were the one who kissed me in my sleep!" I said suddenly. He grinned wickedly.

"The one and only."

"Hm..." I smiled sweetly at him.

"I love you," he said softly, looking at me and caressing my face.

"I'm so glad... you have no idea how alone I'd been until you came," I murmured into his ears and kissed him again. I let my mouth plead to him that I wanted him nearer and so he took me firmly, pressing our bodies together. I curled up against him, feeling safe and comforted in his grasp, warmth all around me as he drew the blankets over both of us. /

* * *

**I hope you liked. If it was a bit odd, it's because I really had no idea what to write. And I'm sry for any spelling/grammar mistakes, as you know, I type fast and in a hurry. So yeah... but I'd like to know it you find any mistakes where they are so I can fix them. Anyway, good night, have a good summer. And etc... tata. Next chapter'll be either Raseleane or Tetheus. Rune'll be one of the last ones cause he's going to have something big to do when Rath comes back to life. Hehehe.**


	9. Tetheus' Recollections

This chapter I'd like to dedicate to my faithful and very flattering reviewer- Aquajogger! Thank you so much for the past reviews; it's so flattering, but I think you praise me too much, it's not that good :blush: Thanks a lot, I'm glad you liked the Delte thing. And thanks for reviewing ALL of my dragon knights fics! Glad you liked the Gil fic as well.

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**_Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 9-Tetheus' Recollections_**

* * *

I patrolled about the palace grounds, keeping a stern eye on the dragon fighters and guards as they did their daily training. But inside, I was spacing off. My mind wasn't anywhere near how many guards were guarding the castle right now, how many were injured, what would happen if a youkai attack occurred in the next weeks, how to increase the safety of all the loved ones in the castle. For a couple days now it hadn't been on that at all. For I had lost one that I held close. 

Contrary to what most thought of me, I wasn't cold hearted. I was simply... expressionless. My face just didn't shape to any expressions. Never had, so I'd never really tried. Hence the stony face that everyone had always commented upon. And deathly quiet. I was the silent type, and I only talked when necessary. Or when I wanted to. Unlike Alfeegi... I let a small smirk play onto my lips. Anything to help me get my mind off him. Not again... why again? Wasn't it enough that I had lost all my family? And now I'd lost the person I'd come to regard of as a son...

First my parents, then my siblings, now... my son.

_"Hey, Sarea, Torea, let's go," I stood up, glaring at my younger siblings. _

"Already?" Sarea flashed her sweet smile, begging me to let them stay longer. She tugged at a long blonde bang, a habit she'd grown into when her hands were unoccupied. And when she was thinking hard. Right now, it was most likely a way to get me tot let them stay longer.

"Please? Tethy..." Torea pouted as well, plopping down on the ground, refusing to stand up.

"You two are beings brats today. We hafta go, mom and dad told us to get back before sunset. It takes ten minutes to walk home, and by that time the sun'll be setting. We gotta go now or else we'll get in trouble."

I ruffle Torea's short brown hair. They weren't identical twins, in looks at least. But sometimes they could act so alike, I wondered if they could read each other's mind. Whoops, I forgot, they could. That was their youkai power. Telepathy. At least with each other. Cause our mom was a telepathic youkai. I didn't really didn't have much of a special power. I had extra strength, coming from my father. He was a youkai as well, and we lived inside the forest. It was our territory.

A little girl ran up to us, "Aw, you guys, are you leaving already?" I nodded and let the twins bid goodbye to her. I waved and we kept on walking.

"Sarea wants to know why the humans don't have powers," Torea said. Sarea glared at Torea and he eeped. Telepathic threat. Happened all the time.

"Cause they're humans, and they're I don't know, weak. They simply don't have powers."

"But, then how do they defend themselves and stuff?"

"With machines and weapons."

"...But weapons break."

I shrugged, "Humans are strange. But remember, don't ever ask something like this to a human," I warned them again.

"We know..."

I sighed. The only reason we could play around in the nearby town was the we looked human enough to be accepted as humans. I hated humans though. They were so unjust. I'd heard them talking on more than one occasion about youkai. How cruel they were, how murderous they were. But, like humans, all demons were different. There were selfish ones, there were kind ones, there were cruel ones, there were sadistic ones. Lord Nadil employed the use of the strong youkai, but some of them weren't selfish, some were smart and kind, and others were strong. The one who weren't in Nadil's army lived around it, serving it. We served Nadil's army. That was all I knew, but I'd never seen the army, or gone to it. I just knew that were Nadil to ask me something, I was supposed to listen. Mother didn't like that at all and told us it was wrong and Nadil was actually a bad youkai. I shrugged to myself, it was none of my business.

One time though, I heard the humans talking about how it was possible for the more human-like (they compared us to them!) youkai could raise children. But it was true. I couldn't understand what was so odd about it. They thought that youkai were all so evil they couldn't have and love children. Youkai had hearts. Just some less than others. All creatures had offspring. The less developed demons simply gave birth or laid eggs, the watched over the young youkai until it was time for them to leave. The more advanced ones, 'human-like', took care of their children just like humans did. They gave them food, shelter and protection. Sure, they weren't as loving as humans, or did all those stupid silly things humans did, giving them 'toys' and pampering them and making them weak, because that wasn't the way it was. We didn't mid of course, because we were demons. All we needed to survive was what our parents gave us. And we knew they cared for us, that was enough.

Mother gave us food and comfort and took care of us when we were sick. Father protected our territory from other youkai and trained us. We were happy. Humans simply made everything so complicated, and for what? Half of what they did was useless.

I stopped. Something... didn't feel right. There was a strange smell in the air. I let go of the twins' hands and ushered them behind some trees.

"What?" Torea glared at me as I stepped on his foot in the rush. I ignored him and shushed them.

The scent! Human scent... and three of us broke into a run, not caring if we were in danger as well now.

Cold sweat broke over me, and as we reached the house we froze. It was instinct. Death. There was someone dead. We stepped warily over. Our parents... or the humans?

There were three of them. Five humans, standing in a ring around our parents. Our dead parents. Many of them bore injuries and were leaning on others, two others laid on the ground, dead. The leader, sword dripping blood slowly, caught sight of us and yelled.

We turned and ran, as fast and far as we could. Now we had no homes and were still very young in youkai terms. I knew that now we had to survive on our own, someplace far away from here.

OoO

It was a couple years later. We were happily living in the outskirts of a small calm town where we'd found the occupants to be civil and understanding. And unquestioning. They believed our story. We were orphaned and now were trying to make a living someplace far away. They believed our story because we didn't tell them we were youkai.

"Hurry up," I told Torea as he brought the pail of water over from the creek.

"Easy to say, all you have is firewood."

"Which is lighter, but harder to carry," and I'd grown into the responsible older sibling. I hadn't changed that much except I was sterner and more responsible. More sensible and less playful. Sarea and Torea understood, something I'd been afraid that they wouldn't.

We walked into the cabin to find Sarea already had gathered the herbs and meat for dinner and dropped our loads in their respective places.

Dinner was eaten relatively quiet, only the twin's general rambling about their day in the town and such. I was quiet, as usual, getting up as I finished my meal and washing the plate carefully. Then I sat down on the couch and began fiddling with a small wooden stick I'd been carving out the past couple days.

The knife I held slipped on the smooth surface and I stared at the sudden appearance of red droplets. I sighed and stood to begin bandaging the cut. Mother would have kissed it and put some sweet smelling lotion on it and then bandaged it.

"Hey Sarea..."

"Yeah?" she looked up from the dolls I'd made for her when she'd said she was lonely during the day when Torea and I went out to work or hunt.

"Will you sing the song?"

"Which one?"

"The one mother sang when we were sick or hurt," she knew which one. Requests like these were common, especially from me. Sarea did have a lovely voice, and her blond curls over her tanned face and rosy cheeks gave her a doll-like appearance. A singing doll. I let a few tears fall from my face, I was only a kid after all, I had the right to cry once in a while. Still, I turned my face away as I saw Torea look over. If they saw me crying, they would cry and feel lonely and it'd only show I was weak and couldn't take care of them. I stopped crying abruptly and inconspicuously dried my face before going back to carve my wooden object. I was going to make a boat for Torea.

Hours later, I stretched and looked to find the twins were getting tired, and I was too.

"Time for bed, now," I stood and took their arms, dragging their giggling forms across the floor to the bed. I picked them up one at a time and threw them on, as I always did, and then hid under the covers, giggling and crawling around. I jumped on them, lifting the covers and we played likewise for a couple more minutes until all three of us were breathless, my arms around my little brother and sister, looking up at the dark ceiling.

"Good night Tetheus, Sarea."

"Good night Torea, good night Tethy."

"Night, both of you."

OoO

"Hi Tetheus!'

I looked away from the guards in training and settled my sight on the small boy in front of me. Fire dozed lazily on the banister, card reading 'ZZZZ'ing, don't disturb', Crewger doing likewise.

"What do you want?" I asked carefully, knowing the answer.

"If you could play!" Rath asked gleefully. I raised my eyebrow. Sure, he didn't know any of us yet as he'd only been... 'born' a couple weeks, but I was sure he could see I was busy with the guards' training...

"I'm busy," I said briskly and turned away from him.

"Aw, c'mon, I'm so boooored... Fire and Crewger are ignoring me again..." I almost smiled at his wistful tone. So much like Torea's... I didn't know how to play with young children, since I wasn't one anymore, and my father had never 'played' with us. He trained us, taught us how to fight. I suddenly had an idea.

"Hm... maybe..." I said, stroking my chin, taunting him. Contrary to popular belief, I did have a sense of humor. It was just rarely shown, and usually sarcastic.

"Pleeeease!" he begged me. I drew my sword.

"Can you hold this?" I handed him the sword and he took it. I shifted his finger positions and he teetered a bit but held on to the sword firmly. He then tried to swing at me, completely losing balance and falling face first. I dove and caught his body with one hand and the sword with the other. Red splattered from my hand unheeded as I set him up straight instead.

"I'm sorry!" he squealed. I smiled very faintly.

"It's a large sword. And you barely have balance for yourself, much less a sword like this... But I think with some practice you'll be able to do well. Come," I turned and walked to the guards, hearing his light tappity- tap footsteps following me. Opening the door to the weapon shed, I scanned the room quickly for something just for him...

"Hey, this sword's cool!"

My red eyes whirled to the side to catch sight of the small dragon boy as he held up a sword as long as he was tall.

"Don't–" I paused. A soft glow was being emitted from the white sword. Straightening, I walked around Rath, scrutinizing him.

"What?"

"Hm..."

Louder this time, "What?"

"Maybe..."

"Tetheus..." the small impatient whine made me chuckle.

"I think the sword fits you," he was balanced, grip looked comfortable, the sword wasn't all that heavy despite its length... and it amused me to no end to see him with a sword so large.

"Really?" Rath looked at me excitedly.

"Yes. In fact, let's go try it out."

"Yay!" the fire knight all but ran over the door as he sped back into the light of outside. I followed and we cleared a small area besides the guard's training arena. Glaring at the guards to continue their work, I stood behind Rath.

"Alright, hands set like this," I demonstrated with my own sword, "Feet set apart so that you maintain your balance. Arms stretched out at a comfortable... look at your target slightly to the side. That way you can get a good running start..."

Rath bit his tongue lightly in concentration and once set looked up to me with eyes full of respect and idolization. I blinked, unused to seeing a look like that since Torea... I would have never thought that having a young kid around would remind me so much of my siblings... Did he remind me so much of my own because he was demon as well?

"Tetheus..." a small pout and impatient stare brought my attention back.

"I want you to swing forward."

"Okay," Rath leaned back, sword high above his head, and swung forward with all his little might, striking the ground and creating a slash in the ground Cernozura would have my head for. Well, it was too much to ask him to aim for the wooden target in front of him so soon...

"WOW!"

"That was powerful, balance and position are good, but you have to learn control," Yeah right. We were talking about Rath here, "You don't want to swing down with all your strength like that. You want to measure it and use only what's necessary so that you can control your swing. See how it veered left of your balance point?"

"Ok."

"Pay attention," I bent forward slightly and swung down, aimed perfectly for the center of the wooden target. I made a large gap in the ground as well though... that's why I always trained over stone...

"WOW! That's even better!"

"Try again," I said, watching him carefully, "Take a step forward for momentum if you need," Rath nodded and poised himself, looking at me for a split second, as if for confirmation, before he took a firmer grip on the handle and lifted the sword back high and crashing it down dead in the center of the gap I had made, widening it by at least a couple feet.

Silence rang out amidst Rath's amused giggles, as even the guards had stopped to look at the fire knight. I closed my mouth and strode forward to hide my gaping stare.

"What happened to controlling your strength?" I finally said.

"Whoops," he grinned sheepishly. I shook my head. I was sure that he wasn't using his full potential. This was all just a game to him. It was clear in his playful attitude. And if he was this powerful simply playing a game, what could he do if he was serious? Not even most of the guards had such strength, and Rath was merely a couple years old. Barely past the toddler. Stage. In fact, this certain seven-year old could probably take Tetheus on in a couple years and win.

"From now on, you'll be taking swordsmanship and fighting lessons from me," I paused, "And Kaistern, if he agrees to it," I added. As a precaution. He would be too much of a handful for just me.

"YAY!"

"This means no goofing off."

Rath blinked innocently, "I only goof off in my studies because they're so boring. This is fun," the logic of Children, explained.

"Now that you've learned a vertical strike, I'll teach you to swing horizontally, then diagonally, then a twisting stab, then some basic fighting moves; punches, blocking, kicks, all to be used in combination or separation of your sword. Got all that?"

"I think so. That's a lot to learn... will we be done today?" All the people present, including me, sweatdropped.

"No. This could take years. It depends how fast you learn it."

"Oh..." he cocked his head, as if not sure if he should be complaining about that or happy.

OoO

"We're done for today," I called out to Rath as he swung at imaginary targets, laughing the whole time.

"One more?" he paused, pleading.

"One more," I agreed. He swung a couple more times, until apparently, his imaginary foe died.

"What were you fighting?" I asked as we walked in.

"Demons! Isn't that the point to fighting, to kill demons?" he answered as if it was the most logical thing in the world.

"Yes, but... you want to kill demons?" I asked, looking at him. What was the point in asking him that? The boy knew nothing of his dark past, and I doubted anyone would tell him. Possibly Lykouleon, but definitely not until he was grown up. A truth like that would shatter his world as well as his mind, and how were we supposed to react towards him once we knew he knew? I shuddered just imagining what would happen the day he found out. Our world would be turned upside down.

"Of course! That sounds like so much fun. And demons are evil!" he said cheerfully. But as I watched him, he paused, looking thoughtful and concentrated, an odd expression on his face. He looked at me, and I knew I was looking at Rath's odd personality switch, that strange phenomenon in which he would abruptly switch from being a cheerful naïve kid into a disturbingly mature and perceptive, aware and discerning. He looked at me, as if searching for something within himself and trying to relay it to me, "I feel... like I'm... supposed to kill demons. Like they caused me... pain somehow... and I'm just meant to kill them."

"Murder is nothing proper for a young mind like yours," I said.

"Do you really consider it murder when it's a demon?" I almost stopped to look at him, rebuking him for his alarmingly insightful words. He was right though. They were just demons, it didn't matter. The reason I didn't want him hunting demons wasn't because it was murder, or improper for him, it was because he was a demon as well. He gazed at me, waiting for an answer.

"No," I said finally, candidly.

"Would you consider it murder if someone killed me?"

This time I did stop, and looked at him wonderingly. He gazed evenly back at me, not flinching at my stern look.

"Of course we would. But don't trouble yourself about things like that," Rath just looked at me, as if he was doubting something, as if he knew something. I hesitated, looking for a distraction of any kind. And distraction's middle name, as I had always known, was Ruwalk or Kaistern. The later one proved truthful today.

"Rath! Time for dinner, come wash your hands!" the blue officer called, marching up to the youngster and dragging the giggling form off.

I couldn't help thinking about his words. What had possessed him to ask whether we would consider it murder if he was killed? As if to see what my response would be? As if he knew that he was a youkai, and that being so, I would be contradicting myself by my responses. I was bewildered. Sometimes I doubted if he was as innocent as he acted. Or as unknowing. But there was no way he knew about his blood... My puzzlement over his words didn't lessen any as I walked back to the guards that night.

OoO

I looked up briefly from my book, continuing the flow of words, as I checked on Rath. Bored out of his mind, he'd asked me to read to him the book I was reading at the moment, and I had agreed. The candlelight provided just enough light to illuminate the pages properly without blinding me. I had never been one for bright lights, although sunlight was tolerated. I kept on reading.

"'I had no one left, my family was all gone. I was alone,'–"

"I have family," Rath said happily, "I have you and Kaistern and Alfeegi and Ruwalk and Raseleane and Lykouleon and Fire and Crewger and Cernozura!" he paused, "Do you have a family?"

I sighed, "Yes, I used to."

"What happened to them?" he asked curiously, setting his chin on his cupped hands.

"They died."

"How?"

I glared at him lightly, but I saw no spite, no want to hurt. Just pure curiosity. Maybe he simply didn't imagine that it would hurt to remember. So I dissolved my glare and instead looked up at the dark ceiling and began.

"After our parents died, my brother and sister and I lived in a small town. And then some demons attacked, decimated the whole place. In the skirmish, we got separated. I was never able to find their bodies," I admitted, "So I guess they were either eaten by the demons, or maybe the survived and were picked up by someone, as I was."

I hadn't realized my voice had lowered to a soft whisper, and was surprised to feel the hurt in it. Slowly, sitting up, I lifted the cuff of my sleeve, revealing a very pale small patch of paler skin, "It's a scar. Faded now, from the hundreds of years I've lived as a dragon," And demon, I mentally added.

"Do you miss them?" the fire knight asked sympathetically. I didn't speak for a moment. Truthfully, I had denied it all for so long, shoved it into the furthest corner of my mind. I knew I could deal with it now, but it'd been so long since I'd thought about it.

"I do. A lot," I finally admitted. I wasn't going to cry, I hadn't done that in centuries, but I did allow myself to lean forward, pressing the crimson knight to me. I knew he was surprised, and maybe a bit uncomfortable, by the way he tensed when I hugged him, but I only pressed him closer, burying my face in his soft hair. And I felt him relax and wrap his small arms around me as best as he could.

"Don't cry..."

I smiled at his plead.

"You remind me a lot of them."

"I'm sorry," he said quietly and I sat up, looking at him softly, my face unused to such an expression.

"Don't be. It's good for me to feel things every once in a while instead of being wrapped up in everything except myself."

Rath sat himself in my lap, snuggling in my jacket, "What were your siblings like?"

I smiled down at him, "Well," I began, thinking hard, "Sarea had the most beautiful voice and Torea was mischievous..."

  
"Tetheus!" I whirled around, hearing my name being called. I was confused for a moment, because even though I knew the voice, it was lacking its usual cheerfulness, and at that, I frowned, but it didn't last long as I saw her bounding down the courtyard steps. It was Kitchel, carrying something in her arms. 

"Kitchel," I acknowledged with a small smile.

"Hi..." she wrapped one arm around mine and with the other held up her cargo, "Look, it's a kitten. I found it when Thatz and I went to Draqueen."

"Cute," I scratched the small furball's ear, and it purred loudly, leaning into my touch.

"Why... why didn't you tell me th–" Kitchel began, then stopped abruptly, "Never mind. Is it alright if I walk with you?"

"I'm only doing my routinely rounds..." I said. There was something off with her... like the current perkiness in her voice was being forced. I didn't push it though, knowing she'd tell me eventually.

"I don't care, you know I love you," her alluringly sensual voice told me.

"I know..." she'd told me a while ago. And while I enjoyed her company, and had realized that... maybe I did feel the same for her, I was inept at expressing it. And so far, she thought all she had was unrequited love. Maybe sometime I'd show her differently, but now wasn't the time.

Kitchel sighed and leaned against me, "I got mad at Thatz today. I shouldn't have. He's taking all of Rath's deal very hard," she glanced up, "And you've been really distracted as well."

"I'm surprised you noticed," so it was a fight with Thatz that had her in a bad mood? Or did it have something to do with what she was going to ask me and stopped?

"Of course I would, how can I not pay attention to a hunk like you?" she giggled half heartedly. Anyone else I would have glared at, but for her, I simply gave her an amused look and continued walking. She did keep me distracted...

OoO

Hours later, I sat in my room, sipping some hot tea and looking out the window. A second cup of steaming tea sat on a platter on the table. I used to keep a cup of juice on the table every night when Rath was little, expecting his company too. Before his little trip to Kharl.

The door opened revealing Kitchel carrying that bundle of hair again. She hadn't let that thing go all day. She smiled slightly, but she wasn't her usual hyperactive cheery self today.

"Tea ready as usual. Did you remember my sugar?"

I nodded. She sighed, shaking her head, loose pink hair falling messily around her face. She sat down next to me, absently patting the kitten as she poured sugar into her tea and stirred it slowly. The kitten meow and she let it lick up a bit of her tea.

"Sugar makes them sick, you know," I watched her. She looked up at me, and I was surprise and no less than taken aback by the betrayal in her eyes.

"Why didn't anyone tell me Rath was a demon? More importantly, that he was the demon that destroyed Dusis?" her voice was cold, angry.

I blanched completely, speechless.

"I found out today! Waaay after the guy is dead, I finally found out that he was a demon. And nobody trusted me enough to tell me?" I began to see tears forming in her eyes and took her into my arms hesitantly. It surprised me to feel how much it hurt me to see her like this. So this was what had had her in a bad mood earlier.

"Because it was so painful for him. And for us," I responded quietly.

She looked up at me, still dubious, "But you never once though to tell me?"

"Rath... It hurt him a lot to find out he was a demon. Before he found out, he was sweet... childlike, innocent. He was playful and kind, inquisitive. He was open to everyone and warm, smiling all the time. But... when he found out, he closed out completely. Thatz never got to see the smiling Rath. You didn't either. It hurt him so much to know... maybe because he hunted demons, and to find out that he was in fact, killing his own kind. Maybe because he found out... what demon he was. What would you feel like it you found out you were a creature that people feared and hated. That all the people you loved hated those creatures, and they knew that you were one of them. You'd wonder how they could treat you any different. You'd be guilty at all the death and pain you caused. No... most importantly, how would you feel if you found out you were this creature that everyone feared and hated. That had done immeasurable amounts of damage and death, that everyone spoke of with fear? And then you found out that the whole time, they were speaking about you."

I stopped and let my words sink in. Rath had been like a son to me... and now he was gone, like all the rest of my family, I thought bitterly.

"Rath meant so much to me. He brought back my brother and sister into my life. First I'd lost them, and now him. Although really, he was gone from the moment he found out he was the demon that took Illuser's body," I knew my body was trembling, shaking even. But I wasn't going to let on to how shaken I really was. Despite that, Kitchel knew. She was good at figuring people out. She threw her arms around me, comforting me. Letting me sink into her and relax, and let the thoughts and emotions swirl around my head. Her presence had such a calming effect on me...

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she gave a small sigh and lifted chin.

"I didn't know he meant so much to you. I'm sorry, I would have kept quiet..."

He cut her off with a slight shake of his head, "No... It's better that I get it over with. And you couldn't have known, I never told anyone except him."

She snuggled against me, and even though it would have appeared that she was the one seeking comfort, it was me who was comforted. She always did that. I absently picked up a lock of her silky hair, stroking it. She in turn took my hand, pressing it to her heart.

"Everyone's been really depressed since he died. I mean, I can tell you're all trying to move on, but... you get that feeling. Especially you. It's this feeling that says that much as you don't speak about it, or act like don't feel it, in the night, inside of you, when you're all alone, that's all that comes out, grief," Kitchel's quiet words resounded in the room. She was like Rath, I realized. Able to bring out things that I kept to myself, things I hadn't told anyone ever.

"Thank you," I said, knowing she would understand.

"You're welcome."

OoO

I was, once again, patrolling the castle grounds when I heard her call again.

"Tetheus!" this time though, the cheerfulness was back, relieving me. Behind her were Delte and Thatz, arms wrapped loosely around the fortune- teller's waist. I gave them a questioning look but said nothing. Kitchel took my arm and began walking in step to me.

"Thatz and Delte are so cozy together, why can't we be like that?" she pouted. Delte blushed lightly, and Thatz grinned, looking at her softly.

"Alright, how about this?" I leaned down and caught her lips tightly in mine, hearing Thatz's whoop of encouragement and Kitchel's light gasp. It wasn't my first kiss, and I could fathom that it wasn't hers either, but it felt so refreshing, so right...

I wrapped my arms around her and she responded, reaching up and fondling my hair, still not breaking apart, opening my mouth a bit to let my tongue slip through slowly, meeting with hers halfway. And then parted, face flushed, eyes burning with the same passion I knew showed in mine.

"Yeah, something like that," she smiled, kissing me again. In the brief moment we had parted, I'd seen Thatz and Delte, surprised, but pleased looking for a moment before he caught her in a kiss as well. Then I was too busy to notice either one of them.

* * *


	10. Kaistern's Broken Heart I

**Enjoy!  
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* * *

_**Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 10-Kaistern's Broken Heart**_

* * *

It was like I was awake and asleep at the same time. Asleep because I was dreaming, but awake because I was completely conscious of my body and that I was dreaming. I felt my breath becoming quicker and quicker, until they were shallow, rapid rasps of breath, and my body began trembling. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't wake up. For the past two weeks since my Rath's death, my mind had been like in a fog. I had no will left, I couldn't make myself wake up if my life depended on it. Not like I cared about my life anymore anyway.

But the dreams wouldn't go away, and those I did try to get rid of. Dreams of Rath, always of Rath...

_A little red haired boy smiled up at me, eyes twinkling with the joy and innocence only a child could have, but deeper still, swirling in that glorious rose red, lays the red of blood, the demon in him lurking behind his childish look and actions. Still, he doesn't know of it, and hence is undisturbed by it, and we, at last comfortable with him._

"_Kaistern, do you know what this is?" the sweet, gentle mannered boy pointed at the old, dusty book in his lap. _

"_It's a demon. I fought one of those," I bit my bread and talked my mouth full, something Raseleane would most likely admonish me for doing in front of him, "They're not that tough though, I mean, even the amateur guards can kill those."_

"_Can I do it too? Tetheus is teaching me how to fight, and I'm getting good. I was up against him for a whole twenty seconds!"_

_I looked up for a moment. Twenty seconds was nothing, but against Tetheus? And the black officer wasn't one for going easy on anyone, "That's pretty good, kid." _

"_He wants you to help train me," the small darling boy said as a matter-of-factly. _

"_Does he?" I could imagine why. This one was a handful. But Rath was wonderful in everyway. Me, who had had a younger brother, and loved children, had fallen in love with Rath at first sight. I couldn't help it. To be sure, I was more than a little unnerved when he first appeared because of the demon he'd used to be... and technically still was. But I'd gotten over it, at least when he was around. It was only when I had time to reflect that the cold fear and uneasiness crept over me. _

"_Are you then?"_

"_Course. Wanna start now? Go get Fire and your sword and I'll meet you up here." _

_He saluted me in a crooked imitation, and then ran off, jabbering loudly at no one and waving sweetly to one of the maids who greeted him fondly. _

_Everyone truly loved Rath. Of course, only the officers and the Lord and Queen knew of Rath's true form, so no one else had any reason to be afraid of him. And it was really impossible not to love Rath. It was like subjecting a just born pup to Alfeegi's tantrums and lectures, you had to be heartless to do something like that. _

_He came back promptly; staggering slightly with the combined weight of Fire perched on his head and his gigantean sword. He ran up to me eagerly, then took off, leaving me to follow. He'd been running around _all_ day. How was he still full of energy? Children where the one thing people would never understand despite having been one themselves. Then again, Ruwalk Lykouleon and me still acted pretty immature when we wanted, Alfeegi called us children all the time. Yet we still didn't understand Rath completely. Alfeegi and Tetheus on the other hand, they'd never be able to understand Rath, since I doubted they'd ever been children. _

"_You ready?" I blinked, seeing that Rath was ready, in fact, I was the one who wasn't ready yet. _

"_Yeah!" the excited call came. Jeez, was he ever eager to prove himself. Oh well, this would be to some amusement. _

"_Alright, go," I called, not taking this in the least bit serious. C'mon, he came up to my waist, it's not like I had to be on my guard. Had Tetheus been watching, and I been a guard, I would have been quickly thrown out. Me not paying attention resulted in not seeing how quickly Rath had charged at me, and a silver blade was headed towards my shoulder almost before I had time to react. _

"_Whoa! How the heck did you move so fast?" I yelped, blocking his blunt attack. Now I could see how he had lasted those twenty seconds against the black officer. _

"_You weren't paying attention," Rath pouted, ducking underneath my legs and leaving me to whirl around in confusion and surprise just before he swung his sword to the side, aiming to hack my legs off. _

"_Ack! Don't you think you're being a little vicious?" I jumped in the air, narrowly avoiding his sword. I definitely had to keep my guard up, he was good. But off course, after having swung the sword around like that with so much momentum, he was left temporarily imbalanced, and I took the opportunity to swing the sword and stop it an inch above his head. _

"_Eek!" his crimson eyes widened, and a small sweat bead ran down his face, "But- But I had you..."_

"_You really think you could beat _me_?" I scoffed, then ruffled his head affectionately, "Nah, but I mean, c'mon, I've fought so many demons, naturally I have more experience than you._

"

"_Darn it," he pouted, rosy lips protruding from his face. I rubbed his back lightly._

"_Wanna try that again?" _

_OoO_

"_This is so COOL!" _

_I rubbed my temple. This was... what? The forty-fifth? Or forty-eight time he'd said that? I wasn't sure, I'd lost count at thirty-six. _

"_We know you're stoked about going demon hunting, but keep it down, or else you'll scare them all away..." I said tiredly. Much as I loved the kid, I couldn't do much about not liking his noise. If he kept this going I was gonna have a headache the size of Alfeegi's tantrums. Or the size of them ones his tantrums caused. I grinned to myself, I always made fun of Alfeegi. Should I start making fun of Ruwalk? Nah, he was my partner in crime most of the time, and he gave me extra money. So how about Tetheus? I sweatdropped, frankly I was scared of finding out what he'd do to me if he heard me making fun of him. So that was the reason I made fun of Alfeegi, he was the only one. _

"_What was that?" I heard Rath yelp in front of me, pointing towards the dense shrubs that surrounded the path that we were on inside the forest with a mix of excitement and nervousness. I couldn't blame him, this was going to be the first demon he'd ever encountered. I was honored that they'd chosen me to come with him, since it could have been Tetheus as well. But he was busy with a demon attack occurring in a town north of Hermosa. That's why we needed Dragon Knights, and to train Rath. So that they could take care of that stuff instead of exhausting Tetheus. He may act touch, but I knew that this constant moving around and fighting made him tired. _

"_I don't know, let's check," I called out to Rath and headed over. Red and faded lemon colored eyes peeked out from between the bushes, trying to peer into the darker forest. I recognized the rat demon that scampered around, its seven yellow eyes flickering back and forth, clawing at the ground where it had presumably hidden some sort of food. It was large, at least half Rath's size, with a greenish tinge to it's fur and a very short nose. _

"_Go for it," I whispered in Rath's ear, almost feeling the trembling excitement. There was nervousness, but no fear. I would learn that there never would be any fear. It made sense that Rath would never be afraid of his own kind. _

_Rath nodded and sprang forward, catching the large rat demon completely unaware and with one sweeping strike slashed through the thing. Blood and loose organs splattered a short distance away, most of it forming a blobby, mostly coherent mass. _

"_Ew," he observed, peering closer at the mass of had-been. _

"_Yeah. You slew your first demon," I said, grinning as I came out from behind the bushes._

_Wonder seemed to grow in his face, and suddenly he burst, jumping and squealing and acting like he'd found the biggest treasure. I smiled, watching as he seemed to make a tribal dance around the corpse, calling it names and boasting. Finally, he seemed to realize how childish his behavior was and stood up straight, strutting like... one of those wannabe prime ministers I'd often had to have meetings with who thought that just cause they were kings, they were big stuff, but really, they had no idea how to be king and they had never done anything to help their people. In any case, it was amusing. _

"_Here, I'll help you clean your sword," I offered, knowing he had some trouble sometimes due to the large size of this sword. He looked at me in disbelief. _

"_Kaisteeeern, I don't need help, I killed a _demon_," he said, stressing the word demon and making I seem like a big deal. I almost burst out laughing but held it in, knowing that would hurt his pride. I wanted to retort, 'that was just a little demon, I've killed _hundreds_ three times that size.'_

_But that'd be mean, and he had slain his first demon. A proud first step in becoming the knight he was meant to be. _

_Another rustling in the deep green brush attracted my attention, and Rath's as well. We both whirled as a small demon, about the same size as the one Rath had killed walked in. It was human shaped, except it had four arms, blue skin and three horns on it's forehead. It's solid yellow eyes gazed frightfully between me and Rath as it froze in its step. Rath raised his sword, grinning, a strange look in his eyes, something that lacked the childish innocence and had more a lust for blood. It scared me for a second, but then it faded as the demon cowered down, pleading. _

"_Please, don't kill me! I'm just looking for food, and I've never hurt anybody!" the small squeaks grated in my ear. Rath looked doubtful for a second, then shrugged one light shoulder and set the sword down. I looked closely at him closely to see if that look was there, but it was gone. Had that been the demon inside him that resurfaced at strange moments? _

"_Sure, you can go," he said and sheathed the metal blade. The demon scampered off without another word. _

"_That was merciful," I said approvingly. Another good trait of a dragon knight. To know when sometimes bloodshed wasn't necessary. _

"_You think?" he said. _

"_Yeah, of course."_

_OoO_

_I dragged myself to the set camping clearing, crickets quieting their nocturnal lament as I stepped into the clearing, a fire already broiling, courtesy of our very own fire knight of course. Or his dragon. I was exhausted, Rath had kept me running behind him all day. I was getting too old for this. Babysitting was a touch business. Now, trekking out and chasing down demons and them getting rid of them I could do, keeping up with a hyper ten-year old at the same time was beyond my limits. _

_And there he sat, the precious boy with the odd white lock of hair hanging into his face, which glowed, the shadows liquefying on his pale skin. _

"_Where do we sleep?"_

_I groaned, I still had to put out the sleeping bags and secure our food. Well, better than tents, "Roll out the sleeping bags, will ya?"_

"_Sure!" he said and hopped to it. Still full of energy and already giving me a migraine. Wait no, that had already been there all day. Still, I had to smile. I was glad overall that I had agreed to taking him out on his first demon hunt. And I was glad to be able to hog him to myself. I chuckled, sometimes we officers grew a little possessive over Rath. All in good-nature of course, but it was amusing to see us almost fighting over who got to be with Rath. Well, not real fights, more like pouts and pleads and sometimes growls between Ruwalk and me. Alfeegi called us childish for being like that though he pouted too. I'd seen him. And Ruwalk would occasionally steal Rath from one of us just to show him areas around the castle or help him sneak Lykouleon out. Rath served as the distraction till 'Feegi got wise to it. Even Tetheus sometimes requested that Rath's lessons be left up to him, and he clearly enjoyed being the one who usually gave Rath his swordsmanship and demon hunting lessons. _

_Now that I thought about, Lykouleon was the only one who didn't act like that. Cause of course all the women absolutely loved him, giving him baths and dressing him up and stuffing him with food until he was green. And cooing him and squeezing him when he was sick or when he was simply being adorable. But those were women for ya. I always did wonder exactly _why­_ Lykouleon didn't attach himself to Rath. And because he made no effort, Rath never attached himself very much to Lykouleon. Rath had once said that he felt something odd for the Lord. Like distrust. Because he felt the Lord's energy all around himself, he said. And I told him it was because he saved him and Rath just gave me a strange look and asked if I was sure that he'd saved him. When Rath said stuff like that, it kinda scared me. Because it was almost like he _knew_ the truth. And hence knew we were lying. _

_Of course, Rath didn't know yet that he was the Lord's successor as his blood brother. I didn't know how, but I felt that that would play a role in Rath's behavior towards Lykouleon. His Highness. His Majesty, I reminded myself, thinking of Alfeegi if he'd heard my thoughts. I was getting paranoid of him even when he wasn't around. Oh well, more power to him. _

_Sleeping bags rolled on the floor, I settled in, Rath already curled into a loose ball in one of them. I slipped into the second one, nestling Rath's smaller, younger form tightly against me._

"_Love ya Kai-kai," he muttered, affecting his simplest nickname for me. _

"_Same here, kid," I whispered in the sleeping cherubim's ear. _

_OoO_

_Years later, I whistled merrily, sword hefted onto my shoulder, as I breezed through the dense tundra. Rath's excited, if controlled footsteps followed me. _

"_Hey, how come we haven't found any demons? There's not that many places to hide," he asked me. I shrugged and turned to see the one whose heart I longed for but currently belonged to someone else, looking out onto the desolate, barren land with a disgruntled look. We were both on a mission to find a rogue demon and get rid of it. Rune had recently gotten hurt on a previous mission and Thatz had, conveniently, chosen to stay and take care of him. Conveniently because it allowed him to gamble his heart away without Rune or Rath to cramp his style. There was still Alfeegi to deal with however, and that made Rath and Rune's absence completely worthless. And Cesia, who would have been the number one candidate to go with Rath, had decided that she'd had enough of his obsessive demon hunting and preferred to stay and wait for him. I assumed they were having a little lover's spat. Well, in any case, it gave me a perfect opportunity to be with Rath. I wasn't quite sure however, why I wanted to be with him so badly. End result of my unexplained desires anyway, was me volunteering to come with Rath._

"_So... how are things going with Cesia?" _

_Rath's expression turned pensive, "Do think she likes me?" _

"_Well, yeah, she seems to," I admitted painfully. _

"_I don't want her to."_

_I looked at him, "What? I thought you loved her."_

"_I did... but she loves me back. I didn't want that."_

_I was surprised, so much so that I didn't try to figure what this meant for me, "Let me get this straight, unlike most people, you don't want the person you like to like you back?"_

_He shrugged, and turned his gaze away slightly, "I guess. It's just that now that she's starting to return my feelings, she doesn't act the same. She's more conscious of what I am and the way she acts, and it's just that... the girl I loved hated me, and that's why I got along so well with her, but now that she likes me, it's just as if she was one of the Dragon Tribe."_

_He was telling me this because of his promise to tell me everything. I was included in those 'Dragon tribe' people, and he hated me just as much as he did the rest. It hurt a lot, I realized, as my body suddenly faltered in its step and my senses seemed dulled with a knife that pierced slowly and painfully, blanketing you in the sand-papery touch of reality. I stumbled, almost falling, but the long hands of the fire knight caught me. _

"_Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, having immediately realized something had changed within me. Not like I tried to hide it, so it's not like it wasn't obvious. But I couldn't tell him. Because obviously he didn't want to love someone who already loved him, and those words I had been tempted to pronounce would have been in vain and heartbreak. The thoughts were just the same though, and it didn't help at all. _

"_Nothing. Don't feel as well suddenly. Maybe you should take care of the demon," I muttered wearily. _

"_Uh, sure," he brightened, "I get to lick butt all by myself!"_

_I let my gaze fall back to my feet as I trudged through the tundra, the whistle and spring in my step gone. _

_Finally, strange noises reached our ears and Rath perked up instantaneously, covering the short distance between us and surpassing it. I caught up with him and we both peeked over a huge boulder in our past. A strange glint passed through Rath's eyes as he spotted the youkai sitting at the foot of the boulder. _

"_It's demon cooking time," he whispered and charged at the youkai. It sprang up, it's black robe fluttering underneath it two long arms. Golden hair streamed from it's head, it's ugly face and fangs contorted in fear. _

"_Who are you?" it challenged. _

"_You don't know me? I'm sure you've heard of the great demon hunter, Rath," the fire knight mocked dangerously, his voice low and hungry. I shivered. There was just something unnerving when Rath was in full hunting mode. It was like his inner demon grew and morphed inside him, manifesting itself in his gestures, in the depth of his eyes. Unnerving but intriguing. And I knew he'd never hurt me, or anyone from the castle no matter how much he hated them, so I wasn't scared. For myself at least. _

"_Rath!" The youkai repeated, falling to its knees, "What do you want from me? Don't hurt me, please!" it pleaded, it's high voice breaking with fear. Female, I decided, and for some reason, I got the distinction that it was with young. Hidden deep within the folds of her cloak possibly. _

"_Hurt you? Now why wouldn't I hurt the demon that's been killing random people in various towns here?" he asked, his voice sickeningly and mockingly sweet. _

"_I only killed because a demon in Nadil's army made me, or else my offspring would die!" the she-demon pleaded, still on her knees. _

"_I'm not going to slack off on my job. You should have figured out a way to save your young without killing," he said. I got the distinct impression that he cared just as much about simply the rush of killing demons as the killings that had occurred. I started as I saw tears begin to run down the demoness' face. I was touched by the fact that they could cry. _

"_I won't kill anyone else, I just needed to be able to save my young!" _

"_Sorry, dealing with Nadil's army is a sin that can't be forgotten. You should have thought about that before you killed all those people," he smirked darkly. Jumping up, he swung down his sword with half his strength. _

"_Spare me, be mercif–" I turned my head away at the sickening chuck as bone was cut in half. I looked at Rath, my body tensing at the insane, pleased look in his face. _

"_Why did you kill her? She was being honest. She had children," I shuddered slightly as that cold gaze burned into me. _

"_Because it was a youkai," he licked the blood that had spattered onto his hands off. I shuddered again, sitting down slowly. _

"_You used to be merciful. What happened to that small demon we'd found the first time we went demon hunting? You spared it when it pleaded," I said accusingly, trying to rid myself of the shakiness in my voice. _

"_It hadn't killed."_

"_You've changed," I whispered, then gasped and covered my mouth. His cold gaze turned murderous. _

"_Of course I changed. I had no idea what I was back then. I didn't know I was a killer youkai. I should be acting like what I really am, shouldn't I?" his frozen smirk sent shivers up my spine, his darkened words rushing out dangerously, enveloping me with fear. _

"_Do you want to be next?" he whispered, holding his sword up, horizontally. _

"_W-what?" I tried to back away, as I saw Rath morph. His skin turned black, his eyes grew small and blood red, his body changing into that of a dog. Sharp fangs protruded from his muzzle as well as claws from his pointed paws. Our surroundings seemed to fade into black, and I let out a frightened cry and tried to scramble to my feet, but the horrible demon with the lustful eyes and sharp tail pinned me down, sword forgotten at its side. The last thing that changed from Rath to the youkai he'd once been was his face, and it was the last thing I saw before a saliva-covered muzzle bore down in my throat and I let out a strangled cry as it was raised again, this time covered in blood. _

"_Rath... why?" I managed to spurt out, blood spilling thickly out of my mouth as my life faded. _

I sat up, screaming, sweating, shaking. What kind of a nightmare had that been? I fingered my throat with shaky fingers and tried to calm my rasping gulps of air. Rath... I clutched my chest, feeling the pain of loneliness and abandonment stronger than ever in my dark room, the moonlight's absence dripping everything with black as I sat in my bed, mourning for the loss of my lost loved one. I had nightmares of Rath's death every night. A few silent tears squeezed through my closed eyes, landing with soft _plip_'s on my hand. I stood up, trancelike, opening the door and making my way into the dark, cold stone halls.

"Rath..." I murmured, my hands squeezing around my body. I found the closed door that I was looking for and turned the knob, the familiar sensation calming me somewhat.

I stepped into Rath's room, as black and dark as mine, and stumbled onto the bed, drawing the covers up to myself. Every time I had a nightmare I slept in Rath's room. And when Rath was alive, it had been vice versa. But now that he was dead, the comfort that I had received from his warm, smaller body up against mine was gone, and all that was left was a cold bed.

I knew Rath was in pain, I knew that was why he had killed himself, but why had he left me all alone? He could have taken me with him, I thought desperately, clutching the sheets that smelled so much like him, though it had been two weeks since his death. I needed to see him again so badly, it hurt. It was a constant hurt, one that left me in a trance, one that sometimes grew so painful I blacked out.

The occurrences in the dream had been memories. The only part that had been a figment of my pained heart was when he'd asked me if I wanted to be next.

I cherished all the memories of himself when he was younger with such fervor. He'd been so sweet and loving, he'd been the perfect little kid. Every one had love him and taken care of him, despite him having been such a troublemaker and all. I dug myself deeper in Rath's bed, breathing in the pillow's scent, the smell of sweat and darkness and pain and somehow innocence and love.

It had disturbed me though, how much he'd changed. When younger he'd had such a big heart, and though he had that strange obsession with killing demons, he'd been merciful. He never killed them without a reason. That all had changed, and his hunting expeditions had turned cold and bloodied, violent. And he killed for fun. No... I was sure he killed for revenge.

Revenge because he felt anger at everyone. Us for saving him, demons for creating him. He hated his very existence. But I had thought... I really had thought that I'd be able to save him from that. That our love would have been strong enough to keep him alive and to ease his anger.

It hadn't.

It was all my fault. If I had been stronger, or firmer, or more loving, would I have been able to save Rath? Maybe Cesia would have been able. Maybe she would have been able to control the demon inside him and kept him from committing suicide. I berated myself more and more with each breath, crying tears of regret and pain. It was my fault. I hadn't been able to save Rath from himself. I was supposed to protect him, and I let him die.

"I let him die..." I sobbed, softly. I wanted to kill myself, I really did. There was nothing left here. From the moment I'd realized that I loved him, my whole life had been centered around him. And he was gone, and I was left with a broken self.

I needed him to keep me anchored to myself, I needed him to find a reason to live and push myself to the brink, to keep going when I was a death's door on my travels and I found myself at a though position. I always thought of Rath, of coming home to his choking hugs, and later, his soft kisses, and that always gave the strength to fight on, hanging on to my heart as a lifeline. Roses in the sky, things to look forward to. Beauty in the vast expanse of nothing. My Rath.

I was exhausted. Had been from the moment I'd found him lying dead, head halfway severed from his neck, blood pooling around him, sticky. Blood had a smell. They said only demons could smell it, but I had recognized the scent and felt nauseous.

He'd smiled... he was happy. That actually had provide some sort of deluded comfort. He was happy he was gone. And yet, did that mean he was happy to have lost me?

Tears trickled down my cheeks, ran into the corner of my mouth and provided salty distraction from the pain my heart was being tortured to endure. I'd never see him again...

With that last thought I plunged once again into a dream world, this one more bittersweet than frightening.

_I looked out of the window. It was rare for me to be in the castle for long, but really, work had been slow. I wasn't needed much for some reason. Probably something to do with that big meeting Lykouleon had arranged with all the leaders of all the cities and countries. It was keeping them in temporary check. _

_It was relaxing, not having to constantly pack and unpack, rushing around to get somewhere in time and missing all the parties and all the inside jokes. You missed out on a lot of those when you were gone so much. _

_But it was boring too. Mostly because the other officers were busy dong forms that I had 'accidentally' lost and then Alfeegi had gotten so mad he'd forbidden me to help at all in case I lost more forms. Ruwalk had glared at me and said that he needed to try that trick out. Plus, Rath and the other two knights weren't here. They were out on a mission, and were bound to come back in two day's time. _

_My face clouded as I leaned back and rested my feet on the banister. Rath... lately, for some reason my mind had been a lot on him. I wasn't sure why. I imagined Rath's form, his impudent smirk on his handsome face. The way he walked with that proud stance, the way his eyes searched and analyzed, read you like a book. The way his eyes blinked innocently, wide and rose red. His odd white lock of hair waving in the wind as he lay on the grass, just staring up at the sky. He was downright sexy, I had to admit. I shuddered, had I actually just thought that of our sweet, little boy? _

_Ah, well, then again he wasn't a little boy anymore. He was grownup. And I wasn't the first one who had admired his looks, plenty of ladies in Draqueen had said the same things. Of course I would know, what with me practically residing in the local pubs with Ruwalk, we got comments and questions about Rath all the time from ladies. He wasn't a little kid anymore. _

_But there was so much more to him than his looks. His character. His hobby of reading, his expertise with a sword, his childish ways. How he always got away with everything, and how his eyes twinkled when he was happy and how the glinted dangerously, like a piece of glass when he was angry, or hunting. The way his mind was so insightful and he caught things no one else did. His strange personality switches, how one second he was an innocent laughing young man and then the next he was a was a conniving, deviously sly man, danger exuding from his body. And his eyes, so complex. I read so many emotions there at one time it was impossible. _

_And then there was me. Why was I thinking about him again? I couldn't place it, but I missed him. I was eager for him to come home and me be the one to receive him this time. I felt the need to be with him. How strange. _

_I sucked in the moist summer air. It was a nice day. The wind whistled gently through the trees, and all I could think about when I saw the trees was the time Rath had been a little kid and gotten stuck in them, and then me and Ruwalk had spent a full hour trying to get him down. I chuckled. _

_I sighed again, smiling lightly. Just the thought of Rath seemed to cheer me up and depress me at the same time. Cheer me up, I wasn't sure why. Depress me because he wasn't here. My smile widened a bit. I couldn't wait to be here to welcome him home. _

_Crewger bounded up to me, knocking into the chair and making me lose my balance and fall to the ground. The ice dog ran on me, licking my face relentlessly. _

"_C-crewger!" I choked out, laughing, "You're supposed to do that to Rath only!" Cause I was starting to get too old for that. Was that my excuse for everything? _

_Crewger whined happily, letting off for a moment before starting again. _

"_Guess ya missed me and Rath, huh?" _

_Another happy lick was my response. _

_OoO_

_I cruised leisurely around the castle, just doing my own thing. It was incredible to have all this free time. I walked across the guard's training area, deciding to drop by Tetheus. _

"_Hey," I waved. He looked up from supervising to fighters duking it out like the little kindergartners they acted like. _

"_Hello, Kaistern. It's nice to see your face here again," he smiled laconically. _

"_Yeah, it is. Last time I came here was to go over Rath's swordsmanship lessons," smirked, "Too bad he doesn't need anymore."_

_Tetheus nodded, and I saw something akin to nostalgia in his eyes. _

"_You liked teaching him a lot didn't you?" I said softly. _

_He looked surprised at me for a second, then smiled, eyes closed, "Yes." _

"_Well, he'll be coming back in two days, maybe you guys could have a small battle or something." _

_Tetheus nodded, and then we began to talk about the things I'd missed while on the last diplomatic nightmare. I even managed to make Tetheus crack a couple smiles, I always did._

"_You know," I began abruptly, "I've been thinking a lot about Rath. I'm not sure why though."_

_The black officer gave a long look before speaking, "What do you feel for the fire knight?"_

_I blinked, "I don't know."_

"_Could you possibly love him?" Tetheus suggested. My eyes widened. _

"_What are you talking about? I mean, of course I love him, just like you do, and Alfeegi and Raseleane, but..."_

"_Anything more?"_

_I turned away, my face suddenly hot, "I don't know." _

"_I'd say it's a possibility," the black haired man grinned slightly._

"_Why aren't you acting shocked, or surprised?" I blinked, finally looking at him._

"_Why would I be? Rath is closer to you than anyone else except for Rune and Cesia."_

"_I don't mean that, I mean... well, we are guys."_

_Tetheus looked amused, "So are Alfeegi and Ruwalk."_

_I stared. _

_OoO_

_Could I really love Rath? I kicked a stone into the pond behind the castle, where I had come to try to peer inside myself. All I cam up with were more questions, and insecurities. _

_Why? I was usually so comfortable about Rath, but... now I was nervous, and he wasn't even here. I had two days to figure out what I felt for him. That was too little time. _

_What if he didn't like me back? He had plenty of other people to choose from. There was... everyone except for Lykouleon and Raseleane, then I grinned, and Ruwalk and Alfeegi. Well, technically, according to Tetheus, Ruwalk and Alfeegi weren't together, but they obviously liked each other. And Rath had all sorts of ladies who would die to have him. I grinned sheepishly, it was kind of disconcerting to think of my innocent Rath doing Lord-knows-what with other girls... or guys, I swallowed. _

_I sat heavily back down on the grass, a cycle that had been going on for a couple hours already. Get up, pace, sit down, gaze. Repeat. I gazed at a bug that crawled over my shoe. A pretty bug, a ladybug. Red like Rath's hair and eyes, round like the tip of his small fingertips, as cute and innocent as he was. _

_I had to love him, otherwise, why was I thinking so much about him? Why was I yearning for him to come home so badly? _

_I needed a distraction. Maybe I should piss Alfeegi off and actually try to listen to what he yells at me for a change. _

_Yeah, that was a good distraction. Except for the fact that then I'd remember all the times Alfeegi yelled at Rath._

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**Once again: Thanks to all my reviewers!  
**


	11. Kaistern's Love II

**Hey, on the one hand, it was only a couple days over a month. On the other hand, a month is a long time. My apologies, but I have school, and five or so other fics, and so I am busy. Oh and my computer was pretty kaput for like two weeks. But thanks to all my reviewers, your support is AWESOME! **

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_**Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 11-Kaistern's Love**_

* * *

I twisted in the covers of Rath's bed, waking up suddenly from a half-completed dream, reaching out and expecting Rath's soft, moonlight-pale skin stretch underneath my fingers as he turned to look at me, eyes bright in the darkness, lips parted just enough to tempt me to lean forward, just before he asked me why I was still awake, and then I _would_ lean forward... but there was no one there. 

Dreams of Rath.

Forever to haunt me. I knew it was inevitable. I would live to my last day, dreaming every night of the one I had lost, and every night I would wake up, reach out and hope to God that _al_ of it was a dream, how he'd changed for the worse, how he'd died in a horrible suicide, and that he'd be right there. But he wouldn't be, and I'd just touch air, and realize I was alone, and would be until I died, and cry, cry my heart out.

Every night.

Why? I didn't want to remember. Or did I? It caused me pain and joy, the memories. Pain because my broken heart wanted to forget Rath, forever, erase the cause of the wrenching pain deep inside me. But another part of me wanted to immerse myself in the memories, live there for the rest of my life, safely tucked into my memories of Rath and me, arms wrapped around each other, as he lay contentedly asleep. I just wanted to sleep forever... A part of me wanted to forget and live reality, the other part wanted to remember and live in my mind.

I breathed in his still-fresh scent, lingering in the stifling air of his room like the wafting scent of roses in the vase next to his bed. Complements of Cesia, who'd thought the said blood-red flowers appropriate to put in his room. I did too.

In reality, I was scared. I was scared of life without him, and of how I would survive. I found I couldn't do anything more than lie in bed, or walk around. My thoughts were scattered around Rath, jumping from one memory to the next, one murderous thought to another. I tried to put myself to work, like Alfeegi had to cope with the grief, but I couldn't concentrate of anything for more than a couple minutes before I would throw it out in frustration and cry. Even now, sitting up with the covers pooled around my body, clutching the white silk sheets with a grip meant to strangle, I could feel the choking pressure inside my head and lungs as I tried to contain the tears.

I was mad, furious at Rath for leaving me like that. For not taking me along, instead of leaving me to live everyday without him. It was a pain far worse than death, and he of all people should have known what it was like to have pain in your life that only death would have remedied. But I could never be truly mad at him. I was angry, yet sad. Sad, and relieved, because he'd finally found relief from what had apparently been too much in his life, and saddened because of his death of course. I needed him, I really did, and now he wasn't here. He was what I had fought for, what I had dug myself out of whatever danger I was in during my missions, all to see him. And now there was nothing.

I wondered how I would live on. Ruwalk said that someday, it wouldn't be so painful, and I'd be able to move along, one day at a time. But he didn't understand, and I'd snarled that back at him, frustrated with myself, and with Rath, and bitter because of his death. I'd gotten mad a Ruwalk, all the while knowing in the back of my mind that this wasn't his fault, and I shouldn't have gotten mad at him, but it felt so good to let my emotions out, to cry, and to yell at _something_. And I still thought I was right. Ruwalk had Alfeegi, and Alfeegi wasn't dead. He had no idea what it was like to lose the person you loved. He could imagine, that he'd be in pain if Alfeegi died, he could cry at the though, but he'd never actually know the way despair engulfed you, and things just looked dim, and there was no joy or sunlight anymore.

Ruwalk said live one day at a time, don't think so much about the bad past, don't think of the loneliness of the future, focus on the happiness you shared, and don't think about the loneliness of tomorrow.

Live one day at a time, that's what he said. What he didn't know was that I couldn't think one day at a time, it was one _minute_ at a time. It wasn't so much as how I could survive the next day without him, it was how I would survive the next second, minute, hour, without him at my side, or knowing he was simply off on a mission.

I blinked, letting crystal water fall onto my lap, my mind beginning to numb from the constant pain, and the weariness, and the fact that it was the friggin' middle of the night. My eyes began to close, and with reluctance, I lay back down and began to toy with the tasseled corner of the comforter.

A mission, that was it. Rath wasn't gone; he was simply out on a mission. One just for him, because Rune and Thatz hadn't wanted to go on it. He was alive, out there, hyperactively slaying demons, sleeping peacefully at the moment, dreaming of me... he was alive...

OoO

_I fiddled restlessly with the pen in my hands, flipping it and twirling it absently, the other hands just tapping mindlessly against my face, resting on its palm. Alfeegi had finally let me file forms. To my annoyance. _

_But the papers lay in the same pile as ten minutes ago, which was just a centimeter lower than it had been an hour ago, and all I had to do was sign the forms after reading them. My mind was on something else. Or, more specifically, someone else. _

_I knew a stupid grin had appeared on my face. I doubted it was as stupid as my mind led me to believe, but it had to be stupid nonetheless. The kind of smile I'd worn when I was a child and had kissed my first girl. The same smile that appeared whenever I thought of that moment for a long time afterwards, until it melted with all the other kisses and moments I'd had. But there was one kiss I would never forget. My first kiss with Rath. The stupid smile alighted on my face and I swept it away quickly. What always had confused me though, was if he had meant it or just been playing with me when _he'd _kissed me. Oh well, that had been a long time ago, so that answer didn't matter much._

_I still wasn't sure. My conversation with Tetheus had helped a lot, but I was still dubious. My hands stilled, and I turned to look out the window. Did I... could I really love Rath? _

_Just at the thought, just at his name, my body was immersed in some sort of tingly warm feeling I could only remember having with my first crush. That had been a _long_ time ago, I smiled. I was surprised I could still remember. A warm tingly feeling... I snorted, that was so lame. And now I should dress in pink and wave a wand and sing happy Easter songs. _

_I rested my head on the palm of my hand again. I... had more or less established that I was in fact in love with our little boy. Funny that I should still think of him that way, though he wasn't 'ours'. Although by ours I mean the whole castle's, but he wasn't 'ours' anyway. And he certainly wasn't a little boy anymore. He'd done a lot of growing up, not all good though. _

_Yeah, not all good, I continued to muse. He'd grown colder and more reclusive, while becoming sexier and more alluring. More vengeful and perceptive, while somehow more forgiving and naïve. He was a walking enigma, and that was part of what attracted me so towards him. He was like a crystal diamond, cut into a multitude of reflective facets, complex, constantly swirling and changing with the light. How long had I been admiring this diamond?_

_Well... way before he'd kissed me when he was little, though that had been more intrigue and allure than actual love– as lovers, at least. I had always loved him as a parent. But really, when had the love I felt for him as family changed into something more? _

_I was afraid though, that it wouldn't work out. That he would see me as a parent, or family more than anything else. That he would reject me. What were the chances of him loving me, out of all the people he knew? A chill traveled down my spine, like my heart's hopes being crushed, a painful, plunging feeling. There was Rune, and Thatz, and Cesia, and Delte, and the girls in the pub, and he'd once told me about some Tupet girl he'd met recently... the chances were slim. And then, even if he accepted me, and we... got together, the sudden change in relationship from guardian and child to equal lovers might be too much, and it simply wouldn't work out. _

_I sighed, running my hands through my pale, bleach blond hair. I needed to talk to Tetheus. The result of that would always be exactly what I was looking for. He was like my emotional counselor, I always went to him for help. Cause he was quiet, and listened, and he always knew more than I thought he did, and he was always able to pinpoint exactly what was flitting around aimlessly in my head. Like an arrow through the heart. It always left me amazed, his intuition did. Not only that, but he was also a great listener when you simply wanted to vent away your emotions, and he never took offense when I yelled at him in my frustration. And believe me, I got easily frustrated. _

_I stood up, immeasurably relieved that I had found a course of action, the papers I had been assigned to finish completely out of my mind. Humming a light song, I slipped the door shut behind me, looking around for the black officer. _

_Minutes later, I finally found him gazing placidly from a balcony window on the third floor. His arms were crossed, resting on the banister as he leaned over, looking down over the vast expanse of Draqueen. _

"_Nice weather, hm?" the dark-haired officer intoned, glancing t me out of the corner of his eye before I had even opened my mouth or taken a step towards him. _

"_Darn it, how do you always do that?" I returned, just as placidly. _

"_What do you need to talk about?" _

"_Darn it again, you can always tell when I need to talk to you about..." I fumed, taking my place next to him, leaning back onto the banister, facing the wall, elbows draped over the banister. _

"_Are you restless? Without any missions or trips to go on?" he resumed, smiling very slightly. I smirked. _

"_Wrong there. Nothing to do with that," I drawled, pleased with his wrong guess. _

"_Ah... Rath and the other knights come tomorrow," he nodded knowingly, looking at me as he said so. I blanched. _

"_Fine, you win... But you it wrong the first time," I muttered. He remained quiet for a moment, letting me decide whether I wanted to continue or if I would let him make the first move. Not knowing how to begin, I stayed quiet, an unspoken signal for him to begin. _

"_You've decided that you have certain feelings for him, have you not?" _

_I nodded slowly, "I'm... pretty sure. Shoot, I feel like I did with my first crush. But it's more," I added, suddenly realizing how shallow a crush sounded. _

"_Are you certain that you love him?" The security officer's look held my gaze, not letting me look towards the ground, a way of drawing out the truth. I gave the barest nod, my uncertainty clear to him, I was sure, but didn't answer, and he continued, "Because if you're not sure, and you tell him you do, when it was simply a fleeting feeling," he stressed those words out, his way of helping me figure out what I was feeling. But I was sure it wasn't a fleeting feeling, so I shook my head. Appearing reassured, he continued, "Then your relationship could be completely destroyed forever."_

_I gulped, "Man, that's pretty harsh." _

_He tipped his head forwards, "Yes... but it's the truth. You cannot acknowledge feelings until they are for certain... because if they're not, then you've just destroyed that relationship. You can't go back to what you were before, and so you're stuck..."_

_I gave his dark black-red eyes a measuring look, "You speak almost as if from experience."_

_He finally acknowledged my words with a thoughtful nod, "Yes. I don't want to ruin this person's hopes of being with me by falsely accepting their love." _

"_Who is it?" I asked excitedly, the thought of having gossip on Tetheus a fun prospect. _

"_Someone in this castle is all I'm saying," the black officer confided and gave what came the closest to a smirk, which just turned out to be a small smile. He couldn't do the bad guy smirk thing very well. _

"_Fine, don't tell, but I will find out," I turned up my head, faking an attempt to look haughty. He chuckled very lightly, just once, and I felt like my job was done. I always made him smile. Poor guy needed to lighten up more. _

"_You will as soon as I admit the feelings you have for Rath to her," he resumed out original topic with such casual ease, so subtly, and yet directly, that I wondered if his people and communication skills weren't as bad as people often thought. Just cause he was normally so quiet didn't mean he wasn't a good communicator, I guessed. _

"_What if I don't?" I murmured. Tetheus' eyebrows rose with surprise, and a tinge of sympathy appeared in his eyes, along with concern. _

"_Do you love him?" _

"_Yes," I finally whispered after a moment's hesitation._

"_Then you must tell him. I'm sure he'll understand, and he's always been closer to you than anyone else," the black officer's encouragement and kind words lifted my doubts away. He paused, "Of course, it is Rath. So it may be a bit confusing for him, and you never know how he might react at first," my hopes fell to the ground with an almost audible thud. He caught my look and chuckled again, "I'm sure it will work out in the end though."_

_I looked into his eyes, "Thanks Tetheus. You're always the best one to talk to."_

_He bowed his head, accepting the gratitude, the put his hand on my shoulder, "It will work out fine." _

"_Yeah," I grinned, assured as well, "I'm sure it will too."_

_OoO_

_The night was restless with nervous excitement. The rest of the day had been like that as well, as even Alfeegi had stopped in mid rant (about me leaving the papers I was supposed to finish) to ask what was wrong with me. I just shrugged and said, "You and Ruwalk," at which Alfeegi first turned a becoming shade of crimson before narrowing his eyes and asking– no, _demanding_ what I meant. _

_Ruwalk too had noticed, and asked with that little smile of his. _

"_It's Rath."_

"_Oh, what about him?" the yellow officer cocked his head. _

"_I think I might be in love with him, but don't tell anyone," I said carelessly, enjoying yet becoming apprehensive as Ruwalk's eyes widened. _

"_You're kidding! When did this happen? Have you told him?" _

"_Nah, not yet. Which is why I don't want you to tell, cause if it goes wrong, then, well, I'd rather keep it to myself," I gave him a hard stare, and he gulped jokingly. _

"_Hey, no prob man, your secret's safe with me."_

"_Hey, is it true about you and Alfeegi?" I asked viciously, relishing in Ruwalk's yelp and reddening. _

"_There's nothing going on between Alfeegi and me..." he mumbled. I just grinned wider._

"_But you want there to be," I pointed out wisely. _

"_I dunno. Maybe," he glared at me, "But don't you tell."_

_The both of us stared at each other for a second before we burst out laughing. _

"_I guess I won't tell if you don't" Ruwalk laughed. _

"_Two-way blackmail is great, huh?" I laughed along with him. _

"_So are _you_ going to tell him?" I asked, wiping a small tear from my eye. _

"_I don't know," he murmured, his face losing all trace of laughter, showing me how serious he actually was about Alfeegi, "Maybe. He's not interested in me that way though..."_

"_You never know," I advised, "Go for it." _

_He grinned, light-tipped bangs falling from his eyes, "Yeah, maybe someday I will." _

_I felt sorry for him, I realized, stretching out in my bed. Because he was almost in the same position as me. _

_I tried to fall asleep, but thoughts and anxiety about tomorrow kept me tossing and turning. I wasn't mad though, it wasn't like a bad tossing and turning, it was like the way you can never fall asleep no matter how hard you try on the night before your birthday, knowing you have presents waiting for you in the morning. Christmas was more accurate, I mused, trying anything to distract me._

"_And counting sheep doesn't really help you fall asleep..." I muttered minutes later. I paced around the room, I tried to read, and finally, I settled for staring at the ceiling as I lay in bed, and just let all my thoughts bombard me until finally, I did fall asleep. _

_OoO_

"_You're like a little kid waiting for a birthday present," Ruwalk commented the next day, grinning as I turned my head away from starting at the entrance gate, waiting. _

"_Well, so?" I said, unable to come up with a better defense. _

_The yellow officer shrugged, tapping a stack of papers against the table to align them, "We don't know when they'll get here. Are you going to stay at that window all day?" _

_It was my turn to shrug, "Possibly. Until I get hungry at least."_

_We laughed, and then I turned back to my gazing and waiting, and he to his filing. Alfeegi kept him on a pretty tight rein with work. _

_Suddenly, four small dots descended over the hill, heading towards the castle gates. Just small dots, completely indistinguishable from all the other dots that happened to be just travelers or farmers, but I knew from the sudden vibe of excitement that ran through me that that was Rath, Rune and Thatz. I wondered who the other person was, but then I remembered that Cesia was with them as well. _

_Bolting out of my seat, I ran to the door, flinging it open and dashing down the hall. I heard Ruwalk yell loudly, asking if it was they, then answering his own question. My feet pounded down the stairs, all the way down the winding halls of the Dragon Palace, until I finally skidded to a stop in front of the doors. I waited, poised with my ear on the door, waiting until I heard their voices in front of the door and then opened them. _

_They all looked surprised, Thatz and Rune kind of a sleepy, wide-eyed look, Cesia's that of simple surprise, and Rath's unusually bright. _

"_Kaistern!" he squealed, all but jumping on me, and I felt something relish in his touch, his lean body pressed tightly against mine. I breathed in his almost savage, intricate scent. Oh Dusis, I really did love him... _

_He broke away, grinning widely, "Never expected you to welcome me home for a change."_

"_Yes, it's too often the other way," I grinned ruefully, "How was your mission?"_

"_There were tons of demons!" he said excitedly, in full hyperactive gear. _

"_Yeah, and he made us chase it from three friggin' days," Thatz mumbled. Rune nodded and Cesia sweatdropped. _

"_Worst thing was he was all berserk and demon-hunting happy the whole three days," the demon girl glared at the dark vermilion haired boy next to her. "Aw, c'mon, it was fun!" he wailed. _

"_For you..." Rune muttered wearily. _

"_You guys look tired, well, minus Rath," I said, looking at the fire knight fondly. _

"_Yeah. Go to bed now Rune, I'll come in a sec," Thatz ruffled Rune's hair, kissing his forehead lightly, then pushing him along. I cocked my head to the side. _

"_What was that?" I asked, curious to see Thatz acting that way towards the water knight. And wondering at the same time if everyone in the frigging castle was gay. _

"_That? Oh, nothing. Doesn't mean anything, it's just that he's so cute! And he's been having bad dreams lately, so I sleep with him," Thatz explained gleefully. He wagged a finger at Kaistern, "What, did you think we were a couple or something, like a certain pair in here?" _

_I blanched, wondering how he knew about me and Rath. And then I frowned, cause its not like we were a couple yet. I hoped we'd be... _

"_Anyway, I'm going to put my stuff up, leave you guys to catch up," Cesia smiled and strode off to her room. Rath looked after her for a moment with something like a wounded expression. _

"_What?" I asked. _

"_She's mean," he pouted, then he grinned, "But she doesn't like me," I raised my eyebrow but didn't press further. There were some things about Rath you didn't want an explanation for. _

"_So, you want to walk around for a while?" I asked, trying to mask my sudden nervousness. _

"_Sure," he agreed easily enough, walking ahead of me. We headed to the gardens, were he sat atop a stone wall, legs dangling back and forth. I sat next to him, more subdued, of course. _

"_So you had a good time?" I tried to be conversational, noticing that my hands were shaking just the least little bit with my anxiety. _

"_Yep. How long are you staying?" _

"_Well, just a couple more days. A week at the most."_

_Rath whistled, "That's long, considering it's you."_

"_Yeah. I'm hoping to spend a lot of it with you," I managed to hint, though I doubt he would have gotten it. _

"_Maybe," he smiled, full of clarity like I hadn't seen in a while. _

"_You look really... good today," I said. He looked at me, leaning closer. _

"_Good? What kind of good?" he murmured softly, his mouth moving ever closer to my ear, and I knew he was playing one of his games. I wish he'd really mean them for once. _

"_Healthy. Happy," I clarified. _

"_I am." _

"_Oh? How come?" I was curious now. And I was getting ready to tell him. _

"_Because of something," he smirked, and I could tell he wasn't going to say anymore, at least not now. Eventually, he always told me everything. It was our promise._

"_Hey, Rath... I... wanted to tell you something," I said, drawing a breath and opening my mouth. Rath looked intently at me, red eyes shining. _

"_What?" _

"_Rath... um, I guess... I know it may be a bit weird, but I finally figured that I–"_

"_Cesia!" Rath's attention was diverted and he waved his hand, beckoning her over. I blinked, rock-still for a second before I sighed, my body becoming limp as I lost my opportunity, a sinking feeling heavy in my stomach. I held back the glare I wanted to give the girl as she came over, interrupting the very important thing I needed to tell Rath. I needed... to tell him I loved him. _

_But then Rath swept Cesia into his arms, kissing her soundly on her lips, and though she looked a bit disgruntled, she didn't object at all, in fact, she looked more pleased than disgruntled. And with the passion that was evident in the way he held her, my heart broke. I suddenly couldn't breathe. _

"_You wanted to know why I was unusually happy? Here's the reason," he gazed at me after breaking the kiss. I stared, in shock, feeling sick. Sick, and broken, and used, and mistaken, and foolish, and heart-broken, all at once. _

"_I... I don't feel good," I finally managed to utter, clambering off the wall and stumbling away as quick as I could. _

"_Kaistern? Do you want me to take you to your room?" I wanted to cry as he held his arm out to me, a tinge of concern in his eyes. I batted his hands away. _

"_No, I'll- be fine. Don't come at all..." I pleaded. I wouldn't have been able to take it. He looked just barely hurt, but instead secured his hold on Cesia and shrugged. _

"_Oh... I wonder what he was going to tell me?" I heard Rath muse out loud. _

_I ran up to my room, slamming the door and locking it, crumpling into a chair and putting my face in my arms on the table, letting the slow tears slide off my face to dampen the wooden table. I didn't sob, or cry, in the sense of doing anything more than letting tears run down my face. I felt numb, and broken. I had been such an idiot. How could I have thought I'd have a chance. Of course he'd pick Cesia, she was a demon, just like him. They were so alike, it was only natural he'd go to her. But it hurt, to have my hopes soaring so high to be brought down with such a painful crash on a barren world. _

_I wanted to damn the all. Tetheus and Ruwalk, for say it'd be alright, when it wasn't in the end. For giving me false hopes. Myself for thinking so high, for falling in love. Rath for breaking my heart, without even knowing what he'd done. And Cesia for taking him away. My mind was on autopilot now, rampaging, free in its pained rage. I wanted to damn Lykouleon for creating Rath, Alfeegi for suggesting the last mission, the one that apparently had brought Rath and Cesia together, because their hooking up hadn't been there before the last mission. Raseleane for taking in the hanyou girl, and Salazar for having first told us about her, and just everyone in general. _

_Suddenly feeling too tired and depressed to think anymore, much less go out of my room and meet Tetheus, or Ruwalk and have to tell them what had happened, I got up slowly from the chair and drew the covers of my bed, lying down heavily and immersing myself in the soft blankets, trying to push all thoughts of Rath away. _

_OoO_

_That morning came, and I woke up not remembering any of what had happened, until a knock was heard at my door, and a certain fire knight waltzed into the room. I stared at him, all of the night before flooding into my head, and I laid back down, pushing my pillow into my face. I didn't want him to see the tears that were threatening to spill from my lemon-colored eyes. _

"_Kaistern? Are you still sick?" I heard his ask softly, and I tried to mumble an affirmative as unemotionally as I could. I figured that the quivering in my voice could be passed off as part of being sick. _

"_Maybe I should help you get better," he whispered, the mattress denting with his weight and his long hands fluttering in my hair. _

"_No..." I stammered quickly, withdrawing my head from his touch, face still ear-deep in pillow. _

"_Are you sure?" his soft breath flitted against my ear, and I was torn between heart-break and longing. I wanted him to stay here, as if it was just the two of us, but that was impossible because I knew that somewhere out there, there was someone he currently loved more than me. _

"_Rath!" I jumped, the sighed in relief as the black officer's call made the fire knight besides me stand up like a light and stammer and apology. _

"_Er, sorry Tetheus, I just wanted to check on him..."I knew Rath was pouting, it was the face he always wore when admonished. _

"_I understand, but I told you explicitly not to visit him. We don't want you to get sick as well. He needs to be alone."_

_I heard Rath grumble something before the door clicked shut, and I sighed in relief but didn't move. _

"_I'm sorry," I jumped again, thinking Tetheus had gone out along with Rath. No such luck. I gave a heavy breath, sitting up slowly, turning to meet Tetheus' eyes, full of empathy. _

"_I... had hoped for too much..." I murmured. _

"_No... it's just that the circumstances hadn't been right," the dark haired secretary comforted, standing above me. I gave him a half-smile, knowing he meant well, but it didn't stop the bitterness. _

"_How did you find out I knew?" _

"_Well, I saw Rath with Cesia, and I asked him if Kaistern knew about them, and he said yes. And when I asked, he told me that you had been about to say something, but had gotten sick before you finished. So I assumed you had been about to tell him when you saw that the two of them were together," he said kindly. Nonetheless, I winced as I heard his last sentence. _

"_It didn't turn out how I'd hoped, and now... what's the use. It's all over," I scolded myself bitterly. I sank into deep silence, and Tetheus sighed, knowing that there was nothing else to say to me at the moment. _

"_Maybe it's not over," he said, taking leave of my room. I forced myself to ignore his last comment, unwilling to let myself be lured into false hopes again. Instead, I ran my hands deep into my light pale flaxen hair, letting liquid diamonds fall unto the stone floor. _

* * *


	12. Kaistern's Confusion III

**By the way, I just felt like putting this on here: I like listening to Evanescence and Linkin Park and some Maroon 5 and Green Day andTatu when I write this. I have a playlist called 'Angst' that I always listen to to get me in the mood to write all my sad fics. Lol. In other words, all my fics. **

**When Kaistern gets tucked into bed, imagine Evanesnce's My Immortal' until the memories start, cause I kinda based that part on the song cause the lyrics fit SOOO well. I mean, really, look at the lyrics, and think about Rath and Kaistern. **

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**Bittersweet Sword: Chapter 12- Kaistern's Confusion**

* * *

_A sigh, then, "I don't know __why_ he insists on sleeping in his own bed, if every morning he winds up in here."A sigh, then, "I don't know he insists on sleeping in his own bed, if every morning he winds up in here." 

I stirred, something in me recognizing the voice through the haze of my still-sleeping brain. My eyes still closed, I ignored Ruwalk and instead tried to figure out where I was. The answer was immediately clear, as I inhaled deeply and the scent that reached me was purely my red-haired knight's. His bed covered in his scent, the covers somehow feeling as smooth as his hands on my skin.

I lifted my head up, reaching out to see if he was next to me, and then I remembered, he was away on a mission. I sighed unhappily and opened my eyes, blinking and sitting up to face the yellow secretary, completely aware that I was wearing no shirt. I looked outside at the bright sun, surprised to feel no warmth at all from it, despite its incredibly brilliant light.

I was taken aback by the sympathetic, mournful look the yellow officer gave me, and noticed that he looked rather tired.

"What's wrong with you?" I pointed at him, "You look tired."

He gave me a look in his brown eyes that reflected something of unbelief.

"Of course I look tired, I mean, you know, with him..." Him? Who? I felt like I was _supposed_ to know who 'him' was, and the way he said it somehow got through to me like he didn't want to say it out loud. What bad thing had happened lately, I wondered? Oh, I blinked. Was it Lykouleon, having sprained his foot? That seemed logical, after all, that meant Ruwalk had to do a lot of running around and meetings and that type of stuff.

"And Alfeegi couldn't sleep well last night, either..."

I grinned at his statement, though something told me that I shouldn't have. Not the way he said it, like there was something infernally wrong here, and I was missing what it was. But I couldn't figure out what it was, so I left it at that.

"You lucky rascal, pairing up with Alfeegi and all," I smirked at him, "You better behave while you're together."

The yellow secretary gave me the strangest look I'd seen from him yet, "Kaistern?" he began cautiously, lifting his hand and putting it to my forehead, "Are you okay?"

I blinked, cocking my head to the side, aware that confusion was spreading through my expression as clearly as black on white, "Why wouldn't I be?"

My statement seemed to shake Ruwalk up, and he withdrew his hand abruptly from my forehead, a trickling of fear showing up in his eyes.

"Oh Gods..." was all he muttered, his face paling somewhat, but I didn't see it, or hear him, suddenly remembering the question I'd wanted to ask him.

"Hey, Ruwalk, when's Rath coming back from his mission?" I asked cheerfully, swinging my legs off the bed and standing up, stretching lightly. I paused as I finally noticed that his face had drained of all color.

"Ruwalk, what's wrong?" I murmured, frowning at him and bending down in front of him. He shook his head, giving me a weak smile that faltered despite his valiant effort.

"K-Kaistern," he swallowed, "Where did you say Rath was?"

"On a mission, of course. Didn't you know? Or did you forget cause Rune and Thatz didn't go with him? He was really excited about 'getting to kick youkai butt by himself,' as he put it. I can't wait till he comes back so I can hide behind the door and give him a good scare."

I grinned viciously, my chuckling being cut off as I noticed how Ruwalk's hands were shaking, his eyes wide and staring at me, "Hey, are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah... yeah," he said slowly, getting up and leaving the room giving me another glance hurriedly.

I frowned again in a baffled expression, but I shook it off. If he hadn't wanted to tell me, then I shouldn't pry; he'd probably gone to tell Alfeegi anyway. It was odd though, because Ruwalk and I usually shared a lot of stuff, and I couldn't understand why he wasn't telling me if he simply wasn't feeling well. I shook my head, brushing it off. I was feeling unreasonably happy, envisioning Rath's pale, sharply defined face in a pleased expression of surprise.

I hummed lightly to myself, walking out of Rath's room, my mind failing to notice the wilting flowers on the bedside table, the lack of fresh air in the room, and the still faintly traceable stain of blood on the stone floor.

Walking into my room and rummaging through my drawers to find a clean shirt to slip over my head, I then walked out to the balcony, looking at the clear, bright blue sky and placing my hands on the banister. I blinked and removed them, wiping them on my pants. They were wet. In fact... I passed my hand across the length of the whole banister, to find it wet. But with what, I couldn't tell, because I couldn't see water anywhere. And the sky was clear, it wasn't raining. Running my hand across my arm as well, I was surprised to feel it wet too, but there was no water on my arms.

Perplexed, and more than a little confused, I walked back into the room, and headed over to the vase of fresh flowers, the smell becoming stronger as I came nearer to them. Plucking a red-rose in full bloom, I twirled it around my fingers distractedly, still wondering what the heck had been with feeling water on my arms when there was none. But then I forgot it quickly as I focused on the red rose, thinking instead of how much prettier was Rath's hair and eye's red. Much more than the bright red of the flower. Dipping down breathe its sweet scent, I sniffed and then almost gagged. It smelled disgusting , like it was rotten.

Setting it down quickly back on the table, I turned to see Cernozura walking in.

"Hey," I waved, and she frowned. I ignored it, "Those roses smell weird."

"Of course, I'm sorry, I need to replace them with fresh ones," she said apologetically, lifting the vase up.

"Fresh ones? Why fresh?" my eyebrows drew together in perplexity.

She gave me an exasperated look, which was quickly replaced by one of sympathy, as if she'd suddenly remembered a reason to pity me, "Because those are wilted, and wilted flowers smell bad and are ugly."

"They're not wilted! What are you talking about?" I was beginning to get frustrated with everything in general.

Shock spread through her face, and she spoke slowly, "Kaistern? Those flowers are about two weeks old. They're beginning to rot..."

"Oh, yes, of course," I said, trying to fake a smile and instead turning around, a serious look on my face. Was I losing my mind? I looked again at the flowers, and for a second, they appeared wilted, but the image was replaced by those of fresh flowers. I put a hand up to my face, wondering if maybe I did have a fever.

But then I looked out into the bright sunshine, and my mood lifted away, along with all the confusion, and I found that I was ravenously hungry.

"Well, I'm off to have some food," I tipped my imaginary hat towards Cernozura, and she blinked then smiled sweetly.

"It's good to see you've finally gotten over it, Kaistern," she said quietly, almost as if afraid to voice her thought, although her words and face appeared sincere.

"...Right..." I murmured, seeking solace from these confusing scenarios downstairs.

Walking into the main dining hall, surprised faces veered from various stages of eating to look at me. I detected immediately signs of weariness, and a strange atmosphere of mourning that seemed to warp and fade continually. Delte and Thatz were sitting next to Tetheus and Kitchel, with Raseleane at the head instead of Lykouleon, who had most likely been made to stay in his room and off his ankle. Rune was sitting across from Thatz, and Alfeegi and Ruwalk weren't there. Cesia and Zoma were sitting a couple seats away from Rune, nearer to Raseleane.

"Kaistern!" Thatz blinked, motioning for me to sit down between him and Tetheus.

Tetheus gave me an even look, tinged with concern, and then Thatz spoke up cheerfully, "Wow, it's nice to see you up and about on your own."

The black officer gave me a nod, uncharacteristically concerned for a guy who was usually stone-faced. I lifted my fork and stabbed the omelet on my plate, shoving a large piece into my mouth.

"Am I missing something?" I asked with a mouthful. It was like I was three years old again and I'd lost my favorite toy and everyone sympathized.

Thatz's bright brown eyes blinked from underneath his forest-green bangs, giving me an odd look, "I don't think so. What do you mean?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. I turned to glance outside, "It's such a nice day outside."

Suddenly every eye was on me, the same expression I had seen of Ruwalk's face, and on Cernozura's face. Shock. Worry. Fear. Kitchel interchanged a look with Tetheus, and Delte squeezed Thatz's arm worriedly.

"Jeez, are ya'll afraid of a little sunshine?" I muttered, beginning to get impatient with all the looks.

"But it's raining outside, Kaistern," Zoma spoke up, giving me a childish tone in his voice. Like I was the child.

I swung my head sharply again to look outside, and for a moment, thunder boomed in my ear and the hall seemed to seep in darkness corresponding with that of the coulds in the sky.

But just as quickly, the image screeched to a stop and was replaced by the brightness of the sun.

I drew in a wavering breath and tried to stare as evenly as possible back at the dragon clan, despite the sudden turmoil and fear in my stomach, weighing me down. I suddenly wasn't hungry.

"I knew that. I was just kidding. Reverse psychology, you know?" I grinned shakily. The fear didn't leave from their faces, or from my stomach.

I picked at my food, trying to find a way to distract myself from the incredible feeling that something was wrong, with _me_.

"Kinda quiet without Rath around, isn't it?" I tried to put cheer in my voice.

"Yeah..." Thatz responded with a mournful look. Rune choked a sob back and the rest of the table kind of looked downcast. A frown pulled at my face.

"Jeez, I know you all love him and all, but aren't you overreacting?" I waved my fork at them. Sudden silence followed.

Then Rune stood up, fear mixing with the tears in his eyes, "How can you say that?" he asked in a near death-whisper, eyes staring widely at me, before he stumbled out of the room, without even taking a look back.

"Rune!" the earth knight called out, giving me an almost angry look, fear staring at me squarely in the face, as if there was something wrong with me, "You're the one who'd been overreacting, Kaistern!"

"What the hell? What's wrong with them? I thought they didn't _want _to go on the mission with him?" I turned to Tetheus, and was again baffled by that _look_. Like I was demented. And it was starting to piss me off.

"Kaistern..." Tetheus said slowly. Like I was child and he was trying to find the best way to explain to me that my pet dog had died. It was scaring me, I realized. And getting me angry and frustrated.

"What is wrong with you all?" I snapped, standing up abruptly, "Jeez, you're acting like he's dead or something, and I'm going crazy!"

Raseleane and Delte were crying, I realized, their muffled sobs finally reaching my ears. Rune was gone, Thatz having chased off after the distressed elf. Zoma was confused at what was going on looking between me and everyone else, Cesia deathly still at his side, fury burning in her gaze, all directed at me. Kitchel's eyes were wide.

"Tetheus... what's wrong with him?" she whispered, meaning for it to only reach his ears, but I heard it.

"There's nothing wrong with me!" I glared, but inside I was beginning to dread the fact that maybe they were right. There was something slithering in my head, something that was telling me that everything was wrong, that I was fooling myself. I whirled about looking for an answer out of my exasperation, trying to find a way out. Sunlight reached my eyes, cold sunlight. I tried to run away.

But I was stopped by a cold grip on my wrist, painfully wrenching me back.

"Let me go, Tetheus!" I cried out, trying to shake his hand away, unable to keep the rising fear out of my voice, "I want Rath back now!"

"He's not coming back, Kaistern! He's dead!" the black officer said forcefully, and I tried to ignore the words that were like darts through my consciousness, my stomach doing turns from the fear and the anxiety and the worry, and the sudden _shock_. Like somebody was punching my stomach with lead knuckles.

"No he's not! He's away on a mission!" I said, trying to convince myself as hard as I could, fighting back that invisible person with the leaden punch, fighting off the urge to get sick all of a sudden, and to collapse and cry,

"He's not dead! You're all crazy!" I tried to struggle out of Tetheus' increasingly forceful grasp, fighting him as if getting free of him would win me my own freedom. Freedom from this fear.

"Kaistern! Look at me!" my jaw was pulled roughly to look at him, my neck twisted painfully. My arms were pinned behind me, but I was still struggling. The sunlight was gone. Raindrops splattered against the window, as fast as my heart was beating, as sharply as my head was pounding. A melancholy, rushed melody, "You have to face reality!"

Tetheus' red eyes leered at my broken mind in a mockery of what Rath's living ones had been. He gazed at me evenly, trying to instill some sense of stability into me, trying to calm me down, but I was still struggling. I didn't want to accept that fact.

"You're wrong! Rath isn't dead, you're the ones who're delirious, not me!" My voice was quivering, and in a last attempt to hold me still, Tetheus grabbed my chin again and stared forcefully at me. My lower lip quivered violently as I pleaded one more time, "He's not dead... I'm not delirious..."

"Where is Rath?" the taller black-haired man asked softly, hand still holding my face to keep from turning away, though my body had fallen limp. His eyes bore into me, searching me and breaking the illusion I had been trying so hard to keep alive. My Rath. He was breaking my happy, false illusion that he'd come back. That he was alive again, and would come to me again. Oh God...

"H-He's out on a mission..." I said pitifully, my dull lemon eyes as wide as they could get, my voice sounding like that of a young child, shaking so badly with unshed tears, and my body was beginning to tremble. I was lying. And I knew it, known it, but hadn't realized it.

"Kaistern..." Tetheus murmured, his eyes beginning to glisten, and pulled me close as I began to cry, holding fast onto him, my body shaking violently, sobs racking through my slim frame like they were bent on vengeance, "He's gone, Kaistern."

"I know," I sobbed, gripping his jacket like it was the only thing that would keep me anchored to reality, "I knew it all along, the whole time, I knew there was something wrong, that I was lying to myself!" I looked up at him through tear-stained eyes, "And I fell for it."

He held me, always the stable reassuring force in my life at the castle, the one I had always been able to go to when I had a problem, when I wanted to keep a secret. Like a brother. What I had been to Rath. Stability, and a secret-keeper, and someone to hold him when his demons became too strong. Except that I loved Rath, and I wanted him back! It hurt, to think that I would never walk out of the castle on a trip to see his smiling face waving at me from one of the windows, that I would never come home to his hugs, and then at night lay in bed to his kisses.

It hurt to think that I would die remembering him, seeing him in my last moments. It hurt even more to think that I might fall I love with someone else, having lost the opportunity to be with him. I would never love anyone again. Not like I'd loved him. Never.

I wasn't sure how long he held me, let me cry out all my pain, but I was grateful for it. I was aware too, that Thatz had come back momentarily, that Kitchel had watched the whole time, that Alfeegi and Ruwalk had finally appeared watching with pain in their eyes, and that Cesia had left, Zoma following faithfully at her heels, and that Delte and Raseleane had finally stopped crying. I didn't care though, because all I could think about was Rath, Rath, Rath. My Rath, my beautiful, hurt, dangerous, naïve, confident, loving, jaded Rath.

Never again to see the light of day. Never for me to lay eyes upon again. To live in my memories for the rest of my life, and then for the remainder of eternity.

OoO

Tetheus and Ruwalk had tucked me in to bed, Alfeegi fighting to control his own tears, but giving me a reassuring smile nonetheless. I tried to give him one back, but I don't think I managed to do it very well. I was exhausted, and the worst part was wondering how long I would stay like this.

They left, the door clicking softly, like the boot heel of Rath's shoe would when he was trying to sneak up on me and fail miserably. I looked outside, the trees shadows blurry in the heavy rain, and the dark clouds, and to me, it looked like my fire knight's slim silhouette, glowing darkly in the faded day, though to me it looked as dark as night.

And I was scared. Because I knew that in the dark, he would come back, and walk across my vision, and kiss me, and look at me, and I would see him everywhere.

He wouldn't leave me alone. He was dead, he was gone, but he was still haunting me, sticking to me. And a part of me wanted that, to never forget him, but another part damned the day I had first laid eyes on him, the first time I had seen him with a lover's eyes instead of a parent's eyes, and I wanted him gone. For good, out of my head, so I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore, and maybe then I could go on.

He'd left me in body, and left me broken, but he wouldn't leave my head alone. It was double the torture, and as painful as death itself.

I was tired, so tired, as I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, the shadows looking like Rath's gestures, his hands, his eyes, his face and body. This room, which held as many memories of him as his own room did to me, so much that I could imagine him walking across the floor, laughing darkly at me, while love shone in his dark eyes. Such a dangerous mix of human love and demonic danger.

Why couldn't I forget him? He wouldn't leave my head! I cried again, turning over and burying my head in my pillow, holding back my sobs, then letting the fall into muffled protests of pain against the dampened pillow.

I could never forget him. He was as much a part of me as I had been a part of him. I had given up too much of my heart, and I couldn't take it back. I never knew pain could be so deep, so real, and yet so fake. All in my head, and in my heart, but it hurt worse than if I'd been stabbed to death. Too real. Bleeding, I would bleed forever, and ever, and I would never heal, the wound would never clot and close, and if it ever did, it would leave a scar for the rest of my life.

Years... endless years with him I had lived. I could never forget him. Time was supposed to erase any wounds, any pain, but all it could do was soften it, like a minor painkiller. I would never stop hurting for Rath, and time wouldn't lessen the pain. Ever. There was too much that I had gone through with him, and I would never be ale to forget it all. All time would do was either make it worse, wear me away with each passing second being like an eternity, or damped the blow, just enough so that I could remember him without crying. My memories of him were inerasable.

"Rath... Rath..." I whispered to myself, turning over again, back to stare at the ceiling, my face stinging from how hard I'd rubbed them against the pillow.

I murmured his name a thousand times to sleep.

OoO

"_Hey Rath," I smiled, kissing his lips lightly as my way of greeting. They were unresponsive, and his dulled eyes just stared at me. _

"_What's wrong?" I said softly, sitting down in front of him. _

"_I'm tired..." he murmured. He wasn't talking about physical pain, I knew, and I knew what he was talking about. _

"_You'll be Rath for the rest of your life. And even if you aren't, I'll stay with you," I assured him, pulling him over to me and wrapping myself around him, holding him like the child he'd used to be. _

"_But what if I kill you?" he whispered, his crimson eyes wide. _

"_You won't," I said, and somehow I knew. I knew he'd never kill me. _

_He sighed lightly, pale face snuggling against my neck, curling into a ball on my lap, arms tight around my chest. _

"_Thank you..." _

"_Of course," I kissed his forehead, "Now, how about we go to bed, hm?"_

_He nodded innocently, looking up at me like I was all that mattered in his life, and I loved it. I wanted to be everything to him, be someone he could depend on whenever he needed. I needed to be stable and strong for him. I would never weaken, I would always support him. _

_Tucking him into bed tenderly, then slipping in myself, I held him in my arms, feeling the way he cradled himself in my hold, grabbing my waist tightly, like he needed to hold on to me no matter what. _

_He'd been scared lately, because he'd been increasingly getting closer to his demons side. I didn't know how to fix it, but I was sure that it was just because of a spell he'd recently cast, and that was just one of the unfortunate side effects. In any case, the problem was that my Rath was scared, and I could only hold him and reassure him. But I would, until he wasn't scared anymore, or troubled. _

_Stroking his hair, I fell asleep with his even breathing underneath me. _

_OoO_

_A scream cut through my dream, jolting me violently out of my sleep, along with the sudden struggling and flailing of the body cradled underneath my arms, and my eyes flew open to find Rath sitting up, breathing heavily. His dark hair disheveled underneath shining perspiration in the eerie moonlight, eyes wide and frightened. _

_I sat up too, immediately moving to comfort him as began to cry, tears slipping from his pained eyes onto my chest, running down and melting at the hem of my pants, leaving a burning sensation. His body was shaking, his sobs silent, inexistent, but even so I could _hear_ the pain in him, in his scream, embedded in my head. Silent screams echoed in my head, his pain a visible ghost trailing behind him, never leaving him alone. His youkai side. _

"_I killed you!" he finally whispered, his voice quivering childishly and I held him back, running my gaze through him. _

"_In your dream?" I asked softly, tracing the lines left by his tears, wiping them away as they fell. He nodded reluctantly, eyes still wide. _

"_Do you think I care?" I grinned at him, stroking his face and neck, "It's just a dream, you know."_

"_I know," he nodded, sighing again, hiccups breaking to the surface, the remainders of an uncharacteristic crying session. _

"_I love you," I murmured in his ear, pressing him to me tightly. His body was so small... so fragile, I thought, and held him even closer. _

"_I know," he closed his eyes, "And I do too..." _

_I held him like that, stroking his back, listening to his slow breathing, his cold skin easing its shivering. _

"_Kaistern?" Clear lakes of red looked at me. _

"_Hm?"_

"_Hum for me," he said softly, laying his head back against my shoulder, waiting for me. _

"_Of course," I whispered even more softly into his ear, and a clear tune slipped from inside my mouth, coming from my throat, a simple, but almost haunting melody that Rath had always loved. _

_With the lilting melody echoing in our ears as I hummed it softly, I lifted his chin to kiss him lightly, the chorus of the song echoing off my lips as I sang it against his soft lips. _

"_Never look behind you, life is still ahead. Though demons haunt your mind, love will find your heart._

"_Kiss me, hold me, never let me go. I want to keep you here, I want to save myself."_

_My kiss deepened; I wanted to save him too. _

OoO

"_Kaistern, look!" I laughed as the young kid in front of me held up his little captive, and ladybug, crawling in circles about his palm. Fire twittered from a branch above, his red hide contrasting against the red and browns of the late summer woods. _

"_Now let it go, you know," I told him, pushing him along on our little nature walk. _

"_Rath! Put that down!" I began to laugh again at the freaked out voice behind me. _

"_Alfeegi, it's only a ladybug," the white officer just wrapped his arms around himself and glared at me. _

"_Well, you never know what's in these places..." he said, looking about as if he was expecting a bear to jump out and eat him. _

"_Paranoid," Rath and I said in unison. Fire's paper sign agreed too. _

"_Why are you so freaked out of some little woods?" I asked my fellow secretary, keeping an eyes on Rath, who zigzagged across the path we were taking for our little nature walk. _

"_Cause they're evil..." Alfeegi mumbled, glaring at the oak trees, and the little lady's slipper flowers, and the ivy and the little singing birds. I had to laugh. It was just too good. _

"_You should have stayed with Ruwalk. You know he's incredibly bored back there," I said. _

"_You know what, that's a good idea..." Alfeegi appeared to perk up. _

"_Of course it's a good idea, Ruwalk's in it," I jibed at him. _

"_Wha-?" Alfeegi's face sure turned red quickly, and I whistled appreciatively. _

"_You know you want him!" I said in a singsong voice. He could turn even redder than I did, and that was saying a lot. _

"_That's not it! I- I just have a lot of work to do!" Lie, "Plus. I don't like the woods," well, that was true._

"_Suit yourself, but say hello to Ruwalk for me. And when I get back, he better tell me that you told him hello for me."_

_Alfeegi sputtered but finally turned his nose up into the air and stalked off, face still red. _

_Rath was at my side in an instant, Fire snickering as he alighted on his shoulder. And I burst out laughing. _

_We grinned widely at each other, "Mission accomplished!" _

"_Yup," I responded, drawing out a bundle that had been hidden in my jacket. _

"_Stupid educational walk through the woods," the crimson haired knight chirped happily, taking the bag from me and plopping himself down on the ground. _

"_Hey! That's not all yours, you know!" _

"_I know!" he giggled. I sat down next to him, and I began taking out all the contents in the bag. Food, lots of it. _

"_This is the coolest picnic I've ever been to!" _

"_It's the only one you've ever been to!" I laughed at him, ruffling his hair. It was pretty cool though. I'd been afraid that Alfeegi's presence to keep this a strictly educational experience would ruin it. But we'd gotten rid of him. So that was good. _

_I gave a quick glance to my surroundings, feeling very much at peace and content. It was a bit dark, in fact, it might even rain, but the forest setting, teeming with life, was relaxing and completely worth getting drenched for. _

"_This is great," I breathed in a great gulp of air, filling myself with the exotic scents of the woods, and besides me, Rath copied me. Fire stole one of our cupcakes and flitted on to a branch above._

'_Thank you very much,' the sign read. _

"_So... are we going to eat?" he asked as soon as he was done. _

"_Dig in!" I responded, and we both dived in at the same time, competing for food in a way the queen would have killed me for letting Rath do. But she wasn't here, I thought gleefully. _

_Nothing like escaping reality for a little fun. _

_OoO_

_After an unexpected food fight, which had left us like a pair of giggling kindergartners, we were sitting back, full of food and I was making up a funny story about putting a blindfold on a bird while Fire watched disapprovingly, shaking his head and deciding to ignore us to talk to a couple birds. _

"_No, no, it's like this," Rath giggled, "It's like 'I can't see where I'm going!' and then, BOOM! He runs into a tree!" he said with exaggerated gestures. _

"_Exactly!" I laughed, pushing him onto the grass and tickling him, "Or there's a cat in front of him, and he goes 'Something smells weird! I wonder what it is?'"_

"_Ew, it's the cat's breath! And it smells as bad as yours!" the little fire knight giggled. _

"_Yup, and then the cat EATS him!" With that, I dove him to tickle him mercilessly, biting his arm playfully while he squealed and squirmed to get out of my grasp. _

_Suddenly, a huge boom resonated through the tall woods, heralding an unexpected burst of heavy rain. Fire jumped a mile high, taking to the air and settling back down underneath some pine fronds. Caught completely unawares, we stopped our playing and scrambled for cover. There was none, so we just sat at the foot of a tree. _

"_Can I play in the rain?" he asked, putting on the big puppy eyes. _

"_Go ahead," I grinned, settling for just watching him as he skipped about, tossing sticks in the air and collecting rain in the leaves. I let the raindrops cool my face, soaking into my clothes, leaving them clinging to me in a strangely comfortable fashion. _

_I watched the wonderful little kid in front of me play and act like the child I sometimes wondered how long he'd have the chance to be. But he was happy now, and that was all that mattered. _

_Thunder boomed in the sky, and Rath eeped and fell down, messy twigs and leaves dirtying his clothing. Fire dove down to scold and double check him before flying back up to his little refuge. _

"_How about you come sit, Rath?" I called out, deciding he would most likely get a cold if he was out any longer. _

"_Aw..." he groaned but came over nonetheless. I patted my lap, motioning with a grin for him to sit in it. _

_With the rain falling about us, and a warm, hazy mist settling around us, Rath's red hair and eyes contrasted with the green leaves, his pale skin something resembling the mist, the woods dark without the sunlight, like his youkai soul, but the blooming flowers and little insects a representation of his innocent child's soul. Two souls, in one body. _

_I hugged him had, suddenly feeling protective of him, pulling his head under my chin. _

"_What wrong?" he mumbled from underneath me. _

"_Nothing's wrong," I smiled at him as he looked into my eyes, searching me, "I just like you."_

_He knelt on his knees, his face level with mine, since I was sitting. Hi clear eyes looked into my as sincerely, and the mist seemed to thicken and the rain's pattering to reverberate in my head. _

"_I like you too," he said alluringly, a shade of darkness, like a shadow on the ruby jewels that were his eyes, passed in them, and I recognized it as his darker mood, his youkai side, as he leaned over and kissed me softly, his lips passing over every inch of mine, trekking through my soul and leaving a path of fire, as I just stared, surprised and unresponsive. He leaned back, a mischievous, yet innocent smile on his lips, "A lot."_

_I don't think my face had ever been as red as that, except the time I had accidentally walked into Lykouleon dressing in his room when I'd forgotten to knock. _

_And suddenly, he blushed too, and buried his face in my shirt, before whispering, "Do you like all of me?" _

_Shaken partly out of my embarrassment by the seriousness in his voice, the undercurrent of pain, and the implications. He was referencing to his youkai side again, when he wasn't supposed to even know about it. _

"_Is there a part of you that I shouldn't like?" I asked carefully. Rath sighed and looked up at me. _

"_I don't know. Sometimes..." he smuggled with his words, "Sometimes I feel like there's something... black... dark, inside me. And it's... me. But it's not me at the same time. I don't know," his gaze lowered, "Sometimes I just feel like there's something different inside me." _

_I was speechless, and I doubted that if I opened my mouth right now I wouldn't say something that would make the situation worse. So I pulled him into my chest, and looked at him tenderly. _

"_Everyone has demons inside them." _

"_Why are mine so strong?" he muttered bitterly. _

"_I don't know," I rocked him gently, looking out into the darkened woods, "I don't know."_

_OoO_

"_Rath!" _

"_Leave me alone, Kaistern!" the once sweet voice was now poisoned, pain visible as crystal tears that threatened to fall from his eyes, though squeezed shut, as his body was curled up, knees drawn tightly into his chest, arms wrapped around his legs, his head buried in the small space between chest and knees. _

_It hurt to see him like this, so pained and defenseless, yet there was a new fear in my head, because he knew. Because everything was different now. He knew. And what was worse, he knew we knew. And we knew he knew, and it was only like a curtain that had fallen between him and us and was now choking us separately._

"_We never wanted you to know..." I didn't think it mattered to him, what I said. But I felt compelled to explain myself, to apologize for the pain that now wracked his small body. I saw him as years older though, no longer a child. And it was our fault that he'd grown up in the matter of days. _

"_You told me that everyone had demons inside them, when you really meant that _I_ had a demon living inside me! You did know, you all knew! And now I know... why you used to look at me so strangely..." _

"_Would you rather have grown up feeling excluded? Would you rather have known that reason beforehand, and known that it was because of something inside you that we no longer care about that we looked at you like that?" I asked, trying to place some sort of reason or comfort in him. I stepped forward again, arms outstretched, but he glared at me and growled, his eyes glinting dangerously. _

_I sighed and sat down on the chair I had drawn near the bed. _

"_Leave!" _

"_I'm not leaving you," I said resolutely. Rath's eyes widened, and he suddenly jumped up, diving into my arms. _

"_Never leave me!" he almost sobbed, his body cold and shaking. I held him securely, like I had all my life, comforting him like I would for the rest of his. I would always hold him. _

"_I won't..."_

"_I hate you... I hate you so much..." he whispered in broken tones, and I shut my eyes, willing the pain that had risen from his words to settle, but it was sharp, chilling me and making my stomach wrench. He hated us... he hated me... _

_But that didn't matter. What did matter was that now more than ever I needed to be there for him, even if he didn't want me to. _

"_Rath... promise me, you'll tell me everything..." I said sternly, giving him a sharp look into his eyes. He gazed back at me weakly for a moment. _

"_I... promise... But I'll never stop hating you all..." he said, and I knew he meant it. The hate was so evident in his eyes and his voice, and his touch wasn't like it had once been, completely trusting and loving. He'd been betrayed by us. _

"_I'm sorry..." I pulled his head into me, "I really am. But know... that we all love you." _

"_I know..." _

_OoO_

_I remembered also one time we were at Rath's birthday. Years after his encounter with Kharl, Rune already present. _

"_Happy Birthday, Rath!" Alfeegi smiled at him, quite a different look from the usual scowl he wore. _

"_Thanks," he said, taking the present from Alfeegi's hands like with a frozen smile, the hate glowing in his eyes like it had for the past couple years, unrelenting, though he kept it under control. _

"_Here's my present, don't forget me!" Ruwalk piped in, hugging Rath, who hugged him almost nonchalantly back, pretending a certain degree of affection. But he openly glared at Lykouleon, who looked down mournfully, and let Raseleane give him his present. He hugged Raseleane with a bit more affection than he had Alfeegi and Ruwalk, but not much more. _

_He did, however seem to not have that coldness towards Tetheus, and even gave him a half sincere smile, even if it didn't quite reach his eyes. It was a lot more than he'd given the others, and they hugged like father and son. _

_It was all a hard act to see through, and had any stranger been present, they would have never seen through it. But we knew, we felt it, and though we had tried for all these years to break him out of it, to maybe make things the way they had once been, we knew he wouldn't change. And it hurt us all, so that dealing with him was almost painful. It hurt to be hated. _

_And then it was my turn, and I had a gift for him as well, a new sword, which I swung out from behind me, where it had been hidden. He squealed and took it excitedly, eyes shining in anticipation already. He turned to me, and I felt elation at the way he acted towards me. I knew it was an act. I knew they all though he was so incredibly close to me, but it was a fake closeness. He told me everything and hung out with me and showed me so much more affection than the others only out of obligation for his promise. _

_But sometimes. I saw the smile reach his eyes, just sometimes, and it held hope, for the future. And I hoped that someday he'd break out of his shell, and see how much we cared for him. He cared a lot for Rune, maybe because he didn't feel betrayed by him, and it sometimes made me jealous. Heck, it made all of us jealous. But we knew it was our own doing, and only we could fix it. _

_He gave me a smile, the type that made me feel like there was some hope that someday, it wouldn't just be an act towards me, and hugged me, whispering a heart-felt thanks into my ear and then focusing on the new sword immediately. _

_It was enough for me. _

OoO

I woke up late the next morning, and was sitting on my bed, staring outside, when Ruwalk came in.

"Hey, Kaistern..." he greeted me warily.

"It's alright, I'm fine now," I gave him a half-hearted smile.

"Good. You really had me scared yesterday, you know," he said, setting down my breakfast, "Didn't think you'd be up to going downstairs," he explained.

I nodded, grateful, and brought the glass of milk up to my lips, sipping it quietly, "I dreamt of him last night," then a bitter chuckle escaped from my throat as I realized how stupid that sounded, "I dream of him every night, last night wasn't any different."

The yellow officer was quiet, and I didn't expect him to find something to say, but he finally did.

"Do you regret going to his funeral?"

I blinked, then lowered me head, "It hurt... but you were right. I'm glad I did."

"I wish I had..." the brunette secretary murmured to himself, and I looked away.

"I wish he'd come back, Ruwalk..." I mumbled.

"I know, we all do."

"Um..." I fidgeted with my fingers, feeling guilty, "What happened to Rune?"

"Oh," Ruwalk blinked, "Well, Thatz told him what had happened, so it's alright. You know how sensitive he is... he's been taking it the hardest after you," he smiled sadly, "And Alfeegi isn't doing too good either, but he's getting a lot better about it. Lykouleon's the one who's getting me worried now. He's been totally melancholy, I mean, he can't even take a walk to clear his head..."

"What about you?" I asked delicately.

Ruwalk swallowed convulsively, "I- I can't. I have to be strong for Alfeegi..." he looked at me, and I could see he meant it, "Not to say that I haven't hurt, or that I haven't cried, I just... have to hide it. Someone's got to be strong, you know? Tetheus has been really helpful."

He turned the subject of himself away with a tactfulness and subtlety he usually lacked in most other occasions. But I knew he was strong, and I knew he was sad, and it comforted me. Maybe someday I'd be able to cope with it like Ruwalk and Tetheus had.

"Yeah, he's always coming to check on me..." I responded, speaking of Tetheus.

"And doing a lot of our paperwork when Alfeegi and me are occupied."

"Together or separately?" I joked, though I couldn't summon a proper smile.

"Separately, of course!" He blushed, but then laughed.

"You're getting better too, though," he pointed out, "Just know. You haven't made a joke in two weeks as of now."

"I guess... I'll have to accept he's gone... sometime..." I said calmly, gazing back outside. He followed my gaze silently for a while.

"It's a such a bright day today," he said.

"No, it's not" I returned slowly, "It's raining."

I knew I was wrong, but that's what it looked like to me.

* * *

**Going back to the beggining of the chapter... with Kaistern acting all weird, did anyone get that? Denial, or some similar defense mechanism. I don't know where I got the idea, but did you also get the symbolism of seeing the sun and the fresh flowers, hence life, when there was none?**


End file.
